i'm back. croutonic: Here's what happened to me a year and a half ago:
http://ojar.com/boards/index.php/topic,7031.0.html
and now i'll tell you what happened yesterday.
about six months after my wife left, i was feeling pretty good about myself. i'd had the time alone to work on myself, and i really felt like i was making progress, and started to look for someone. about a week after that realization, i did meet someone. someone wonderful. we hit it off immediately, exchanged a lot of emails, then phone calls. she was on the east coast, i was on the west coast, so we made plans to meet in new orleans in june of last year.
it was more wonderful than i could have ever imagined. we just clicked on so many different levels, but we were different enough to have new things to teach each other.
the next year was fantastic. i had thanksgiving with her family in seattle. she stayed with me at my place for a few weeks, met my family. we went to new york, philadelphia, london and scotland.
after my experiences with my ex, i was a little reserved at first. She was the one who first said "i love you". she was the one who told me that i was the love of her life. she was the one who started talking about what our kids would be like. she was the one who started collecting christmas ornaments on our travels, for all of our future christmases. i bought into it, i wanted it, i believed it.
now here's the backstory, and the problem. when i met her, she had just decided to leave her husband of 9 years. she's 28, so they effectively grew up together. he didn't pay attention to her, didn't even care where she was half the time. there was no sexual attraction, no intellectual stimulation, and she'd been trying for a long time to get him to change, but he never did. i saw a lot of how i used to be in what she told me.
she lives very close to her husband. they hang out a lot. she has told me that she loves him, but she is not in love with him - she's in love with me. she told me last night that she needs to break up with me because she needs to take time to figure herself out, and then said that she would probably try again with her ex.
she feels guilty because she feels that she didn't give him enough of a chance to change before, and she doesn't want to live the rest of her life wondering what could have been.
i don't know him. but i doubt that he's changed enough for her to be happy with him. she admitted that she feels the same way, but feels that she has to try anyway.
she even went so far as to tell me that she's going to be really realistic as far as her expectations with him, because her relationship with me has shown her how she deserves to be treated. HELLO! How can someone say that, AND still be in love with me, but dump me anyway?
i feel like she's being stupid and setting herself up for failure. i think she's going to wake up one morning and regret what she's given up, because we both readily admit that what we have is wonderful. it's just apparently not enough.
she's planning on moving back home to be with her family, and figure things out for herself, get to know herself. i want her to do that. i think it's a good idea. she didn't really get the same chance to do that that i had. she went straight from one relationship to another, and i understand her need to do that.
the problem is that i don't think it's going to happen. i think she's going to move out there, and she's either going to move with her ex, or he's going to follow her shortly thereafter. he wants her back, says he's changed. i think she believes him, or at least feels guilty enough to feel obligated to give it another chance.
i still love her. i want her to find herself, and if she needs to break up with me to do that, i support that. i understand it. but it would break my heart if she jumped right back into something with her ex.
she's going to fly out here this weekend to see me one last time. her idea. she said she needed to see me, didn't want to end things over the phone. i don't know what to do, don't know what to say. i feel used, and like i've been hit by a bus. the feeling of rejection is worse than it was with my ex, because it feels like she's leaving me for something she knows will not end well. it feels like i'm being thrown away for a yearning for a past colored by nostalgia, a past that never really existed, and a future that will be more painful than she realizes, because she now knows what she'd been missing, how things could have been. i don't deserve to be treated that way.
i didn't expect to lose one love, find a greater one, and lose that too, all within a year and a half.
Re: i'm back. walkingzombie: oh wow,
the problem I think is that she was feeling empty and you replaced that emptiness, she might have replaced your emptiness too you just didn't realize this bc your ex is completely out of your life, (right?)
I think the problem with having "baggage" is that you are emotionally unavailbale for others,
she may have seemed emotionally available, but she wasn't.
the fact that she said you made her realize how she should be treated....is very, ghh, I can't even find the word for it.
she needs to find herself" is just a cop out for "i want to see if my ex can still make me happy"
ok, the plan, (in my opinion):
Keep calm and composed
She's leaving because SHE wants to, not because you've done something awful, and it's your fault, (you treated her the best she's ever been treated, that's your closure)
She feels the way she does, if you somehow make her feel guilty or sorry for you, AND it happens to make her stay, it may change what she DOES, but it won't change the way she FEELS
Keep a poker face, she's expecting you to fight, to cry, and beg. Anything different (like letting her walk away) will throw her off. Her ego (this sounds way too familiar to me) will be broken, and she might regret her decision after she's had some time to think.
If you know her ex is an a$$, she WILL regret her decision.
The key is; you let her do what she needs to do, if you do or say anything to influence her decision and she regrets it, she will blame it on you,
if you let her make her own decision, and she regrets it, she will blame herself
Re: i'm back. walkingzombie: just remember,
her last impression of you will be the way you stand with her this weekend.
show her NO weakness.
(then you can come here and vent all you want, we'll be here for you, and help you get through the pain)
Re: i'm back. croutonic: thanks, miz zombie, that's excellent advice. i'm not going to beg or plead or anything. she's made up her mind, and i know that i've done absolutely everything i could to make things work. i actually learned my lesson from my prior experience and i know that i treated her right.
if she's going to come back, it's going to have to be because she realizes that it's the right thing to do, not because she feels guilty. i don't want her to go back to her ex for that reason, and i don't want her to come back to me for it, either.
i did my best, and that does give me satisfaction, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
i'll definitely continue to vent here. i forgot how useful this place was. :)
Re: i'm back. croutonic: aaargh! this is not going well. i am getting completely mixed signals from her. she can't seem to go a day without talking to me, telling me about her day, flirting with me.
tells me that we didn't waste a minute that we had together, that she's really glad that we have this weekend, etc.
she also said that she's jealous about one of my friends, because the friend lives near me and she doesn't. i felt like screaming, because we were planning on her moving out here in august, so we could be together and try the whole co-habitation thing.
she's still in love with me. i'm the best thing that ever happened to her. she tells me not to be angry with her, because she "broke her own heart, too". what kind of person breaks their own heart?
after all of this, i'm kind of expecting that she's going to change her mind again when she's out here, because she keeps saying that she has no doubts about us when we're together.
if that happens, i'm going to have to tell her no, because i'm not willing to be with someone that conflicted about a past relationship. i sort of think that i deserve to be wanted unequivocally.
i'm also positive that we're going to "hook up" this weekend (another thing that's the best she's ever had :(), which is always fantastic, but i'm not sure it's a good idea under the circumstances.
help?
signed,
angry, confused, cubic and salty.
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