guilt and letting go - how do i find acceptance? amanarama: This is my first post, and I am still too confused to run it all together into its "story". Thnak you all for your stories - it helps me realise I am not going though this alone in the world and that other people have experienced this kind of pain before and survived - and hopefully thrived.
I feel guilty all the time - and this guilt is for things I have not even done yet - more along the lines of"what else can I do?" "what else could i have done?' "Have I caused this to happen?"
The problem is not lack of love for I am certain that both my husband and I love each other very very much and want to be together. But both of us are sick - in my view he is sicker than me (perhaps becasue I have put him in a prison of incapacity through what I thoguht was "helping" him - all done through the best of intentions.) I have lost everything - house, future, children we were going to make together, possessions etc.. but mainly I feel like I have lost my husband and my best friend and would give anything to have him back.
As the situation stands he needs professional help, but refuses to get it. He says he loves me but I feel he is very angry with me for "controlling" him, at the same time I can't stop myself wanting tohelp him further, especially when I think he might harm himself or land up in prison or on the streets. Now I think i have to let him go - which could either kill him, or make him healthy> I hope the latter, becasue as I say, I want him back - but the way things are now it can't go on or I feel I will lose my mind or possibly even my life.
I want to pour out my heart to him and make him understand, but I have been doing that every night for a long time now and it is not helping - and it is very hard to accept that right now he is not himself - like the one I married has left the building - and he cannot understand what I am saying to him. He will not understand a different sort of love - one like this - which allows the person to hit rock bottom, so that they pick themselves up and make the choice to heal.
It is VERY hard to accept that I have no power to force that choice on him. But i have tried everything adn honestly done my best, and for now, no matter what anyone else says or thinks I KNOW this is the truth.
Now I am trying to get out of the house (since we have been evicted) and get somwhere safe: I cannot take him with me (even though I desperately want to) becasue I know if I do the same thing will happen again> I am trying to be strong and tell myself to be firm on the decision that he must seek help, he must choose to live and be alive and get healthy.
Please if anyone out there prays, i ask you to send up a prayer for this anonymous poster and her husband that the pwers that be with be with us and guard and protect us through this intense sufferring.
Thanks for listening.
