The Past Does Not Define Us startingover: Well, here goes...........
I don't remember much growing up, I have blocked most of it out. Bits and pieces come back from time to time. I remember being told over and over by my father he never wanted to have kids. He said we took too much money and time. He was so angry at my mother for getting pregnant with my brother and having to marry her.
He was abusive and controling. A move wasn't made in the household without his prior knowledge and consent. My mother wouldn't leave, she said it was her punishment for getting pregnant out of wedlock. We all suffered for that choice.
One time when I was about 6, my older brother was teasing me and kept taking my toys and breaking them. When I started to cry my father came in and choked my brother until he passed out. Got up, straightened his shirt and left the room. Later when it was discovered my brother had run away, I was told it was my fault, it should have been me and that if anything happened to my brother it would be all my fault.
My mother ignored me most of the time, unless the house hadn't been cleaned to her liking, which was most of the time. Then I was ungrateful and didn't appreciate all she did for me. She would stand behind me and yell all sorts of nasty things while I tried to clean the house the best a child could do. It was never good enough.
I spent the summers in the hot AZ heat covered in long pants and long sleeve shirts to hide the constant bruises.
The best parts of my childhood were when my grandmother came to visit. Everyone would put on an act that all was ok, for a few weeks we acted like a normal family. I always looked forward to her visits. She would spend hours listening to my stories and taking me to do things, just the two of us. Every time she would leave, I would cry myself to sleep because I knew things were going back to the way they were.
Re: The Past Does Not Define Us startingover: About the age of six, my brother decided it was his duty to teach me about "what grown ups in love do" as he put it. This continued off and on until I was about 12. I discovered years later, one of his friends had found out and told my parents, though they did nothing to stop it.
He tried to start it up again a few years later when him and his wife split up. He had moved home for a while, much to my disheartenment. He wasn't home, so I decided it was time to take a shower. Somehow he picked the lock and cornered me naked. When I started screaming my mother came in the room and just looked at me. I'll never forget the look on her face, full of hatred and disgust at me. Somehow it was my fault and had asked for it. A man doesn't do that unless you make yourself available to him.
Not soon after I started using meth. It helped mask the pain, although it caused it's own set of problems. I started living life fast and loose and made a lot of mistakes. Including a boyfriend who would end up stalking me and threatening my life. No one would help me because some of the bad choices I made during this time and my father's political ties. He didn't want word to get out that his daughter was a drug addict with a stalker. To get away from him, I snuck of to Utah in the middle of the night. That is were I met the ex.
Re: The Past Does Not Define Us startingover: For some reason I will never get, I decided to run from the ex boyfriend to stay with my brother, even after all he had done. Choices we make when drugs are involved. I sobered up while there, only to have my brother steal my car and all my belongings.
In the meantime I started seeing the ex. We met at his birthday party. He was great, such a gentleman and very kind. For once in my life I felt safe. He was even there the day my brother showed back up and got all my belongings back for me. I didn't have a place to stay, so he asked me to stay with him for a while. He never tried to make a move on me.
Things were so good between us in the beginning, I had never felt so happy and safe in my entire life. The end of that summer he asked me to marry him and I said yes. I moved back home for a while to plan my wedding, all was good with the world.
Re: The Past Does Not Define Us startingover: We talked every night and sent letters every day, while my mother took over the entire wedding. I still didn't have the backbone to stand up for what I wanted. We had planned on a simple ceremony in Vegas so his family could be there and a reception in AZ for my family. We ended up getting married in my aunt's living room.
We then moved to Vegas so he could go back to work for the union. Things were good between us until he got caught up with his old friends. Somehow they thought it was ok for a married man to continue to act as if he is single. There were a couple of nights he didn't come home, and the fact his supposed best friend stole all our money. Two days after I told him I was leaving he hurt his back seriously and he ended up out of work. I didn't feel right walking out on him when he was in such bad shape. We ended up moving back to AZ together and try start over.
Shortly afterward I found out I was pregnant with our first child, even though I had been told by three different drs I would never be able to have kids. Things were looking up for us. We moved into our own appartment and started preparations for our own family. The pregnancy ended up being somewhat difficult, and labor almost killed me, but we were together and happy with our baby girl.
Re: The Past Does Not Define Us startingover: Not long after our daughter was born, his adopted mother became ill and we moved back to Utah to take care of the house while she was in the hospital. The dr told us R was a fluke, and the chances of me having another child were about 1 in 200,000, birth control wasn't a necessity, or so he told us. He couldn't have been more wrong.
When our girl was about 6 months old, we found out we were pregnant again. We couldn't have been happier. His family on the other hand was not. They sent their father back to the house for us to take care of. He was about 75 and blind, and a very bitter man. When my ex wasn't around he told me I was just a trampy bitch out drag him down with another screaming brat that wasn't his. The day before I had a drs appointment to find out what the sex of the baby was, he tripped me and I hit my stomach on the refrigerator trying to keep my daughter from falling. I never told the ex about that. I should have though, the next morning as we were getting ready to leave for the drs appointment I started bleeding.
I was told if I said a word, my husband would be told that this baby wasn't his child. He had someone to back him up that I was sleeping around while R was at work. It wasn't true, but I didn't know what else to do. I was in a strange house surrounded by his family and didn't want to raise a child on my own. We had only been married just over a year, and I was only 21.
By the time we got to the hospital it was too late for Faith. The injury had been too severe. Our little girl was gone before she even had a chance. Afterwards his family told him it was for the best and that he should leave me before he gets dragged in too deep. We decided to move back to AZ, and he has never spoken to them since.
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