long, but I need to vent! 1 Katie Wesley: Thanks so much, you guys. I'm glad to have found this site. Though I don't have that marriage license, I really respect the added difficulty of legalities that you have to go through. Thank God that I didn't make it that far.
I tell myself all the time that everything happens for a reason. I really do believe that, but sometimes it doesn't provide quite enough comfort.
As far as my friends go, my situation was clarified just a few minutes ago.
First, let me tell you that the beeotch is not in my original group of friends. I met her, bonded with her and introduced her to everyone else (including my fiance). For 4 years, I have gone well beyond the call of duty as a friend. She's had a really rough life (her mother's an addict, she was sexually molested by her grandfather and seriously physically abused by her grandmother. her dad abandoned her for the first 15 years of her life, and her stepmother's parents still don't know she exists -dad wouldn't tell them b/c they're catholic. her dad makes over a million per year, yet she has had to work her way through college. let's see, what else? oh, yea she was in a car accident a few years back that shattered her left arm and left her in the hospital for 2 months. oh, and she has a non-malignant brain tumor). Anyway, I've taken care of her like she was my daughter. We called eachother sisters, but I cooked for her, I took care of her when she was sick, I welcomed her into my family for holidays, lent her money, cleaned for her, -I did everything for her. She did things for me, too, but not like I cared for her. -Think I've gone off on a tangent. Let me get back to the subject of my friends' behaviors. (continued in part 2)
Re:long, but I need to vent! 2 Katie Wesley: I have several close friends (pretty much the same 5 since highschool -I never moved away from the T-town drama fest). One from the group I've been like sisters with since we were 2. Another, we'll call her "the instigator," I've been close with since I was 7. Man, she is such a let down.
I've known for years that "the instigator" seems to cause waves of trouble wherever she treads. Still, I thought for some stupid reason that she would fully support me and choose not to associate with the betrayers (I know, I'm dramatic). No. She's so self-centered it kills me. She has no ability to empathize with others, and she constantly shifts blame to anyone near.
See, I told everyone that I wasn't asking anyone to choose sides or to not be laurabeeatch's friend. My oldest friend immediately severed her ties, and 2 others followed suite soon after. Unfortunately, she's living with another friend of mine (civility is completely understandable in this situation). Then, "the instigator" decided to come to town for a visit. I found out from overhearing a conversation that "ti" had gone out with laura on Saturday night. I had already swallowed my problem with "ti" having beeotch spend the night with her when beeotch was on a business trip in the town where "ti" lives.
Okay, I've got to start nutshelling this is ridiculously long. Anyway, this old friend of mine comes into town and suddenly I'm starting to feel like I'm right back at the beginning of the train wreck. I know that I didn't ask anyone to choose sides, but after a long think I realize why this upset me so much. Besides the fact that I don't think it's right that the 2 lovebirds get to have eachother and still keep MY friends, I came to the conclusion that I have to be really careful about who I choose to befriend. I CANNOT and WILL NOT remain in any friendship unless I feel an absolute trust.
Last night, I was at the instigator's in town condo when I overheard about Saturday night. I totally lost my sh*t. I started yelling and telling her to shutup with every excuse she was giving me. I stormed out, and today I learned that she and her fiance (who is also a good friend of mine seperately from the instigator) want an apology for my rude outburst. So, I apologized for my outburst but continued to stand my ground about my right to feel hurt.
They don't understand why hanging out with the couple condones the betrayal. They say they tell the couple that they don't agree with what they've done, but that's as far as they go. They feel like it isn't their responsibility to show with actions how much they disapprove. Instead they welcome the couple into their lives.
This crap makes me think I'm in highschool again. Ten years hasn't changed the instigator at all. Of course, she says that other friends of mine were their, too. Why does she take all the responsibility. She also says that I'm the one acting like I'm a teenager by expecting her to sever her ties with the m*f*ckers.
I expect different behavior from different people. Some of my friends have been closer to the beeotch than with me the past couple of years. Still, I haven't had to deal with this at all from other people until Ms. instigator comes to town. She is my second oldest friend, and she claims to think of me as a sister. Is it not too much to expect her to turn a cold shoulder to laura or my ex? Why doesn't she see how much pain I'm in instead of demanding a regurgitated apology for my behavior last night.
After talking with several other friends I have come to realize that she won't see things from my perspective because she is soooo self-centered. I have to be self-centered right now, but she's created a whole new realm of problems with her selfishness -and she's only been in town for 4 days!
Losing friends sucks. At least I know where people stand, now. I hate the happy couple for screwing so much up. They couldn't stop with themselves -they had to take away part of MY original support system. The instigator blames me for the whole argument. Why don't people see that it's Laura and Shannon's fault?
Is my point of view skewed here? Right now, I can't tell up from down. If you made it this far through the email, will you give me some input? ???
Re:long, but I need to vent! 1 picadilly: don't worry about the length, sometimes, our vents take alot of space. :)
I know how you feel, I've lost a couple friends too, to my stbx. I have known them since highschool but they were always closer to her then to me as time went on. Haven't seen them since & I can't really blame them completely as I have stopped calling them too. Difficult for me to see them knowing that they see my stbx all the time, just scared they may give me updates on how "well" she maybe doing... or telling her how I'm doing. Is this petty on my part, maybe.
In your case, I think your "friends" should sever ties, if they continue seeing them together, they're condoning the actions. Also, some people would think that if it could happen once, it could happen twice. She may go after someone elses fiancee/husband.
I think in your situation, they should understand why you "blew up", if they don't, I'd be hard pressed to call them friends. But as I said before, they will never truly understand what your going through till they go through it.
Peace & love to you.
Re:long, but I need to vent! 1 justmenow: Friends are weird in these situations. Over the last year, I've had friends that were just in the background before, really step up to the plate and support me. On the flipside, I've had close friends nearly disappear on me. It's funny how this "divorce" thing can really shake up your world. What's even better is that my best friend in the whole world (roommate in college, godmother to my daughter, maid of honor at my wedding, etc...) is the s!utwh*ore who slept with my ex husband, but only after sleeping with her brother-in-law first. Yeah, she's divorced and alone with an illegitimate child now (belonging to a different guy than her brother-in-law and my X). Yeah, she's a real piece of @ss, isn't she? What goes around comes around - or is it what sleeps around...? haha
Keep an open mind. There's nothing wrong with making new friends, especially if you find out the old ones weren't worth having.
Re:long, but I need to vent! 1 Katie Wesley: Thanks, Picadilly. I reread it and started to think that I'm not being adult about it. I'm thankful that we didn't have children. After reading some of the other messages from those who do, I realize that having children raises the crisis level.
My problems sound silly contrasted to divorced parents'. Still, everybody has their own problems and I have to keep in mind that as petty as I may feel about complaining, my problems are serious to me.
