How long it too long? gdgross: Hi folks,
I don't post here too much, though I am definitely a lurker, so y'all probably don't remember my situation. I'll give a refresher...
My wife moved out in January. She doesn't understand why she feels the way she does. A few months later, after many counselling sessions and conversations, we come to some understanding of what contributed to our situation. In short, I was too busy and intersted in my own stuff, and she was too accommodating to even realize I was doing anything wrong, much less tell me. At least that seems to be the official story. I sometimes wonder if there isn't any more to it. I do realize my error, but I find it hard to believe I was really that bad of a husband. I was 23 and she was 21 when we married.
She feels really hurt by me and she's pretty much emotionally moved on, but is not completely closed to the idea of eventually getting back together with me. But she can't "see it" (her words).
So we have been going on "dates" every week or three for the last few months, and her (physical) behavior to me is incredibly cold. If I'm lucky I'll get a hug at the end of the night. I have made it clear to her that I love her and want to work things out, but she doesn't know what she wants. She looks back on our marriage with disdain and does not want to return to that. It seems she really doesn't believe that anything will change. I can't remember the last time she said she loved me. Probably eight months ago or so.
Nonetheless, she continues to let me take her out. We have fairly normal conversations, and she seems to enjoy herself. However, it's incredibly emotionally draining for me. I get my hopes up, and then let down again just about every time we go out. I question whether she will ever come around and if I am just wasting my time trying to win her back.
Yet, I love her and would do anything to get her back. If I knew she was coming back eventually, I could put up with a lot. The hard part is the not knowing.
She has gone on a couple dates with other dudes, but she's smart and trustworthy enough to keep it cool. She doesn't want to complicate things any more than they already are. Mostly I think they were just something to do.
My counsellor suggests that I continue dating her and do my best to be the charming, funny, etc. guy that she fell in love with, but that was a couple of months ago. I'll be going in to see him in the next couple of weeks or so.
I wonder how long I will last at this. Or even if it's the right way to go. I've had a few freinds suggest that I just quit pursuing her and let her do her thing.
My ultimate goal is to reconcile the marriage, but it does take two and right now it seems I'm the only one who really cares.
Sorry for the long post; I needed to vent after another "date" last night...
If you've got suggestions, I'll take 'em. A few folks on here have already advised the "no contact" thing, but I am hesistant about that.
Re: How long it too long? chiefkyle: I would recommend the same thing as your doctor. Date her, charm her, entertain her. Show her who you are. She has put up a wall. The only person that can take it down is her. There is something about you she still feels, or she wouldn't even speak to you.
Show her your best side. Whats the worst she can do, not be with you. Your in that boat anyway. Try your best, give it your all.....and if you don't get back together, you know you tried your best.
Re: How long it too long? toofreshtothinkright: i second that motion.
Re: How long it too long? crushedman: I'm not sure that I agree with the other responses. I've read your story and it's a heartbreaker. First of all, you wife's behaviour is incredibly selfish and deplorable. This is not something that is happening to her- this is something that she is doing to you. You say that she doesn't know what she wants- I disagree. She knows exactly what she wants and her actions are revealing her intentions. Why would she move out of your home if she doesn't know what she wants? You say that she "lets" you take her out... what's up with that?!!! She's your wife! Does she have any comprehension of the fact that her actions have direct (negative) consequences to you? Furthurmore, she is not telling you what needs to be done to fix this. Why? And what is the deal with the end of the night? What about your sexual needs? You deserve SOOOO much better than this, man. As far as I'm concerned, this woman is no prize. She feels hurt by you, yet she never told you what was bothering her? Give me a f-ing break! What you are doing isn't working. This marriage might be over, and if it is, you don't want to go down like this. Get mad. Start an argument. Put her on the spot. Do anything, but don't continue along this same path because it leads nowhere.
cm
Re: How long it too long? Feel: You obviously seem to not want to give up.... you seem to be a loyal man... does she live on her own?
Call her and tell her that you want to cook dinner for her or go out so things don't get so crazy, pick a restaraunt that is very classy.... tell you how you feel, that you love her and want to make it work and you have been patient, BUT you are not going to continue the chase anymore you have gone on too long in limbo, be firm and don't give in...
See how she reacts and don't make a first move to kiss or hug, do exactly what she is doing (emotional)....
Though you know this might hurt, it might give help her stop stringing you along or it might get her to come back.
I wish I would have left when I found out that my STBX was doing the wild thing, but looking back even if I decided to leave for good then as now, he might never have changed....
I just can't understand how the love just dies... I still have it for my STXH and and it hurts... I am moving on, but its real hard! the man that i am with right now worships the ground I walk on and won't go to bed unless he gets to touch me or message me.... it's crazy I have never had this before... he wants to do everything for me and I don't know how to accept such a giving man...
Who knows maybe you can find a women who wants you as much as you want her, if your wife decides or you that it's time to move on!
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