Re: should marriage be 'work'? achingallover: I think the hard part is - there is not a class you take in high school that teaches you how to be in relationship with another person. You come into the relationship, relating the way you were modeled to and taught to by your parents - which is my case was a very unreliable source! I'll be working to break those bad habits for the rest of my life!
Also, people come into relationships with different psychosis and defecits when it comes to relating to people. For example, when my stbx and I got together he got validated by taking care of people - he sacrificed himself for the good of others. Me, as sad as this is to say about myself, I wanted to be taken care of and could play the victim quite well at times. We fit - he wanted to care take, I wanted to be taken care of. Now, I'm getting stronger and learning to take care of myslef - and he doesn't know how to feel good about himself anymore becuase he isn't able to care take the way he used to. Does this make any sense?!
Anywho, it is work, but if you work, I think the pay off can be the most rewarding one in life. Learning good relational skills and communication skills, as well as learning about yourself and your needs/wants in relationships - these are all work - but in my mind, they are skills worth having, as they help me relate to myself and they help me have better relationships all around.
Did that make any sense? Oh, well. ;D
Steph
Re: should marriage be 'work'? Elskeren:
Very interesting question and one that I continue to ask myself too. I seem to be coming to the conclusion that while some work, committment, dedication, and even philosophy on life are required to keep a marriage going happily, marriage shouldn't be a 'hard work'. A hard work marriage is not a worthy marriage.
elsk-
Re: should marriage be 'work'? whistler40069: As I have always noticed on websites even before I became married, the rate of Divorce is like 1/2 in just about the whole world. I am confused about what to do about my marriage. My wife and I met when I came to her country with a college choir. I met her because she was having a choir friend homestay at her place where I ended up staying because ... I met her at a Dance Club where she was with my choir friends, and then i ended up also moving into her house because she, well frankly the place i was at was not good, we liked eachother at first site, and she had an additional room at her parents and wanted me to stay there. So that was 6 years ago, 3 of marriage which started in the states, but last year we moved to her country to go to college where it was cheaper and also where she could be with her family while we studied because later America is the place we want to be. Anyhoo, Im trying to figure out this work thing, I Really Believe marriage is work because divorce is so easy (1 in 2, come on). Im trying to understand though how my wife can not understand that... when she is living with someone who gives examples of how we can work stuff out, but she just opts out of it and lets the days pass until the next time she decides to freak out at me and then I freak out at her (Circles, i hate circles). I have said counselor many times because frankly with so many unmarried and divorced people there is not any good friendly advice in her country. I have said books, the internet, or just easily communicating about stuff... maybe write ideas down or whatever. Basically anyway she is stuck on, I dont know what conclusions in her head.. that she will not ever see a counselor and she doesnt feel the same anymore about me because we have fought about mainly just regular LITTLE (ooo) stressful stuff. Anyway, i blew up recently (xmas when she was acting for three days leading to xmas angry about life) and I angrly mentioned divorce,"im fed up tone", after her brother snapped at me for snapping at her because she did something rude. Days later after major frustration and anger on both sides, When I ask her what she thinks I should do, divorce or stay and work it out, she tells me its up to only me what to do. I tell her I really need her input on what she wants me to do and she tells me that she has already decided. I really really Love my wife with a PASSION and even know she isn't exactly on the same wavelength with me i really want to save our marriage. What can I do... Here I just sit around when I'm not attending college because I dont speak her language so I cant get a job that would make enough money to make a difference because this country has major difficulties mangaging thier money issues in the parliament.. (by the way we live with her Mother and Father, Her 30 year old single Brother, and the foster boy-11 who looks up to me so much. I'm 25 years old.)
