Re: This is me... threetimeloser: No estas sola! Eres fuerte, mas de lo que te imaginas.
You took a right step. Things never fall into order right away but know this. You are not the only one. Many have gone through the same and have gotten ahead.
I can't stress enough... get a lawyer. Read the law websites on child support. You are entitiled to child support. He has to. You are not entitled to be insulted or used.
I know this was a big step for you orchid. You are in the right place to say your peace. We are here for you. We are togehter because we all understand.
This is me... worchid76: I met husband in a club. My friends had to drag me out that day. Still I went with them. Dancing with my friends; he was just standing by the bar we started talking and that was about it. Started going out after that. At this time I was actually contemplating going back home to PR. I will never forget the words he said “please don’t go I feel like I want to be with you, please let me help you and take care of you” Long story short I stayed.
He would show up at my house after work then stay the night without me asking him to. Call all the time almost like checking what I was doing all the time. I thought he would stop after a while but no. It did not stop and since I’m a total push over he actually pretty much ran my life from the beginning. Even getting me a job were a friend of his worked. Before I knew it I was expecting my first born. Dominic; right away I started calling the baby “him”. We got married a month after we found out. Turns out there were twins and I lost one of them. Very traumatic experience for a woman. There was actually no reaction from him. We were sitting in a restaurant when I went to the restroom and came back telling him I thought I was loosing the baby. He actually asked if that meant we needed to leave and not wait for the food.
From then on it was down hill. There were put down and name calling almost daily. Maybe he felt trapped. Could not start to describe the level of abuse verbal anyway. From being a puertorican getto, lazy ass, retarded, dike, un educated. Thought my communication with family was too frequent so he cut off the phone. Could not buy anything without permission. Post partum depression is no joke and I had it. Being left alone with a colic baby is terrible too.
I could not hold a job after that. And if there was anything it would have to be late in the evening so the Adam would not miss work and Dom would not have to go to daycare. Having no family support is totally difficult. In the eyes of my husband the marriage is a partnership in witch both parties bring home a paycheck to help pay for life expenses or add so the family can have a better lifestyle. Being a stay at home mom only made me a handicap, and a person with no added value in the family. In part I do understand this but on the other part I really thought I was doing what I could given the cards dealt to me. Things only got worse as time passed, it went to the point were I was totally mentally messed up for lack of better word. I called a domestic violence hotline. I needed to talk to someone that was not family. Ones family can never know! Planning things little by little I escaped. Literaly… meaning the note writing taking everything while you are at work thing. Went to a woman’s shelter. That was horrible!! To see all those woman with broken faces was something I’ll never forget. Could not take it anymore and went to a friends house. After a while listening to my families lectures I went back.
Things got worse. Now he was just angry. After a little while I found a good job. Had to put Dom in daycare for this one. It was doing what I went to school for and I enjoyed it. Of course not getting a paycheck made me valuable and desirable again. Sophia was coming and we did not know for 17 weeks. He even told me to terminate. Lost my job then. All hell broke loose! He was arrested for hitting me. Why was I feeling like I did something wrong? What the hell is wrong with me?!
Ok so we give it another try. It last for a week. The baby is coming so fast. I was alone all the time. My doctor even asked me once if it was true that I had a husband. He had not gone to any appointment with me. Only me and Dom.
I was changing inside. Could feel the anger and bitterness building up. Realizing living like this is no way to live at all. How could I raise my children in this filth of a relationship? Don’t know what to do. Maybe it is true; I deserve this. I had my happiness before. Not everyone marries the love of their life. All you have left is someone who makes you feel all the terrors you have been avoiding all your life.
Re: This is me... worchid76: Will never forget the date. March 13th 05. Something happened, maybe a prayer got answered. I WOKE UP!!!
Much like I’m doing right now. Got on the computer and wrote myself a letter. Telling myself no more. All the things listed I was to change as of that day. And others that would have to be done in ASAP manner. I was to become more selfish. In a way that would make me concentrate in becoming a better person for me and my children. I was to be a better mother because in turn I was to become a better woman. Not to burden myself with trying to be better for somebody else but me. It is really impossible to become exactly what the other person wants, and only you can make your own happiness. If these changes damaged my relationship with this then so be it.
Got a job! Not paying much but it gives me independence again. Feeling much better about myself spending money wisely , having more fun with the kids. Then after a while I realize it was my money going mostly to paying the families expenses. Even thought I was just making barely 13k a year. Husband made 74k a year. Wait a minute something is wrong here. Why should I stay here and get yelled at all the time for the little things still having to spend all my money in the “house stuff” while he gets to go out all the time, come home drunk, and still get to save money in an account that has his name only and I do not get to touch it.
Started planning my escape. To me it was not worth it anymore to stay. God forgive me if I’m damaging the kids. But I do not believe staying is doing any good. I meet somebody at work. OMG we are so alike. I actually fell in love with another person other than the man I’m married to. We end it! He said he could not break a marriage. I found out later Adam called and spoke to him for a long time. Did not want to know what they spoke.
I had gotten my apartment by then anyway and I was not going back. I have never denied him the children and he does not help me with child support. He watches over then while I work. Working nights is pretty hard but that is something I have to do. Still wants to work on getting back together. I’m not sure it will work.
Sorry if anyone read through it, I know it was long :-[
Re: This is me... newts: Hi Worchid,
That is a lot of hell for one person to put up with. I am proud of you for leaving it must have been a very tough decision.
Three is right, he has to pay you child support whether he likes it or not! Get in contact with social services and they will do the hard work for you.
Keep strong and I hope this new relationship works out for you.
