please need her back ksguy28: :'( ok, I am at my witts end, need help really bad, I have lost my sole mate to my contiously walking away from arguements, by me having up and down days with my atitude and she could not take it any more. She came home one day and said that it would be best if we got a divorce, it would benefit both of us, since then ( I am 28) I have moved in with my parents, she lives with her parents now 3 blocks away, she said that for a year now (married 2 years in June 04) she has lost feelings, such as intimate feelings and the wantingness for me that she had when we first met. I am not eating, I am sick all the time, nightmares have started to haunt my sleep, I want her back so bad that I am making her hate me now. I have found my self crying for hours upon hours until I get sick, I say rude things to her, I have told her mean things like the other day she told me that she felt used cause I was still on her insurance but I wanted her off my checking account, she has her own checking account but I still had our checking account which at that point I did not think it was fair that I was paying all the bills and not having any money to do anything but she could go out and buy new shoes or get her hair done but that is besides the point, I told here that if she feels used then how do you think having a false love for a year feels like. My parents think I am crazy for wanting her back, I would drop everything for her if she needed just the slightest thing, but I have noticed that I was not getting the same feed back from her.... What do I Do.... How do I move on when my heart wants her back and my body aches to hold her and smell her hair as we lay down together. What was it that I did so wrong a year ago when I put a ring on her finger to make her this way.................
Re:please need her back JustMe: ksguy28
It's not easy man and I feel your pain. Don't be so hard on yourself. Frankly, both of you got things they are and both of you can get things back on track.
It sounds like both of you aren't getting important needs met and that's an important topic for both of you to talk about. I'm no Dr. (so that's my disclaimer) but I do know that misunderstandings ruin A LOT of relationships.
You might want to say something like, "I have been a big chicken in not telling you how I feel and in what I need. Now, you might not be least be interested in what I have to say, and that's OK. But all I'm asking for you to be a willing spirit and hear me out." Then if she seems receptive, tell her how you feel, how you've contributed to the relationship's problems, what your needs are, and most importantly, how your plan needs her so much to make it work.
That's a tiny bit of stuff from Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue which, although my marriage isn't going to make it, it helped me and my stbx-wife tremendously in understanding why weren't going to make it. If you're into books, there are more great books in another forum here.
If you're into talking to other people, your parents, friends, therapist, minister, etc are all great sources to ask for their perspective.
Ultimately, it's your decision to make.
You alone get the most rewards and most pain from your marriage.
Re:please need her back ksguy28: Justme....
Thank you for the advice but I think that I have already crushed what hopes I have had, earlier before I found this website, I sent her an email letting her know exactly how I feel and I have done that already too, my response from her is "I do not know what to say" where do I go what can I do, do I just let it go, do I not try to mend my heart back with hers if she is not willing to change or try counseling cause (sorry for the mispelled words I am crying alot right now as I type) we have tried I mean right when we got married, she never really commited to working on anything about her it was all my fault that I was making her this way, the couseler told her that we needed a divorce but I talked my way back into her life and now look at me lost like a puppy left on the side of the road. Here is something else, I was in the Navy for 5 years stationed in Japan, never once had sex nor dated anyone, though I wanted too, but never did, in Jan 00 I get off the plane back in my hometown and I meet Kellie two days after... We have been together ever since, I was like a born again virgin, she is my true love and soul mate, I just wish I could have her see this.......
Re:please need her back JustMe: Ks...
So is she committed to anything that would move the marriage forward? If she's not into counseling, is she mentioning other things she think will work?
If she's not into making the marriage work, then what does she want to do? If she's done her soul-searching and divorce comes easily to her lips (or e-mails), then it's hard to turn things around solo.
Perhaps in that case you can give her time and space while telling her how you feel. Usually in person is the best.
For yourself, the only advice is to take care of yourself so you can think about what to do next. Helps to have people around you that will make that caring for yourself easier.
Keep in mind eating, sleeping, normal emotions - IT ALL GOES OUT THE WINDOW FOR MOST PEOPLE.
I also hear a lot of "this is my fault" stuff in your posts. What's that all about?
Re:please need her back ksguy28: that is all I hear "its all my fault" from her. I made her feelings fade... this is all my fault, I mean I did this to myself, when we were dating I cheated on her with a younger woman but it wasnt sexual, just a kiss and one date, she has never let me forget it either, I also have lied about stupid stuff, like using a credit card to look at porn, I know lieing will do this to a relationship, but I have learned from my mistakes but everytime we argue it always gets trown into my face, so to answer your question this is all my fault.
Yes divorce does come easy to her lips, but I have not made it easy for her though, I have done everything I told my self I wouldnt do, I feel right into the divorce steps of emotional break down, when this happened I was telling her how much I love her and how much I can change, telling her that I cannot live with out her, then the next step is anger and depression, I started making her hate me by saying bad things like "you never really cared for me" she says she will always love me and I would say you never loved me. now I am in the state of self doubt and worthlessness. I told myself that I would be laright thru this, boy was I wrong, I never thought I would break down and do the things I have done instead of just letting her go for a while, I keep threating that I am going to have all the divorce papers done asap, she keeps telling me no we can take our time with it... Well if she doesnt want this done and over what does that mean then. What do I have to do to get her to realize that I am so lost without her. and when I do mention these things to her in person, she just tells me to be strong and that who knows might happen, but she has made it so clear that we are never going to be together again as husband and wife she would just rather be friends and I cant do this...... everytime I see her I make her uncomfortable by getting close to her, or saying I love you or doing stupid things like kiss her......
Click More for the next page.
