Re: sexual addiction?? corkscrew: You're right toofresh. You may have lost out on a great woman because you couldn't get control over this addiction. Unfortunately there's not much you can do to change the past. You can only focus on the future and hope that some force out there brings you a second chance with her. But a second chance is no good unless you fix the problem. And even if you don't end up with her, you might miss out on another incredible woman if you can't get control of this.
The good news is that you realize you have a problem and are working to improve yourself. It's also great that you are not trying to misplace the blame for your problem on someone else as people frequently do. These are very important first steps to getting over addiction.
I wish you the best and I have a feeling you'll get through this.
Re: sexual addiction?? clockwork: This was a MAJOR problem in my marriage. My xh was addicted to porn, and the feeling was awful.
The hardest part was that i felt as if he was having an affair with someone that i could not confront. He was in essence having a physical affair with the women in the movies or on the computer. Nothing that i said or did made a difference, he could not and would not give it up. I felt as though there wasn't anything that i could do to compete with what he got from the porn. It was a "fantasy" that i could not compete with.
I don't really think that the "addicts" realize the pain that this causes, even when the spouse is constantly trying to tell them. At the end of my marriage, i hated going home because i didn't know what i was going to find lying around for either myself or my children to find. I did not want to be intimate with him, because the whole time i wondered if he even saw me, or was he visualizing one of the women from the movies.
Once porn came into his life, he did not "make love" to me anymore, that loving man was gone. Sex became just that---SEX. No love, no compassion, no intimacy at all, i felt like one of THOSE women. Someone there for his physical pleasure and nothing else. :'(
Just the honest opinion of a women who has been there.
Re: sexual addiction?? toofreshtothinkright: that really hurts to hear that. I loved that girl so much and I showed her in my own way, but I did have a problem with intimacy with her. The problem was, she was always game for some of the crazier stuff that I thought was just part of a great relationship. And I think they are if the girl doesn;t feel like she is taking a backseat to porn.
She knew I loved her, but we never could understand why sitting on the couch next to eachother never led into sex. There was never that making out, hand goes here, kissing of the neck, etc....It was "I'm horny" and into the bedroom we went. She used to say that I needed to kiss her more and that she needed more passion and flirting in the relationship. No other girl ever said that to me, so I thought maybe she was being a typical girl. I never thought that perhaps porn was making me view her as just an object. I even tried to convince her that during everyday normal activities I show her howm uch I love her and care for her, so in the bedroom, it should just be WILD....I really believed that when I told her, but now I can see thatin my past relationships, I never felt connected to them during sex....that's all it was.
I haave thrown all of it out and have stopped surfing for it. I used to come home at lunch and surf porn and download it on her computer...she knew it was there, but I don;t think she understood what it really was doing to us....Hell, even I didn't.
It truly pains me to that I lost her becuase she felt she couldn;t get close to me intimately. We were soulmates, I knew that from the start. I have lost out on a lifetime of happiness witht he perfect girl for me because of porn. I will NEVER let that happen again (if I can get through this - that is a big IF since I have had some very bad thoughts enter my head).
So, if you and your partner like watching porn, that's awesome, it can definitely add a little zip to things. If you are looking at it ALOT behind her back and in secret, take a step back and really see what you are doing. If he or she knows, take a second to think of how they might feel.
I am not a preacher by any means, but I have lost the dearest thing in my life for NO GOOD F&*KING REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was gorgeous, great body, worked out 5 times a week, ran marathons, taught spin class, had a masters degree in science, took strip tease aerobic classes, belly dancing classes, loved hiking, camping, biking, cars, electronics, was one of the guys, all my friends loved her, and she was 100000% in love with me and wanted to marry me. Sexually, she was an extremely giving lover and very comfortable with her body, but needed to know that I was into her in order for her to be into me....and with all of this happening, I didn't convey that to her, although I felt it, it never showed.
Don't let this happen to you...I used to be so proud of my porn collection...all the boys that it was awesome while I was in my mid-20s. I met my ex when I was 28 and I was hooked on the stuff. It can happen and it can sneak up on you and sabotage even the best relationships....
I speak from my experience.
I am alone now on Saturday night thinking I am some sort of monster for having done this to a girl that was perfect for me in every way, shape and form, and am thinking bad thoughts. I know she is happy with someone else right now - someone that can probably let her in close to him because he probably doesn;t have this issue. But it does exist....so be careful.
Waking up in an empty bed crying could be your outcome.
I am a truly changed person by even realizing this has probably plagued me for a good 6 years now. I just want the chance to feel that bond with someone and not have it try and be ruined by this. That's all I want now. I would give my life for it to be with my ex - she truly deserves it. I wish I could let her know all of this and tell her that it wasn;t her fault..it was mine and that mabe down the road there might be hope for us. But she knows we weren;t meant to be becuase of the fact that we didn;t connect intimately....thta is something I have to live with for as long as I can, and it really doesn't feel like that is going to be very long.
Re: sexual addiction?? Spectrum: Hmm....
I have two immediate reactions to this thread, both of which I think are correct.
1) I think that Dave is searching really, really hard for reasons why this breakup is all his fault, and this is something plausible he came up with, because he's starting to run short on reasons why it is emotionally "okay" for your ex to move out and immediately fall in love with someone else they knew before leaving the relationship. You're trying to make a martyr of yourself and make your ex out to be the pristine princess, but that just isn't how it works. Nobody is blameless.
2) I think that guys who are not naturally affectionate or effusive within relationships often take cues from places that are socially acceptable on a "guy" level on how to show their attraction for women. Sadly, getting advice from other guys or talking about emotional aspects of relationships are not often options. Sometimes they look to porn.
Dave, you said yourself that it seemed like the normal sex life to you, and a normal way of being physically affectionate with someone. But what you have to remember is that different people express love and affection in different ways.
I've posted several times about the book, "The five love languages." READ WHAT I POSTED. I'm guessing from your past posts that your way of showing you loved her was spending time with her and enjoying her company. It seems like her way of showing love was perhaps more geared towards physical affection (just guessing, since she was taking strip-tease aerobics, belly-dancing, etc, which are arguably geared towards drawing more physical attention from you), and that while she felt she was showing her love by fulfilling your physical needs/wants, she wasn't getting exactly what she needed.
You were speaking French, and she was speaking German. Neither of you were understanding. But while this was preventable, it was preventable from BOTH SIDES. You weren't the only person that wasn't communicating- she wasn't hearing you as much as you weren't hearing her.
There are two sides to every breakup. No one person is ever responsible. You need to start understanding that.
Spectrum.
Re: sexual addiction?? Spectrum: I'd also like to add that there is nothing wrong with being sexually adventurous or liking porn. Especially if your ex was willing to watch porn and/or incorporate it into your sex life. If it was something that you obsessed over in private, hid from her, etc, that might be a different case, but then again, it might not. There is alot of leeway there.
On the other hand, being someone who tends to be more physically-oriented from an emotional and affection standpoint, I can also understand how not being touched outside the bedroom can create a sense of detachment and perhaps insecurity in a relationship.
Is this because of porn? I don't necessarily think so. I think it is a communication issue.
Spectrum.
Click More for the next page.
