should marriage be 'work'? confused1: i saw this mentioned in another post, but didn't want to hijack it..so i'm starting a new one..
I have a real problem with the thought that 'marriage is hard work'. Should it be? I mean, i'm not saying that marriages don't have issues and problems, but should resolving them take so much work and effort?
Our first counselor brought up that marriage is hard work and I came right back with 'why should it be?'
in a happy, successful marriage, all/most conflict is resolved due to understanding one another and realizing that a compromise needs to be made and coming this compromise. in a marriage that 2 people want, compromise should be automatic...if 2 people want it, but can't agree on what to do to save it, is it really worth saving in the 1st place?
i don't know..i may not be making a whole lot of sense here, just had to get this off my chest.
ok, go ahead..blast away..i'm ready! ;D
Re: should marriage be 'work'? Fresca: I was married twelve years, and yes, I feel marriage is hard work. The 'hard work' part, in my case at least, wasn't from conflict. The hard work is staying involved and connected to the other person while maintaining seperate identities, too. It is in remaining committed to a partner even during the lows of the marriage, while ignoring the every day temptations that cross one's path. It's in keeping the energy and vitality in the relationship. It's working in the little bits of romance and variety to keep the fire from going completely out. It's in fighting off the tendency to take one's partner for granted.
Although my ex's affair ultimately killed the marriage, we were both guilty of losing sight of the 'hard work' part. Every marriage is unique, though, and I suppose for some there may not be any hard work involved at all, on any level.
Re: should marriage be 'work'? down2basics: Ok....I have submitted to my temptation here - so here I go!!
First of all - they are EXACTLY right - Marriage is work - PERIOD! Nothing comes that naturally...your ideals are beautiful but not practical!
Issues that arise, feelings that stew in the background...etc...etc...remember what brought you to this place in the beginning? Do you remember why you married you stbx in the first place? What was it that drew you together? What was it that pulled you apart?
No one person can take all the blame...it's a two way street always and no matter how much you try to place all the blame on the other person - you carry 50% of the burden.
Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition...it is 100/100 - 100% is required from each partner to make a marriage work. I honestly don't know of any other way to put it. Maybe someone else can shed a light on it better than me.
Just for my .02 cents worth - fwiw - Marriage is work - anything that precious is worth fighting for. There are no guarantees that you'll win the fight, but you'll know at least that you did fight the good fight and can now go home with a clear conscience.
d2b
Ps - here is something I read a while back - maybe it'll help you...
Are You Ready For a Successful Relationship?
The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved.
But before you can even get there, you need to make sure you are ready for a successful relationship. Have you honestly and carefully prepared yourself for what is to come? All of the following should be true for you.
I realize that it's not too late.
It is reasonable for me to want a rewarding and fulfilling relationship.
I am entitled to and deserve a high-quality, caring relationship.
I have identified the wrong thinking and bad spirits that have contaminated my previous relationships.
I have embraced the Personal Relationship Values that will configure me for success.
I have diagnosed and gotten real about the pain and problems in this relationship.
I accept and acknowledge full ownership of my contribution to where this relationship is.
I am committed to tapping into my core of consciousness.
If you can fully endorse each one of these statements with a resounding "True," then you're ready to move forward and make a relationship work.
Re: should marriage be 'work'? grober: Hey confused1,
It is funny how anyone even gets married at all. Every married person I talked to before I proposed to my X said "Whew! Marriage is alot of HARD WORK." and "Marriage is something you REALLY, REALLY have to work at."
I think you're right that almost everyone expects compromise to be a part of marriage. I think where the real work comes in is that over time people tend to change. Their needs may also change. A 22 year old has very different needs compared a 32 year old. Some have the idea that once your married, you live happily ever after and things just "work out". That isn't the case at all.
Marriage is a dynamic relationship. The person you marry in your twenties may not be the same person you wake up next to in your thirties. My X actually said to me "I'm the same person you met years ago and you're the one that changed, so what's your problem?"
So what does that mean? I'm out of luck because I'm not exactly the same person I was when I was 21 (who is)? I'm not allowed to grow and have new expectations out of life? She couldn't understand why my needs changed.
You don't just give up (hopefully), you work with your spouse, try to understand which isn't always easy. Over time, you also may have to learn new communication skills and new ways to relate to one another. Those things are very difficult to do because they don't feel natural.
I feel like marriage is a lot of work, but it isn't all work. There are great rewards that come from having a healthy, happy marriage. I hope to have that type of relationship someday.
Just my 2 cents. Great post BTW.
:)
Re: should marriage be 'work'? INCT: I agree with marriage being work, I actually think all relationships require work, and the harder you work the better they are. I can look at myself and saythat I didn't do my share of work, and when I started to it in the wrong direction.
INCT
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