Re: Disinterest... Lumpy: I'd like to add that for me it was almost a necessity in order to salvage some dignity and self-esteem. I had wore my heart on my sleeve for far to long. I was busting my ass to save the marriage while she was out drinking, screwing around, etc. I think my early actions made it easier for her to take the whole thing lightly. She had me on a string and she knew it. I was an easy target in other words. I don't care how much you love someone, you should never allow that person to walk all over you.
Re: Disinterest... sheydp: I TOTALLY agree - you shouldn't allow that. However, I think showing disinterest doesn't raise you - it just attempts to lower them. I think there is power in knowing you WON'T stay and take it, but that your love and ability to love and take pain isn't damaged. "You can hurt me, and I won't stay around and wait for more hurt" rather than - "I don't care what you do, you aren't worth my pain" - when it isn't really true.
Shey
Re: Disinterest... Lumpy: [quote author=sheyd link=topic=28597.msg277977#msg277977 date=1147120129">
I TOTALLY agree - you shouldn't allow that. However, I think showing disinterest doesn't raise you - it just attempts to lower them. I think there is power in knowing you WON'T stay and take it, but that your love and ability to love and take pain isn't damaged. "You can hurt me, and I won't stay around and wait for more hurt" rather than - "I don't care what you do, you aren't worth my pain" - when it isn't really true.
Shey
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I think it's less about them and more about you which is the whole point. At that stage of my divorce, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think straight, etc. It wasn't about hurting her or manipulating her. It was about saving myself.
Re: Disinterest... sheydp: [quote author=Lumpy link=topic=28597.msg278001#msg278001 date=1147121566"> I think it's less about them and more about you which is the whole point. At that stage of my divorce, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think straight, etc. It wasn't about hurting her or manipulating her. It was about saving myself.
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But that isn't the kind of distancing or disinterest I was talking about. You are talking about no contact to give yourself peace. I am all for that, although I have no problem with the idea of SAYING "I need to go no contact, seeing/talking to you hurts too much". I am talking about the kind used to get them to notice you, to hurt them, or to make them see how much they really want you. I don't think that is what you are talking about. You are talking about distance to help yourself, not distance to affect the other person - and I DO see a difference, and think that difference matters.
Shey
Re: Disinterest... Fork: For better or worse, we are what we are, and how we deal with other people's egos, by reward and punishment, is how we assert our wills. It's a form of communication, and I don't think it can be done away with and substituted with words. Egos have to clash, at least a little bit.
Do I want to hurt someone to make them want me more? Well, honestly, no, but at the same time, I certainly don't want to be taken for granted, either. Given the choice, I'd rather let someone miss me a little bit and realize that she wants to be with me. I can reward her later.
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