Re:Fatal flaw? overseas: our fatal flaw was we had dramatically different ideas of what kind of effort a relationship entailed. That's funny, because we dated 7 years before getting married and STILL were blind to the obvious discrepancies in perception of relationships! I wanted an intensive relationship, where we shared most interests, activities, i.e. LOTS of shared time and adventures. He just wanted someone he knew would be there most evenings to eat dinner, watch TV and go to bed with. He made very little effort to share any of my interests...he only cared about his own sports, friends, and hobbies. That frustrated the heck out of me, so I'd bug him constantly to do stuff with me, which irritated him, and we'd fight. Eventually, I kind of gave up and we led parallel lives, where I had my own friends, sports, hobbies, church, activities...and he had his....not my idea of a relationship. So I am the one primarily behind ending the marriage. It still hurts and I STILL wish and HOPE he would change (along the lines of what many others have mentioned here). I'm trying not to fall once again for that one!
Re:Fatal flaw? Luv2drive85: i"> "A man will marry a woman thinking she will never change. A woman will marry a man thinking she can change him"
the first part of that quote definitely applies to my situation. When we met I was 19, he was 27 and divorced. Everything was pretty much fine except his possessiveness when I'd want to go out-which was maybe 2x's a year! Anyway, before I started working in the city is when things took a dip. I started discovering what I wanted in the bedroom from him-he's the only guy I ever slept with. I wanted a little more romance as opposed to his 'wanna have sex?' blunt tactics, same position every time, boringness. So I bring up missionary position (I hope Im not getting too personal but you'll understand why...) and the fact that I'd like to have more of it (we RARELY did it that way) and ya know what he says..."thats the gay way, we have plenty of time when we're old and cant move to do it that way" WHAT???????????? so INCONSIDERATE of my feelings and needs. He was so selfish about his needs....it went sour from there. After I took a job in the city, he took out his anger on me verbally and with mind games. ugh! So in summary, as I grew as a person, he didnt grow. He stayed with his old man, boring, routine ways and his obsessive-compulsive behaviors. So we grew apart....and now I want out. and NOW he is willing to change. He "understands" now, wants to do all the things Ive been asking to do with him, experience together...etc, etc. Too little too late buddy.
Re:Fatal flaw? JustMe: I think more that there are fatal flaws in a relationships vs people.
I see couples that call each other every name in the book and are happy as clams since, well that works for them. Not for me though.
So the fatal flaw between me and stbx is her not being able to manage her anger and scorning people who are hurt in front of her (i.e. I spit on weak people)
My fatal flaw is being able to manage my own anger well, but I wear my heart on my sleeve at times and am not afraid to show that I hurt.
See a problem? ;)
Re:Fatal flaw? Sman: I can tell you exactly what I did. I failed to tend to the little things and only looked at the big picture hoping everything would just work out. I didn't open up to her. I held my feelings in, I didn't talk to her. I lost contact with all my friends and didn't make new friends, making her my only friend. I didn't take respoonsibility for my career and let that fall. Now I am taking responsibility for myself, for my career. I am now talking more to her and opening up with my feelings to her. I have been doing this for over 4 months now and feel alot better about myself. She to has seen much improvement and keeps telling me to water those "seeds" and to continue to work and to improve, but not for her, but for me, and I agree with her. Once I am happy I do believe all things will fall into place for me. I once was very happy with me, but somehow lost that these past 2 years. I am now fighting to get that back and I am succeeding, slowly but succeeding.
Re:Fatal flaw? janee: The one fatal flaw that stands out is my stbx's alcoholism. Before I married him, my friends kept telling me he's an alcoholic, etc. I was in denial, refused to acknowledge his drinking problem. Since ending this marriage, I realized his attitude and the way he went about with everything ie: always blaming people, never his fault, went hand in hand. Both of his parents were dysfunctional-alcoholic dad, co-dependent mom. And his grandmother, aunt were also alcoholics. His sister was schizophrenic and depression ran in the family. I realize, people can't choose their families, but he was always enabling their behavior. And he refused to acknowledge he was alcoholic. We also went into debt because he was always spending money at the bars. And giving his alcoholic friends money, without my knowledge. Of course blamed spending money on me ie: well you wanted to go on vacation. Found out years later. And he always kept secrets from me. Ie: when deleting my old files from his computers, accidentally came across pornographic files. Enough said. When he moved out of state, leaving me behind, I had a feeling the marriage would fall apart. To this day, he claims it was to find work and start a new life for us, but what husband leaves their wife behind, holding the bag? For over two months.
Click More for the next page.
