how could I not see it? trapped: The veritable roller coaster is not quite as fun as those found in amusement parks, is it? The past couple days have been hard. Well, they all have, but it seems like as I get closer to my move date, the more sad I become.
I am still pining for my ex but its futile, he has made up his mind and there is a finality to it all that is not going to change. He does not want to reconsider. He does not want to try to work things out. My one way flight for me and my litte dog is booked. The day is almost here and its not going away.
As I think back over the past several years with him some red flags come to mind, there was definetely some volatility. Hell, we got divorced even.
But how could I have not seen this coming? I knew something was off the past couple weeks before he dropped the bombshell in february, but in no way did I think he would leave me 6 mos after he convinced me to move out here. He swore he would be with me, he talked about renewing our vows, he talked about our future. In late january we were sitting in front of a fire and he turned to me out of nowhere and said "there is nowhere else in the world that I would rather be than here with you". He said he was happy. I was so happy. I always tried to make him feel special..never for granted. Shortly after that night he started acting strange. He bought new clothes but hid them, his work hours became increasingly long (they were always long to begin with) he pulled an all nighter, a stunt he hadnt pulled since we were just out of college over a decade ago when we were still kids, enjoying the nightlife maybe a bit too often. He kept his cellphone ringer off and never let it out of his sight....he even carried it to the bathroom. He started sleeping in the spare bedroom saying he was just having trouble sleeping. He did not kiss me or hug me very often, or call me by my nicknames or sing me the songs that he made up for me, things that he would normally do every day, without prompting. A couple days after I got back from my grandmothers funeral is when he packed a bag and left under the guise that he needed "time and space". 2 days later he sent a two sentence email saying he was gone for good. I suppose all that indicates he was cheating, although I have no solid proof. I do know from a bank statement that he was in Napa in March when I was in the hospital. He did not visit me once when I was there...guess now I know why.
I wonder how I did not see it. Or maybe I did and was too scared to acknowledge it. Its hard to say now..the details are fuzzy, as if my mind has tried to erase them, too unbearable to think of.
Re: how could I not see it? jen: Everything is always clearer in hindsight. Things seem obvious after we've had some time to fit all of the puzzle pieces together. Those things stand out now in light of what you know. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to see those signs for what they were at the moment. It is completely natural to give the benefit of the doubt, sometimes even against our better judgment. At the time, the trust was still there and you had no reason to not take him at his word.
Just keep hanging in there and taking things one moment at a time. Remember to breathe.
Hugs,
mtmo
