I'm miserable and lonely again Catlady: Its funny everyone knows about the up and down times and its only been 3 weeks since it was all over and I know what a total jerk a**h**e he was but damn it I miss the good times, but i'm not even sure if they were any.
Found myself crying in the park after work thinking maybe it was my fault the whole thing broke down - but how can it have been - my ex lied about bills (if you dont know my story already) and lost the house we were living in and then ran off with another woman - I know he was a loser but why in hell have I been crying and missing him. Its really painful today and I keep on thinking about what I didnt do in the relationship but he never gave me a level field to play on - if he had problems with us he never told me just had an affair or dissappeared for a few days - no one can work with that! If he really cared he would have told me his issues and let me deal with whatever mistakes I had made. But how in hell can anyone get to grips with the fact that a very long term relationship is over - he has moved on already but I who supported and cared for him am left behind mourning this whole mess when he doesnt even care after 11 years of being together - how am I supposed to digest all that?
I've been reading quite a bit about people with mental health and personality disorders and I can only think that was him - an abusive manipulator - but it hurts so much I got caught in his web for so long and am now dumped out the other side. Its so crazy I can hardly acknowledge what happened to me - lost 11 years of my possessions and wasted 11 years of my life on this guy only for him to run off with someone else. he always said I was too good for him so then acted badly and made sure I was too good for him. I hate this up and down crap. Its also dreadful when you know you cant call anymore friends about it because they have heard all the details and frankly who would want to hear my feelings about this at 10.20pm at night (I'm in England) it would only annoy them so I have to deal with this all alone. I miss my home I miss the life I thought I had but it was all an illusion - how scary is that? He lied about everything in the last few years my whole reality with him was an unreal dream - a few weeks before we got evicted from the flat he said in counselling he wanted to marry me, I was the one who said I wasnt sure, then all this s**t happens. how can everything I knew not be real. I was with him for so long, I still argue with him in my head but no one is there - only me - how lonely is that?
Re: I'm miserable and lonely again 2be: Hugs to you Catlady.... I know what you are going through. My relationship was 11 years too, and was thrown away as well. In doing research I realized that the X was a verbal and emotional abuser and I never saw it until I was away from the situation.
It was a relief to realize that it WASN'T all my fault. Sure, I had my problems that contributed to the demise of the relationship, but it lifted a weight in knowing it wasn't all my fault. What you are going through is perfectly normal. Everyone goes through a phase where they blame themselves completely.
You don't have to do it alone... you have us here at OJAR. Come here and spew those feelings out 24-hours per day if you need to. Good chance there is probably someone online at all times of the day.
Good luck... keep your chin up and find those things that bring joy into your life just for YOU. The ups and downs will eventually even out. Yes, the reality you thought you had is now gone. It sucks. But now you can make your OWN reality...
Re: I'm miserable and lonely again tomuchpain: I completly understand your feelings on the up and down emotional rollercoaster that you are on. Just when you think things are getting bettter you get hit with something new. Just remember that with time you will get past this stage.
I've been reading quite a bit about people with mental health and personality disorders and I can only think that was him - an abusive manipulator.
Instead of trying to diagnois what mental disorder you think your x had why not try looking at what you learned from the relationship. I know that you said you feel like you lost 11 years of your life. But you must of learned something in those 11 years. Try not to hold onto the anger of the bad times with him that will only make the pain your feeling worse.
It sounds like to me that you have already come to the realization that he was not the best partner for you. I think that your letting all the time you spent with him cloud your true feelings. I know that its hard going from seeing someone almost every day for 11 years (or 5 in my case) to not seeing them at all. Sometimes the pain of loneliness can be the worst pain of all.
Keep posting you are not alone. We here at ojar don't care how many times you have told your story or the details of your story. If you need to tell them again then go right ahead. There will always be someone here to listen.
Re: I'm miserable and lonely again Catlady: Been away from the internet for a bit. Thanks very much for your posts, they really help. I have learned something from the 11 years, what type of guys not to date, how not to behave and when boundaries are useful and when to walk away. This has been a long time coming and wish I had known this earlier or worked out what was going on in the relationship a while back so I could have walked away from it. But I guess the best lessons come at a high price - if you dont take care of yourself in a bad relationship, bad things may happen. The best lesson from all this is self care - the idea I have to take care of myself now is what keeps me going, its only me now and I have to do whats right by me - my ex was always pressuring me to meet his needs and was very selfish. Now I dont have to deal with his mind games so thats a relief. Thanks so much for your support, I really appreciate it.
