I used to love the beach toofreshtothinkright: Yesterday a friend of mine called (she knew I'd be moping around thinking of S***h), so she dragged me to the beach. It was foggy and not the warmest, but I always have found the beach very calming ever since I was a kid (so did my ex:( )
Anyway, we sat and talked about everything for hours and hours, just listening to the water and watching the waves. Just to clarify, there is nothing between us...just a cool girl, and a great friend.
I broke down as soon as we sat down because the ex and I LOVED the beach so much...so many good times. Anyway, unfortunately she has a friend who knows almost everyone, including the ex, so now the ex nows how bad I have been handling all of this. That makes me upset.
Also, 4 years of pictures are gone because her hard drive got fried. All of our memories....gone. I almost threw up when I heard that.....I know it is true because the computer was f***ed when we were together and I was afraid the HD was gone. How am I supposed to deal with that? She has nothing to look back on now even if she wanted to.
THe talk was very hard and very cleansing at the same time. She was brutally honest and it just reaffirmed the things I am already working on to change. BUt at the same time, for some reason it gave me hope that my ex will appreciate the changes I have made and will make...god it is hard not to think that way.
She was on my mind all day today. I have a felling I am going to cave and send her an email....I have to respond to the one she worte about the pictures..but I know it willgo further....I don't have the stregth not to.
ALSO, a job opportunity came up, and I think I have a pretty good chance. It is southwestern Ontario, 2 hours outside Toronto. I HATE SW ONT, I always have. I am really confused as to what to do. One one hand, it is a change. At the same time, I can barely leave my apartment right now, let alone move somewhere new. I know my quality of life will drop....I can't imagine leaving the ocean...Unless you grew up by it, you won't understand, but a part of me says why the hell does she get to have this great life in this city while I might have to move? I don't know where that voice is coming from.
I am really at a crossroads in my life right now and I have no idea what do to. I am scared to death. My ex is consuming my thoughts and they are just focused on that "one more"hail mary pass.....I am feeling her slip away and I am getting desperate.
That talk on the beach really did something to me, both good and bad. It made me realize that I have been very selfish through all of this and that I have a lot of improving to do. At the same time, realizing all of the wrong turns I have made, Ifelt like that talk basically broke a dam that was holding all my emotions that I never showed my ex. I really know that I am a changed person due to this..I know it in my heart. I know it. I just feel helpless and just have no idea how to let her know I have changed. I would marry her. Everythign that I was afraid of, I'm not anymore because I have such a different view of everything now. I can't just let her slip away...I can't. I have to try something.
EVERYBODY says not to contact her and to move on (excpet for MikeB:))
I have made SO MANY mistakes with her, and am so afarid she will never look back. So what do I do?
I feel that time is running short with the job stuff...the pictures being gone, this feeling I have....I want to be like in the movies and just burst in and propose to her....god how do people handle this?
Re: I used to love the beach audi_driver: dont worry about the pics.....my ex didn't even take one pic of me. So me being me, I copied the wedding video onto CD and sent it to her......I also had to shove a large picture of myself and my daughter down her throat to get it put in her room.
Re: I used to love the beach Feel: I don't really know what your situation was and why you broke it off... But if you feel that you won't take her for granted and know you really have mde strong changes, why don't you try... I am a beleiver of trying to make things work! I tried till I was black and blue with pain! I have a 3year old boy and now my ex is still with the OW that he said was a crazy person who he couldn't get away from!
Anyway, if you are truly a changed man ??? then why don't you call her a tell her how you feel! Why shouldn't she know, Unless there are more reasons behind it or there is too much pride involved.....
Be strong and don't always be worried to cry when you need too...
Re: I used to love the beach Melbel: I disagree about calling. I called my x and told him how I felt (yes he too is with someone) after I was done he said, "Melissa a part of me will always care about you but I have moved on and so should you." He also told me he didn't like when I told him how I felt and that I wanted him back (thank god a missed that bullet) he said it "killed him and made him feel like a d**k, because he could love me like that anymore".
It was reliving the day he walked out the front door. NO THANKS!!!
Melissa
Re: I used to love the beach Feel: I hear what you are saying Mel, but like I said I am not quite aware of what his situation is...
Mel you know how I feel about a cheating husband.... How are u doing?
