Re:sad but not too sad Luv2drive85: ChrisM ...I lost alot of weight too....chest included. ofcourse the stbx noticed and just had to feel for himself....jerk!
Work was hard for me too, moreso b/c he'd call (and still does) but back then i was getting upset at work and I work in an open environment- there arent even dividers between our desk! thats how open...security people and cameras everywhere (total Big Brother)...and my teammates who are under me noticed...but wouldnt say anything. I got the weight comments too...Id just say yeah I lost a few, ya know, diet, stress. Totally bs my way thru.....but as soon as I took the ring off-4 months after I moved out- it was almost liberating. I didnt think Id feel that secure taking it off....but Im fine! I survived and you read my post above about a bigmouth asking 'where's your ring, girl?'
You have to force yourself to focus on work and keep yourself busy. Not too busy that you're avoiding your feelings but enough where you can get your mind off of it so that when you revisit those thoughts, you can think more clearly and maybe feel better. Make sense? For me I sometimes have to wallow in my own pity party and then one day or one minute I'll just snap out of it. Its not planned for me, just happens.
Good luck and keep in touch. Stay Strong! We're stronger than we think......
Not a bit sad! lucyloo: Love to Drive and ChrisM, SETH-
My husband practically never wore his ring the whole time were married. I don't think anyone even noticed. I wonder if he talks about me at work like I'm a fictitious person?
I just re read my initial post on this thread and MAN, that feels like it was AGES ago already.
I already just don't mention him anymore at all. I come up with other answers. Someone asks how we're doing and I just talk about my son, or some other aspect of my life that is married-neutral.
Actually, the divorce is at a stand still. I guess I don't see any real reason to go for it since it's not like I want to date, or remarry just yet.
I did want to file, like it was a race, to hurt his feelings- to make it ever so much more clear that I was DONE with him and his behavior!
Now, I do'nt care. I care less and less. He could serve me papers tomorrow and I"d just sign them and hand them back.
Or, if he doesn't, I'm not going to make the effort anymore.
It's not that I beleive I can salvage anything, or that I want him back.
I'm not even sure... if he's serious and does the work he needs to do, gives it 100 % and realizes it's a life long change and a process, I'm still not sure I want to be his wife who lives with him, cooks for him, sews, etc...
I think I'd rather be his friend. His best friend, or at least, like a sister, maybe- someone who really knows him, good and bad, and can appreciate him, but who isn't enmeshed with him, you know?
IN that sense, I could be his wife, and he could be my husband. But we'd need a lot of individual and personal freedom to have that much space. He would need to change a lot, and deal with the repercussions of the damange he's caused.
But, honestly, if he's willing, so am I.
I'm almost curious what we'll look like on the other side. Maybe unmarried close friends?
Maybe distant friends ineffably connected?
Maybe happily married? Maybe married but not living together?
Single, but dating eachother? For good? For a while?
Hmmm.
I just know I can't go back. I wouldn't want to. I need to start completely over. In fact, I I already am. And i'm still married.... on paper.
Lucy
Re:sad but not too sad Luv2drive85: Lucyloo...I have to agree with your last line:
"I just know I can't go back. I wouldn't want to. I need to start completely over. In fact, I I already am. And i'm still married.... on paper."
Oh, and my husband lost his ring! He works with his hands (I wont say doing what incase someone who knows me happens to read this site) and he barely wore it on holidays. One of those holidays he lost it! Oh well....must have been a sign. Honestly, it didnt bother me one bit. He'd hint at me getting him a new one and ya know what, I had no desire to. It happened in the beginning of 2003 too. Thats how long I've felt indifferent to him.
Re:sad but not too sad lucyloo: Hey Love to Drive,
I think I am only now becoming less attached. I am not sure that "indifferent" is the word for it tho. It feels more like healthy space and healthy expectations.
I feel humble and stable. I look back and think I was pretty manic in our marriage- always the egoist. So was he- always. Maybe still is all ego and no real substance.
I was really tired of his ego, still am. And it was impossible to get past it. I would like to know him for who he really is... if he can be there for any length of time. Ego has lost it's appeal for me. I always felt it was false bravery/bravado, psuedo confidence, but it was funny, and really, it seemed like he functioned OK even with an ego. I actually thought that if anyone could have an ego, it should be him because he IS good at everything.
NOw I know better. I must have had some sort of Rockstar thing going on with him- thinking he was Mike Patton or Jim Morrison or someone (in nurse form).
It seems I'm starting to maybe get to the real man beneath the image... I'm curious, but want to watch from the sidelines for now.
Maybe I am starting to become indifferent, but it feels more like I just have it going on in other areas of my life, and my feelings/relations with him are coming in last on my list of things to care about right now.
Is that indifference? Or is it sensible prioritizing? They say you need to do the things to take care of you first before you take care of anyone else. Right now I am all about work and getting an A in chemistry, and the rest can wait.
Hope that makes sense.
Lucy
Re:sad but not too sad incoherentlonghorn: Hey lucyloo,
Prioritizing *your* life whether by grades, finances, or opinions are a great idea. I was in college during our divorce and I frequently put the process on hold to take care of my over stimulated self and to make sure I got the grades I not only needed but wanted. I am glad that you are moving on with your life and trying to take care of yourself in the process.
I also feel like I really never knew my s2bx...seems par. Also, NO ONE is good at everything, that sounds familiar.
Hang in there,
LL
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