I really need some advice... yaz: It's been 2 months now since my husband said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married to me. Since then, we've been through so much pain -- together and sep. He's seeing a therapist (one I have my doubts about), we've seen a terrible couples counselor and are currently seeing a good one. He's really lost and ambivelent about me, marriage, himself -- basically doesn't know who he is or what he wants anymore at all. I moved out of our bedroom about 6 weeks ago in an effort to give us both space and also a little emotional distance -- though I'm as connected to all this pain as ever.
In the *good* marr counseling, he was given a choice: 1.) try to work it out, 2.) stay undecided, but keep coming to sessions for a couple more weeks then decide or 3.) mediate a divorce. He thought about it for a week and on Wed--to my complete surprise-- he chose to *try*. Now he's starting to say he wants to reconnect and start maybe sleeping together again -- meaning I move back into the bedroom.. So -- do I?
The week before, he told me he thought he *should* move out. To which I freaked. It was the night before our anniv, and he says this, and I said -- then GO! But he wouldn't. Not even for a few hours. It was a horrible week -- got better --then worse, as I woke up on the weekend to his annoucement that he transferred 1/2 our savings into his private account, Because -- he said -- he was afraid I'd throw him out and he'd be high and dry.
Obviously, we have some trust issues...
So fast forward to today: I tried to compromise with him -- said if you can committ to me to 2 months -- meaning keep *trying* to work it out (we've only just started), and stop looking for apts, I will feel safe enough emotionally and give myself back to this relationship. But he can't/won't say he'll stop looking for other places to live.
I'm making it sound simple, but he's really torn up too. I asked for a 2 month commit b/c he is leaving town in August for another 2 months (will come home a few days a week), and I feel like if we wait too long to reconnect, it will be too late. I know he's afraid that if we fall apart over the next months before he's scheduled to go, he won't have a home to return to where we live. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm risking everything to be with him again, and he wants it both ways. To reserve the right to leave anytime, and to also have me as his wife. I'm so confused. I love him so much and I want nothing more than to crawl back in bed with him, but I also feel I really need to be prepared for him to leave me. Like so many other here, I was completely blindsided by my spouse -- thought we were both so happy, and all of a sudden BAM, he's talking about ending this *chapter* of his life.
He says one of the problems was that the passion had gone. I think its selective memory, but I guess that's how he feels. But I don't want to service or seduce -- I want a bona fide love. What do I do?
Re: I really need some advice... brokenbaby: I don't think I would move back into the bedroom knowing he cannot commit to at least stop looking for another place to live. How committed is he to trying to make the relationship work if he is still searching for other living arrangements?
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I don't agree that jumping back into his bed is the way to show him how much you love him and want to save your marriage.
JMO
