Re:Why does my stbx do this??? incoherentlonghorn: Hey JM,
It is highly unlikely that without intense therapy and strenuous effort that your s2bx has in fact changed for the long term. Especially without reading or joint/inididual/both couseling.
My s2bx was an abuse nasty man one week out of three months and then he was an angel trying to clean house from the prior explosion.
Mean people suck!
Hang in there,
LL
Re:Why does my stbx do this??? JustMe: Yeah, alot of the "it takes alot for people to change" is sinking in.
Someone said, even with a willing spirit, that person has to unlearn some things first, then relearn other things.
Unfortunately, as I've said before, I don't want a therapy marriage.
And if she "slips", the way that she slips is simply unacceptable (abusive).
Thanks All
Re:Why does my stbx do this??? JustMe: [quote author=Metis link=board=20;threadid=3029;start=0#msg24546 date=1085403467">
Wow.
Maybe she finally feels either free or triumphant.
She can relax now that she's hurt you as much as she thinks she can?
Or she can relax now that she's got what she wants?
I don't know. And as reasonable as she appears to be, i'd bet my early morning coffee money that if you ask her, she won't tell you!
[/quote">
Metis, in a weird way. everythng you said seems to make sense based on what I've seen. How did you come to these insights?
changability lucyloo: Hey there-
I know that I change quite rapidly. When I want to (which is often when i'm tired of something,) I have no problem getting rid of something and changing it. I used to be shy... I got tired of being shy, and one day, I started to speak out loud- I didn't care what the consequences were. I was sick of being shy, and nothing/no one was going to stop me from becoming unshy.
I used to be lazy, too, and same thing. I got bored with it. It ran it's course, and like last year's open can of tuna, I dropped it in the trash and started being motivated.
I used to smoke, and little by little I started seeing bits of ash all over my dashboard, on my clothes, like dandruff, and smell it on my fingers, no matter how clean. One day, litterally, I looked at my pck of cigarettes to go smoke them, took one out, thought about the mess, the stink, etc, and put it back in. I thought "I don't want to do this anymore" and like that, I was done.
I never looked back. I didn't even have withdrawl symptoms! Lucky me!
When I was pregnant, I was so big and huge towards the end, and really really anxious about meeting the baby. My labor was an hour and a half. Like that *snap* I changed.
I got a degree in art as an undergrad. I was good at it. 10 years later, I got an MBA--graduated with straight A's. I was a financial consultant and loved my job, now I'm in nursing and love it even more.
I used to take what my husband dished out to me, but the last time I saw him, I fought him back because I had HAD it!
The thing about change is that most people adhere to old things. There's something we do as people that is a mistake, we would rather do what we know, even if it's not working, than take the risk of learning something new, even if it means doing something better. The learning curve is scary. We dislike being "new" at things, and a lot of times forget it's a process.
So, I think your wife proably is releived- if she was feeling conflicted before, having a firmer standing is a blessing. Feeling conflicted can be a major stressor for some people, and unfortunately, without the right tools, they don't handle the stress well.
I guess what she needs to figure out is: What was causing the stress?
Did she get married too soon?
Did her parents have an awful marriage?
What is she prgrammed for? I mean, at her base, at ground zero, how does she feel about marriage? About men? About herself? ABout Love? About relationships? About wives?
Does she see herself as someone who can be in a life long commitment?
How does she feel about her life?
There's a lot of unspoken or even unacknowledged assumptions we all have about life, and there's nothing like being close to another person to show us what we beleive, or fear.
For instance, if her mom and dad were verbaly abusive to one another, or played lots of manipulation games, she might fear/beleive (core) that marriage is a competition to hurt or be hurt, but in the meanwhile on a surface level, beleive that marriage is something she wants. The incongruecy between her beleifs, well, you can see how a person can be so conflicted and not even realize it. And if she does beleive it's a competition to hurt or be hurt, she's going to see things in the relationship that will back that idea up.
This is probably too psychoanalytical and I should shut up...I am not saying you should remain married to her, but I think if she's being nice, feeling mellow, well, is there anything wrong with just appreciating that?
My husband was abusive as well, and a woman at the abused spouse group I go to says she started to think of her husband as a cartoon character to help her deal with him. AS a result, she can't take him seriously at all any more, and has completely lost any good feeling she ever had for him.
I want to remember the good things about my husband and validate my love for him. The fact that he abused me are things he did that I can't live with. They don't define who he is.
I hope that makes sense.
Lucy
Re:changability JustMe: Hey Lucyloo,
I connect with alot of things you're saying. I, too, see myself as someone who can make changes more quickly than the average person. I point to focusing my part of my career on being a good corporate solider, and after being laid off, starting and selling two of my own businesses - one to a international consutling firm whose stock trades on the NYSE. No one in my extended family has any entrepreneurial experience. I had to unlearn my "good corporate solider" and then adopt an entirely new identity as an entrepenuer. I later went on to publish 4 books. It was another shift to move from that to an author.
Of course, changes can be waaaay more difficult in a personal relationships.
You're questions are very sound. I would agree that she probably has a radically different "view" of what a marriage is all about. The roles, attitude, and feelings towards a life-time relationship clashed on many levels.
She has said, at times, people marry someone else to make that person miserable. How's that for having your work cut out for you when that person doesn't want to go to therapy to understand our differences?
Click More for the next page.
