Making Your kids feel ok. KROD172127: I am dating someone that has 2 kids and I have one of my own. It has become hard for him to take the "next step" in our relationship because he feels that his kids will be upset at the fact that he is with my son all the time and not with them. (His 2 are boys also.) I love his kids and treat them like they are my own and he loves my son like he is his own, but how can we move on with our lives with out them (the kids) feeling ackward? I am not worried about my son, but we are concerened with his. They ar 2 and 4 and I know that they are still young. What can do?? HELP! ???
Re: Making Your kids feel ok. jillieb44: All you can do is be honest with them. Trust me, kids are smart and understand way more than we give them credit for.
I'm assuming that their mom has primary custody and he has liberal visitation.
Truth is, while kids need BOTH parents, most kids are better off with their mom's primarily (nobody jump down my throat over this, in GENERAL it holds true but I know there are MANY exceptions -- assuming this guy in this scenario would make a wonderful full time dad -- just try prying his kids away from their mom...)
Ie his kids are with their mom primarily, and your kid is with you (the mom) primarily. Even a little kid can understand that, even if they don't agree with it....
Jillie, assuming that this man DOES have liberal visitation with his boys...
Re: Making Your kids feel ok. KROD172127: He and his ex we never married and they don't have anything going through the court system. He sees them everyother weekend and sometimes (if he has the money) he will see them during the week. He is a great father, if he wasn't then I would't have him around my son. His father left him and his mom when he was 5 for another woman that had a child so he thinks that his kids are going to think like he did. I tried to tell him that there are ways to not make them feel the way his dad made him feel. I also told him that I will treat his kids just the way I treat mine child and I do.
Re: Making Your kids feel ok. jillieb44: Even though there is no formal custody agreement, your man and his ex should at least make a huge point of not badmouthing the other in the presence of the kids, but talking about him/her in a positive light. Hard when you're pissed, but doable. Kids need to know that their parents are okay, even when they can't live together any more. That it's not THEIR fault. It's time to be the adult and push hurt feelings aside for the sake of the kids. If he and his ex can do this, then his kids can have healthy relationships with BOTH parents.
And even though there was no marriage involved, I believe the courts CAN get involved in custody if there are disputes. He has a legal right to see his kids (in case things get ugly in the future, but I'd hope not for the sake of the kids).
Jillie
Re: Making Your kids feel ok. sheydp: At two and four his kids won't honestly remember much of this time - or the time before when they had him to themselves. The WILL remember how you are in the future with them, and as long as you BOTH treat them as loving adults - they will find their lives enhanced by the additional love.
As for how they will take it in the MEANTIME... no way to know until you try. Is he going to not move on with his life forever? They just need to know he cares, and as long as he does that, they will be fine. Heck - the two year old won't even notice - just another adult to pay attention to him - and the four year old will love another adult playmate! Yes, their Dad will be with another child more than them, but he wouldn't be with them all the time even if there were no other children ever... Honestly - I think THAT is the issue he is struggling with - NOT how his kids will take it - but really FACING that he won't be 100% with them all the time...
Shey
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