He Should Have Been Me brokenbaby: S.
I cannot tell you this. I cannot call you or e-mail. So I'll write it here. My friend, instructor and mentor killed himself last week. He sat alone in a cold motel room unable to go home because his wife wouldn't let him. No comforting sights nearby as he took his last breath. He was only 39. Nine years older then me.
I am having the most difficult time with this. I am angry that he left in this way. I am sad for his soul and for the life he spent on Earth. I am heartbroken because I will never get to see my friend again. And I am jealous. I wish he were me. I wish I no longer had to suffer through the pains of this. The pains of you leaving me behind as though I was nothing but a used napkin at a dinner table. God I can't help but think he is the lucky one. His pain is gone, the depression, the low self-esteem, the heartbreak, the anger, the thoughts of dreading having to face another day.
You also don't know that I stay up all night. Sometimes all day as well. I hate sleep. I cannot take the dreams. The dreams of you. Of me asking you to come back, to re-think, to try to make it work, to do any of the things we didn't try. Go to counselling, not live with a roommate, (how could we be married with a roommate for all these years! Why wouldn't you move when I asked you to so many times!). You just did the same thing each time you came back like it would be different this time. Were you afraid of what the therapist might say about you? About your actions?
I hate the fact that you are with someone else, it makes me angry and nauseated and it just crushes my soul. I cannot stand this and these feelings pull me so close to the edge. I want to scream and destroy things. I want to destroy you some days.
Most of all right now I just wish I was M. I wish he were me.
Why must you treat me like I am something that happened to you?
Re: He Should Have Been Me sheydp: Sweetheart... this scares me. This is a not-at-all-well-hidden death wish. I will be blunt, you scare me that you are suicidal. There is no one on this earth worth losing your life and light over. You are a wonderful person, I know - because my friend loves you dearly... and that is beyond the wonderful you I see on this board. You were an excellent friend to her, and for that you have my love.
Please, please get help - both for the thoughts, and for the sleep. Everything is worse with no sleep, I know. You are too precious to lose more of your life to this overwhelming sadness - particularly over something that wasn't that perfect to begin with! You are worth so much more - even if you don't believe it at this moment. Don't let his selfish blindness rule your feelings of self-worth. Please, please get help.
((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
Shey
Re: He Should Have Been Me Goddess: I have to say listen to the wise Shey here.. Remember what I said on goosetape.. Dont let anyone steal your soul.. He is not worth it.. I know that you are at your lowest of lows right now.. You saw what goose went through and all of my other friends when I did what I did in may. You're friend was selfish.. period. I am not speaking ill of the dead.. but ...look at the pain that is left behind? You are going to move through this if we all have to push you.. You are going to get over this hurdle.. I know it hurts like hell honey.. you know that I do! I will do whatever I can to help.. Please though.. get help for your sleep.. get help for the depression.. Check yourself in if you have too.. but get off this train of self destruction. You are far to wonderful and beautiful V. You reached out to me at an awful time in my life without even knowing me.. Do you know how much that touched me? Okay I should have typed this in a PM but I just had to say something.
Listen to Shey.. Listen to Me.. Listen to all those that Love you.. You will get past this and we will help.. ok? Come down and stay here with me and my heathens.. Sam is bound to cheer anyone up!
I love you sweetie.. Call me okay?
Re: He Should Have Been Me snkpack: I don't know you, but I care about you. It makes me nervous to hear you talk this way. I know that you're a good person and you may not think much would change if you were gone, but I know my life would be changed. You've helped a lot of people BB get through some tough times, myself included. Don't fool yourself into believing that you don't make this world a better place, because for me its been better since you came into my life through ojar.
Re: He Should Have Been Me NO DATE: you know I thought the same thing, you have a lot to live for!! people love you think of them not the people who have hurt you. I was never good at giving advise in these situations but from what I've read on here you seem like a very smart and loving person don't throw it away! the world needs people like you, people like me need people like you!! please do get into counseling [not trying to be contrite"> I care ! as does everyone else on here!> :)
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