any healthy post-divorce relationships? overseas: I'm really new at the divorce idea (it's all still being worked out), but I'm hopeful I can maintain a healthy, normal relationship with my stbx. We simply tried everything and were not able to make our marriage work. We have been through counselling, near divorces, make-ups, near-cheats, cheats, long distance, fights, wonderful moments, many experiences.
We have been together for half our lives (14 years), but most of our married life (going on 5 years) has been what I saw another contributor dubbing a "therapy marriage!" But we did enough therapy to learn how to be civil to one another, and both of us are trying to end this the best way possible. We want the best for one another, and realize that we are not able to help the other be the best s/he can be. It's so sad and disappointing, but instead of trying umpteen million times at something that hasn't worked for the past 4 years, we are deciding to end it.
So I am wondering if any of you have advice or experiences about how to maintain a good relationship with the ex-spouse even after divorce. We're living far from one another right now (on separate continents), and I'm a little afraid that when we see each other again, we'll feel those loving feelings for one another again! I need to get over him but not be a jerk to him. How??? What is the balance??
Re:any healthy post-divorce relationships? JustMe: Overseas,
Having a post-divorce relationship is like putting ketchup back in the little packet. Not easy and sometimes messy.
I think the best balance is to have a post-divorce relationship where both of your needs are getting met if that's possible. Sometimes time does that job for you, sometimes you can go to a therapist and have chats with your stx about the post relationship to test the waters.
One question I have is, why do you think a post-divorce relationship would look like? A civil friendship? Why do you want it?
I'm not questioning your motives to criticize them, but asking you to look inside yourself and find out what's driving you. Sometimes you find something that may not be realistic.
Anyway, I'm new at this also, but good luck.
P.S. I don't know if I'm the contributor you mentioned, but I use the word "therapy marriage" for my own relationship A LOT. I believe a lot in therapy and it has turned things around when I literally had no hope. But I also that I only want it short-term, not as a way to cope with being in a marriage that may not work.
Re:any healthy post-divorce relationships? justmenow: I would call my relationship with my X "healthy", or at least as healthy as it can be. We don't hate each other, we are civil, we even go out here and there. I have mixed feelings about it - it's like seeing two different men in this one guy. I see the man I loved (and still do to some extent) and the man I hate (the one I divorced). It's conflicted and confusing, but healthy in that the animosity is gone and I can just be me without having to care if it makes him mad or not. If he doesn't like who I am, he's free to leave now. Nothing will ever be the same between us, so now it's more like a casual friendship.
Re:any healthy post-divorce relationships? in_search_of: My ex and I have a healthy post divorce relationship. We are still friends, talk occasionally, call to let the other know what is going on in our lives, and just generally get along. We make good friends, we make bad mates for one another. There is a difference between the two. Just because you can be friends does not mean that you should be married. My ex and I lived for a month together after the decisions was made, and we probably got along in that month better than we had in the year before. In fact, he is getting transferred to HI, and I will likely be visiting him there.
Re:any healthy post-divorce relationships? ChristyM: I have what I would deem a "healthy" relationship with the ex but others have found it to be odd. I had three months without contact and that allowed me to move on while we were waiting for the divorce to be finalized. I tried to limit contact after the divorce and set some stringent boundaries, but it's been hard for two reasons; 1) we have a daughter together and 2) he was my best friend.
He comes over and fixes things in my apartment, hangs out with our daughter, gets my car washed, and has even done my grocery shopping. The odd thing about it is we are both romantically interested in other people and don't hesitate to talk to each other about these third parties. We give each other advice and opinions. This is what others find somewhat unusual. I have to say I don't feel any twinge when he talks about the girl he's dating. I think maybe b/c those three months and then my own interest in someone else have allowed me to emotionally distance myself from him. I think sometimes he'd like to discuss trying to make something work, but to me that's not an option. I find myself only getting excited when I talk about this other person and not when I spend time or talk to the ex.
If you had asked me this question three months ago, I could never have conceived of the notion I would feel like this. I felt it was IMPOSSIBLE to have a good relationship with the ex but it has managed to happen. I think the pivotal point here is we are both moving on and I think pretty much in the same place with regards to our feelings about our marriage. If one of you feel differently it would make it difficult to have a healthy relationship. My ex and I are able to be honest with each other and we've talked openly about what we miss from the marriage, our regrets and how we both know we could never be married again.
Hope this helped.
Christy
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