My First Post LNC: I have been lurking around for a while, this is my story…
We have been married for 12 years. We married young she was 19 and I was 20. During our courtship, we only had one fight, it was right before the wedding and I thing we were both nervous and anxious. I think we clicked very well, and I thought we were both happy. We had our ups and downs as any marriage does, but we seemed to get through them.
Well fast forward to 2005 and two kids later. I noticed and advised her that there was something wrong with us in August. In September I found out that she had given her phone number to one of the customers. She claimed that he was going through a hard time and she was just helping him out. Well even after knowing how I felt she continued talking to this guy. In October, I left the house for one day to think things thru and the next day we talked for a long time. She quit volunteering her time and although I tried to trust her, I continued to feel betrayed. I exploded at a party and told her many hurtful things and the next day she said she wanted to separate. I knew I had messed up so I agreed. After talking for the weekend I asked for another opportunity and if she agreed we would go to counseling. After she thought it thru for a couple of days, she agreed. I complete stopped drinking as I had been drinking when I insulted her. We attended four counseling sessions together and seemed to be doing well. But I still had issues of mistrust that apparently she noticed. I was trying my hardest to allow myself to trust her, but my intuition continued to eat at me. We ended our sessions in January as apparently the counselor said we were doing well. During this time, I told her I still had issues of mistrust and that I was trying to overcome them. She got very upset and wanted to separate over me divulging my feelings to her. I told her that it was not fair that she could tell me what she felt but that I could not. Anyways she apologized after about five minutes and said that she did not mean it. So instead of me telling her my feelings, I kept them to myself. This created a great conflict in me that apparently I displayed. Well two months after our last session, she stated again that she wanted to separate because; she was not happy and did not want this type of relationship. I was devastated. To make matters worse, she decided to tell me on our daughter’s birthday. During this time, I had already set more counseling session for us. She refused to go. So I am attending alone. For the last three months we have been discussing the separation/divorce while still living together and sleeping in the same bed. Neither one of us can afford the home and we have to wait until it is sold. Additionally, I have been talking to a co-worker about my situation. I have known her for most of my life and she had gone through a similar situation. She has been very helpful and supportive. I find it very comforting in talking to her and feel she has the same trust in me as I have trusted her with my most inner thoughts and feelings. When my STBXW first told me I did not want the separation as I feel that separation only hurts the relationship. But after discussing with the counselor, she concurred. For the first month I was a mess…but I am starting to feel better. Counseling has really helped as well as talking to my friend. Now I am confused. I know I am still in love with my STBXW but I know she does not feel the same for me. I sort of want to divorce. Like I said we have been talking great and it gives me conflicting feelings. Part of me wants so much to hold on, but the other says let her go and find her happiness. I have even told her that all I want for her is happiness. Honestly though I don’t think I would take it well when I see her moving on. I want so much to tell her that I am willing to wait for her, but at the same time, I know she started talking again to the same guy and I am willing to bow out to her happiness. It hurts and there are days when it has been awfully painful especially living in the same home. I am just trying to be strong and not display my broken heart. Well yesterday, after pushing me to fill out the paperwork for the divorce she said we could wait until we get an offer on the home. Maybe it is just me getting false hope but at the same time I don’t think I deserve to be treated like this. Prior to this I have always given her all my attention, I have been loyal and faithful and although I have my down falls, overall I think I have been good to her. She however, is just seeing the negatives of about me and the relationship. And while I can throw back all the negatives in her, I rather see the positives. I don’t know why I am posting, maybe just to get some of your opinions. Sorry for rambling but thanks for reading.
Re: My First Post Maximus: We are all in the same boat here, and post to get opinions and assistance in getting over the X. I just posted my first one 2 days ago, and it seems to help to get your frustrations out by talking to others about it. Its a lot cheaper than going to see a shrink :)
Hang in there. I was married for almost 10 years, and am 30 years old. As soon as I sign the divorce paperwork in 2 weeks, my life is about to start over again. I have 2 lovely children to help my STBXW raise, and also have the freedom to do what I missed out on while I was married. I am not even divorced yet, but am trying to keep a positive attitude and hoping to stay friends with the STBX for the sake of our children. We are all still young, and need to think of all the things we missed out on because our wife / husband wouldnt let us do them while we were married. I regret my wife divorcing me, but I take things for what they're worth, and live my life without regrets, as it's too short to harbor regret and pain...just let it go.
God Bless and take care of yourself.
Maximus
Re: My First Post LNC: Thanks Max for the reply,
I too want to remain friends w my STBXW for the kids sake. I am trying to keep a positive attitude and have been hanging out with my friend and co-workers. Yet i find it hard when everyone asks for her as we were always together. We have the same circle of friends and now she is hanging out with other people...
I pray each night for strenght for both of us...just some days are tougher than others.
Lost n Confused
Re: My First Post chaotic: [quote author=LNC link=topic=29022.msg281899#msg281899 date=1147805631"> She claimed that he was going through a hard time and she was just helping him out. Well even after knowing how I felt she continued talking to this guy.
[/quote">
D@mn that sounds familiar. I know this is a hard time for you. In a couple weeks, we have our court date. I think a month or 2 after that, our divorce will be final. I know its not much of a help, but we have all been there and can learn and gain strength from one another.
Re: My First Post LNC: chaotic:
thanks for the reply, yeah it is difficult, but like you said we have to be strong. I think we are going to go thru mediation, it funny cause at first she was not really talking much. She claims that she is also having difficulty and not eatting at times. She has lost about ten pounds. I on the other hand at the advise of my therapist started an excercise program...being a smoker though it is tough. I look and feel great but i really need to stop smoking.
Good luck on your upcoming court hearings..
LNC
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