Re: should marriage be 'work'? confused1:
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I was married twelve years, and yes, I feel marriage is hard work. The 'hard work' part, in my case at least, wasn't from conflict. The hard work is staying involved and connected to the other person while maintaining seperate identities, too. It is in remaining committed to a partner even during the lows of the marriage, while ignoring the every day temptations that cross one's path. It's in keeping the energy and vitality in the relationship. It's working in the little bits of romance and variety to keep the fire from going completely out. It's in fighting off the tendency to take one's partner for granted.
Although my ex's affair ultimately killed the marriage, we were both guilty of losing sight of the 'hard work' part. Every marriage is unique, though, and I suppose for some there may not be any hard work involved at all, on any level.
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I might be answering my own question here, and I might be missing the point..but if you are married to someone you love, your 'best friend' how hard is it to remain committed during the lows? That should be easy! Easy to say 'hey, things are low for you/us, but i'm here for you/us and with you/us and we'll get through this low point together'.
As for ignoring temptations, one shouldn't even realize or recognize the temptations. And if one does, maybe that's something that needs to be addressed and resolved as well.
Re: should marriage be 'work'? confused1:
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Ok....I have submitted to my temptation here - so here I go!!
First of all - they are EXACTLY right - Marriage is work - PERIOD! Nothing comes that naturally...your ideals are beautiful but not practical!
Issues that arise, feelings that stew in the background...etc...etc...remember what brought you to this place in the beginning? Do you remember why you married you stbx in the first place? What was it that drew you together? What was it that pulled you apart?
No one person can take all the blame...it's a two way street always and no matter how much you try to place all the blame on the other person - you carry 50% of the burden.
Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition...it is 100/100 - 100% is required from each partner to make a marriage work. I honestly don't know of any other way to put it. Maybe someone else can shed a light on it better than me.
Just for my .02 cents worth - fwiw - Marriage is work - anything that precious is worth fighting for. There are no guarantees that you'll win the fight, but you'll know at least that you did fight the good fight and can now go home with a clear conscience.
d2b
Ps - here is something I read a while back - maybe it'll help you...
Are You Ready For a Successful Relationship?
The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved.
But before you can even get there, you need to make sure you are ready for a successful relationship. Have you honestly and carefully prepared yourself for what is to come? All of the following should be true for you.
I realize that it's not too late.
It is reasonable for me to want a rewarding and fulfilling relationship.
I am entitled to and deserve a high-quality, caring relationship.
I have identified the wrong thinking and bad spirits that have contaminated my previous relationships.
I have embraced the Personal Relationship Values that will configure me for success.
I have diagnosed and gotten real about the pain and problems in this relationship.
I accept and acknowledge full ownership of my contribution to where this relationship is.
I am committed to tapping into my core of consciousness.
If you can fully endorse each one of these statements with a resounding "True," then you're ready to move forward and make a relationship work.
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hmm..i should have used the word 'hard' in the subject also, but i did use 'hard work' within the post....and 'work' is exactly what YOU(not you specifically), make it. I can make it hard or easy, she can make it hard or easy. it's a choice..I don't think it's idealistic....your marriage is what you and your spouse make it..
I never said i blamed her 100% or myself 100%...we all have our faults and issues. When two people recognize that there are issues within the marriage, and can actually agree on what those are, you have an 'agreement'. Then when those two people both state to one another 'I love you, i want the marriage to be a happy, successful marriage' then you have a goal. Shouldn't it be 'easy' to say "i'll do anything to make this a happy marriage". Then you start a journey together down the same path(s) to 'happiness'...if one path doesn't work, recognize it and try a different one instead of going back down the same path that leads to a dead end everytime.
so to clarify, i'm not saying marriage shouldn't be work, it just shouldn't be hard work...it should be easy work that's not really even recognized as 'work'.
Re: should marriage be 'work'? atd74: confused1,
I agree with you and I agree with the other posts. Marriage always takes some amount of work on both sides and a marriage should be a 50/50 deal and things in a marriage don't just get resolved by themselves so in that respect it's always work. (Whether it's 50/50 or 100/100 you get the point - the equation should come out the same.)
But I don't think marriage should be hard work ALL THE TIME. If you are constantly battling each other, can never compromise and your marriage turns into a battle of hard work all the time you loose something between the two of you. There are just some things in a marriage that shouldn't have to be so much of an effort all the time.
And I agree... if 2 people can't agree on what to do to save the marriage then it's not worth spinning your wheels!
Re: should marriage be 'work'? notmyself: work is defined as Physical or mental effort or activity directed toward the production or accomplishment of something. when you put it in the context marriage is hard work, i guess by definition it is. however, when you say that it is hard work it takes on the ideal of something you don't want to do, drudgery. the work that you put into your mariage should be something that you do out of love, out of committment. sure, there might be some difficult conversations, situations, whatever, but it shouldn't be going through your mind 'i can't wait for this to be over' like you would be thinking towards the end of workday. work implies that it is something that you have to do, obligated to do. i know that i am guilty of saying 'i never knew marriage was such hard work', but it shouldn't have been like that.
'QUOTE FROM CONFUSED1: But I don't think marriage should be hard work ALL THE TIME. If you are constantly battling each other, can never compromise and your marriage turns into a battle of hard work all the time you lose something between the two of you. There are just some things in a marriage that shouldn't have to be so much of an effort all the time.'
i agree totally with that. once that 'something' is lost, i don't think it can ever be totally regained.
Re: should marriage be 'work'? inebr: I definately agree in that marriage takes work. The "hard" work part of it is where I get hung up. I can see there are *times* or eras within a marriage where it can be hard work. I've heard people who've been married for long periods of time talk about these times and reflect on them like historic battles or something. That is what makes it difficult for me to judge my situation when things get bad because I often think that this is just one of those difficult times that happens. Are we to expect these VERY trying times in marriage? Is that just part of the deal? I don't think marriage should always be hard, though.
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