Re:Why does my stbx do this??? justmenow: To offer a conflicting opinion here ...
I was reading a book about what causes relationships to break down, and one of the contributing factors is when the balance of the scales is tipped. For example, if an independent man marries an independent woman, then through the course of the years, either of them becomes dependent and the other one remains independent, that tipped scale can cause all kinds of problems. Put it in any situation. An independent man marries an independent woman who slowly comes into her own. Suddenly she's independent of him and he feels unwanted, unneeded, unloved and she no longer feels the security and attraction to him because she can provide that for herself. Now you have tipped scales and trouble.
Thought that was interesting, so I shared it.
Re:Why does my stbx do this??? ChristyM: I agree with JustMeNow. I married a man that was pretty dependent on me and I was the independent, controlling, self-sufficient other half. After 12 years of marriage, he started working out more and got into bodybuilding and I noticed his demeanor changing. He became more confident each day it seemed. While this was great and I never discouraged it, I think to him it was newfound freedom and the possibilities were endless. He ended up cheating and then leaving so I do agree with the assertion that personality scales exist that can be tipped to cause the marriage to fall out of sync.
Christy
Re:Why does my stbx do this??? Luv2drive85: Whoa, ChristiM and Justmenow...I think I can relate to your examples....we both seemed pretty independent when we met, he became dependent on me in certain ways thru-out the relationship and as I grew and became more independent, he couldnt handle it. He became more clingy and possessive and I pulled away more as a result of feeling smothered. Then after getting hurt emotionally too many times to count, I put up a wall to protect myself, trying my damnest not to let anything penetrate it (hard to do at times but succeeded for the most part). Im so tired of keeping that wall up, its almost mentally draining sometimes. I just want to let my guard down and get that warm, fuzzy protected feeling. But then I think-no! I cant do that and make myself vulnerable to more hurt out there....crazy right? uy......
Question for Just Me lucyloo: Hey Just Me-
Congrats, by the way, on dropping the corporate slog bit to become an entrepreneur, and author! I bet that is so much more rewarding, personally, at least.
Life is one big adventure, huh?
About changing personal relationships, or changing when yo'ure in a personal relationship- it's true it is harder. Much harder because the spouse is counting on your for certain things, to be a certain way, and there's fear that if you change, they won't love you anymore.
Wow. That's a WHOPPER right there!
We all need the freedom to grow and change, and being in a relationship can make us feel like that's been stifled.
NO wonder she's changed so fast, and seems so wholly different already.
It all makes sense, doesn't it?
And if you were changing a lot throughout the relationship, maybe she thought she needed to be stable, the anchor...?
Just a thought.
Lucy
Re:Why does my stbx do this??? Metis: Just Me,
Hello, you were asking how I came to my conclusions that she felt free now, and so on.
I don't know!!
I will say that like many people on this board, I am reading Stop Your Divorce! by Homer (dang, what IS his last name--there's a link on the upper right of the Home page). I don't know that it will stop my divorce, but the man does have a good knowledge of what makes people feel they are backed against a wall and how they act when they are.
I thought the book was a bit expensive, but then it is only about as much as my therapy session and every bit as helpful. ::)
Good luck!!!
Metis
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