Re: Disinterest... Lumpy: [quote author=sheyd link=topic=28597.msg277977#msg277977 date=1147120129">
I TOTALLY agree - you shouldn't allow that. However, I think showing disinterest doesn't raise you - it just attempts to lower them. I think there is power in knowing you WON'T stay and take it, but that your love and ability to love and take pain isn't damaged. "You can hurt me, and I won't stay around and wait for more hurt" rather than - "I don't care what you do, you aren't worth my pain" - when it isn't really true.
Shey
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I think it's less about them and more about you which is the whole point. At that stage of my divorce, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think straight, etc. It wasn't about hurting her or manipulating her. It was about saving myself.
Re: Disinterest... sheydp: [quote author=Lumpy link=topic=28597.msg278001#msg278001 date=1147121566"> I think it's less about them and more about you which is the whole point. At that stage of my divorce, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think straight, etc. It wasn't about hurting her or manipulating her. It was about saving myself.
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But that isn't the kind of distancing or disinterest I was talking about. You are talking about no contact to give yourself peace. I am all for that, although I have no problem with the idea of SAYING "I need to go no contact, seeing/talking to you hurts too much". I am talking about the kind used to get them to notice you, to hurt them, or to make them see how much they really want you. I don't think that is what you are talking about. You are talking about distance to help yourself, not distance to affect the other person - and I DO see a difference, and think that difference matters.
Shey
Re: Disinterest... thehitekrednek: Can you be hurt, by someone or something, if you didn't or don't want them or it?
Disinterest... sheydp: I just had a revelation… I knew I always hated the “keep away from them so they want you more” idea… but I just figured out why.
Disinterest is a blow to the ego. When someone attacks you or your personality or something about you – you KNOW it is an attack, so although it hurts and does damage your ego, you can plainly point out what it was, and you and others can put up defenses – “no, you really AREN’T boring – he was just angry…” When someone doesn’t show any caring or interest – particularly when they KNOW you… it says the same thing, but so subtly there is little defense. You just KNOW you aren’t worth the time and bother of caring. Not responding to someone, not showing your pain, not showing that they affect you – that is a way of saying “you aren’t worth anything”. When that happens, they MAY feel less, they may feel you must be worth so much more because they feel so much less… but it isn’t a really great basis for a caring relationship. It is a way to attack them in such a way that they want to feel better by getting you to acknowledge their worth.
If you tell someone you love them, and they respond with “you are nice too” – it is a really subtle “you are less interesting and loveable than I am”. So I am not JUST talking about the “don’t show them you still care” thing. Showing disinterest, or showing markedly LESS interest, is a form of ego-attack that isn’t very defendable. I noticed people playing this game even more frequently… I care, but I don’t want to show how much, because then you might actually feel good and that you are worth more than I am… How about mutually recognizing the worth in each other? Do we have to have someone else feel not as good so we can feel good?
So… maybe that person WILL go after you if you show them less interest… Because their ego is hurt, because they feel somehow… LESS. Do you really want to hurt someone and lower them to get them to want you? Do you really feel more secure if you can somehow be in a position of superior power due to striking at their ego? For me, I would rather have everyone around me KNOW how much they mean to me… KNOW I love them, even if they aren’t secure enough to show me equal measure. And yes, that IS hard on my ego sometimes, but ultimately – the people I love are worth loving, whether they love me or not.
Shey
Re: Disinterest... Lumpy: To me it is much simpler than that and not so heinous. It's about balance and power. It wasn't about trying to win her back for me. It was about moving on. You can't afford to still be invested in the person who dumped you and move on. Even if you're just "faking it" it's a starting point. For me, it just seemed to be the logical starting point for getting her out of my system.
