i just left him, but being the one who leaves doesnt make it easy workinprogress: Hi, I'm brand new here. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years. It was the most difficult thing ive ever done. I have been searching for advice but all i can find is advice for the people who were left, as if the one who left has it easy? my bf and i began dating in college, and we had a long distance relationship for the entire time. things were great, he was amazing, and then we went to rome together to study abroad, and things were still great. Then when we returned, i went back to LA and got a job, and he stayed in NY to finish school. I began to lose interest, and for the next year and a half i got more and more annoyed by him. I can't explain it, i dont think he even really did anything wrong. He has always been very supportive and everything a bf needs to be. But there was something wrong with me, i dont know if i shut him out to protect myself from getting hurt or what, but it started getting so that when my cell rang and i saw it was him i would sometimes opt not to answer. The spark had gone, when we saw each other sex became a chore. I thought it was just me, that i wasnt a sexual person, but i came to realize that was not the case, it was just that there was no spark with him. and he's a VERY attractive man! Anyways, he was going to move out here very shortly, and i thought it would be unfair for him to move here for me and move in with me when i had these doubts, so when i went to NY for his graduation, i broke up with him. We were on the track to marriage, it was devastating for both of us. I flew back to LA, and now i'm wondering if i did the right thing. I've read so many stories about how people are in abusive relationships and have these awful problems, and i left a perfectly good man. But i couldnt help but think that at 22, passion couldnt be over in my life forever. I'm starting to realize that what i miss is not so much him, but that comfort. I didn't think i had low self esteem until now, but now i realize that i used having a boyfriend to validate myself. I'm starting to think that i need to wait awhile before seeing anyone, so i can work on creating my own self esteem, but the question is still there, did i do the right thing????
Re: i just left him, but being the one who leaves doesnt make it easy newts: [quote"> question is still there, did i do the right thing?[/quote">
I don't know, only you can answer that.
I am very proud of you for making such a brave decision and your right 22 is far to young to lose all the passion in a relationship. You have so much to experience, so much to do before you really decide about a long term furture with someone else who is also the same age. I think staying single for a while is a great idea, experience, experiment that is what your 20's is all about.
Good luck and have fun discovering you and your future.
Re: i just left him, but being the one who leaves doesnt make it easy broken_saint: did you make the right choice? or do you just feel guilty and need to validate a "real reason" for leaving him? i hope i don't sound like i'm being harsh but i'm having a hard time trying to understand the reasoning of the one that leaves in this sort of situation.
i really can't help you in answering if this is the right choice you made but i'm just curious ... what has he done for you to just "lost the spark" ? what about him was so "annoying" ?
i mean seriously, he was a "perfectly good man" but "annoying"? plus, i don't believe that sounds like it has anything to do with you thinking you have low self-esteem and i honestly think that there's something more to the story.
welcome to ojar....
Re: i just left him, but being the one who leaves doesnt make it easy walkingzombie: hey workinginprogress,
I am a leaver
Leaving someone is really hard,
when you're emotionally checked out, it can initially feel like a big relief,
like you're finally free to do whatever you want,
if they call and beg, you're still in power mode, you're the queen of the world and you're good to go.
it's when they don't call, or when they show that they are completely unaffected by you leaving that it can get hard-
you feel sooooo bad that he's not pinning over you anymore, that you feel like you need him back in your life. then you start questioning why you left.
but what you really need is for him to want you- that's it-
the reality is- that you weren't into him anymore, and for whatever reason, it built up so bad that you were built up the courage to leave,
it usually takes a big moment that says, "ok, it's now or never"
sometimes, you need to leave and get out of your comfort zone to realize one of two things,
1. you really love him, and he was the best thing that ever happened to you. and you go back to him. or
2. you realize that this was the best decision you made.
If you don't jump into a relationship right away, you feel empty and can be decieved by this loneliness. You're afraid to swim in deep waters by yourself, and find the need to go back into your safetynet.
if you do jump into a relationship, then all you've done is pull yourself out of the deep waters by getting yourself into a new safetynet.
look, I've soooo been there and done that-
I STRONGLY suggest that you don't even date for a while, fight the urge to make any rash decisions, (like going back with him out of loneliness and hurt him for the second time)
my take on it is that you wont know until you've had some time ALONE to think.
the risk with that is, that if and when you feel like you guys belong together-
he might not be there, but it's a risk you're gonna have to take to appreciate him or to truly be happy with someone you're really crazy about.
The Chance Leavers Take when they Leave and are Bluffing Freckles: [quote author=walkingzombie link=topic=29505.msg288506#msg288506 date=1148882612">
Leaving someone is really hard,
if they call and beg, you're still in power mode, you're the queen of the world and you're good to go.
it's when they don't call, or when they show that they are completely unaffected by you leaving that it can get hard-
you feel sooooo bad that he's not pinning over you anymore, that you feel like you need him back in your life. then you start questioning why you left.
[/quote">
My StbxW was Bluffing BIG Time when She Left
Only thing is I did not know that
So 8 months of Zero Calls then First Week in April on a Sunday at 1:30 Pm
She Says * I Love You, Can I Come Back Monday ?(Sounding like Sugar)
I Say * No, Because It would go right back to where it was.(Sounding Like So Soory and Felt it too)
Leave and Bluff so You can be the Queen of the World
You are Taking a Big GAMBLE that Husband will Think * Now is My Chance to Get a Real Sugar Pie Wife who is 10 Years Younger than Wife I have Noiw who is full of Bile and Hostility and Mad
Ya ! Yahoo ! I can Have a Woman NOW 1/2 My Age and Sweet as Sugar !
And Soon I will Triple My Income ! Yhippie !
:)
GoodBye Mean Hostile No Sex Selfish Leaver !
Hello 1/2 My Age Hot Woman with Big Boobers and Clingy
:)
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