Numb (But not comfortablly) Lance: I don't post here often, but I try to find advice lessons from other people's posts to learn from and understand that other people have it just as bad, if not worse. To keep things in perspective, so to speak.
But my underlying concern with my own healing is this: How am I to be happy with myself when it seems like God made me not in his image, but to prove that he has a warped sense of humor?
Let me explain. I am not good with women. Not just shooting myself down, but it's true. I am not grossly deformed but I have exagerrated facial features, and genetic issues which, to be blunt, completely inhibit my ablility to procreate, much less have a healthy sex life. We all know (don't lie to yourself and argue with me here) that one of the keys to a successful consensual partner relationship is the ability to be the good time that a human being needs sometimes. My problem is that I feel like I have never been able to fill that role, and the my confidence was shaken so badly when she started 'blocking' me that I just dropped the ball in my end of the court of communication.... so she decided to go play with someone else. It's been almost 4 months now, it's a week from my birthday, I've had all the rollercoaster rides of emotions, and now I am numb.
My question is this: How can I ever expect to be happy with myself when I can't make a woman 'happy'? Now please don't start with the speech "You will only be happy with someone else if you are happy with yourself." speech. If you had to look in the mirror at this being that I am every day and deal with the rejection that I have, even after so many years of soul searching and forced self-acceptance, years of medical study and treatment, experiments, etc... years of drug abuse and self loathing, years of asking God for help and still ending up where I am sitting right this second, you would see that some days it is impossibly hard to be happy with yourself.
Anymore I am just numb and angry at the human race. I loved my wife dearly. I still do, through my vows, because of my vows, and the reason FOR my vows I made to her years ago. How can I fake it? How can I find someone to share this life for all it's goodness, and yet share it with myself, when I feel like such a reflection of ugliness?
Can someone answer that?
Re: Numb (But not comfortablly) flyaway: Lance, I'm sorry that you're feeling so very hopeless right now. I will not say that I understand every nuance of the feelings that you're experiencing, but I do understand the rejection, the lack of self esteem, the inability to see that I could (and will, someday) make someone a very good partner.
All I'm going to say is this: I hope that you post more, and just let those feelings out that you're experiencing...and keep telling us what you already know, and don't want to hear again.
It's a very dark time in your life right now, and I hope that you find healing....emotionally, spiritually, and yes, even physically.
I guess, from a woman's POV, intercourse is not always the be all and end all. You can make a woman happy in other ways. I think that sex is about 85% spiritual and emotional anyhow, and you sound like you're not lacking in that department.
Be brave, and soldier through your process....there will come a day when the sun once again will shine. :)
flyaway
Re: Numb (But not comfortablly) YellowJacket: I'm sorry for what you're going through, Lance. Your post was very difficult to read. Coming to a point in your life where your opinion of yourself is what yours is usually indicates a long, difficult road.
I don't really have any answers for you other than the cliche that there is someone out there for everyone. I believe there absolutely is a woman that will love you with all of her heart. It is simply a matter of her coming into your life.
Have you been putting yourself out there in the dating world sufficiently or is your lack of confidence stopping you altogether? Have you considered online dating?
I'm really sorry for how you are feeling right now. I hope that something comes into your life soon to change your outlook.
Re: Numb (But not comfortablly) trapped: Lance I too was moved and saddened by your post. I was trying to find a way to articulate a lot of what fly and YJ said without sounding like lip service or trite. Not all women are solely interested in conventional good looks but rather whats at the heart and soul of a man..and you sound like you have a heart of gold. None of this may make you feel better at the moment and being alone with self loathing is the loneliest place to be. Try to know that whenever you feel that alone, you are not. Its easier said than done, I know. I hope you find some happiness and self-love soon. Dont give up. Keep at it. I do have faith that you will be loved again the way you deserve to be. And thats not lip service.
Re: Numb (But not comfortablly) Lance: To YellowJacket: Dating scene, to me, is a joke, and yes, my confidence is lacking. In fact, I have no interest. I worked my ass off in this marriage to make her happy and I don't really feel like going through the whole hoops-jumping process again. At least not now.
I loved having her to share everyday life with, the little things AND the big adventures. I felt such a relief when we had our first conversation together, because it felt like she was the ONE. I did everything for her she ever asked of me, and it wasn't enough. How could she blame me for not being able to find the words to say or the compassion to show when she acted as if it wasn't enough to satisfy her needs when I DID try? I gave up, bottom line, we both failed. After coming so far. Just bought a house and now our lawyers will probably try to wrestle it out of each other's hands, our one dream we shared from the beginning, now to be drawn and quartered.
I appreciate that you folks have reached out to keep me level. It IS a dark time in my life. I have to talk myself into a frame of mind with the ability to face people everyday for days at a time, then lately I don't even care. I act like they are not there and they accuse me of being stuck-up. I used to be the fun loving laugh a minute mr sociable, always trying to get to know the new person. I was everybody's buddy. Now, I could care less about other people. It is not selfish it is a wall, a way to protect myself from someone else's problems and becoming part of them.
I really used to enjoy life, even for all my shortcomings I could always find something that made me smile everyday. This turn of events, with the stbx and family issues, has really hit me hard. I still try, I still wake up and I still go to work everyday. The difference is it just feels so pointless now.
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