Do children heal? cheatedonagain: My 8 year old son is ANGRY and SAD that his father left and lives with the OW and her children. He feels like he was replaced. Even though he goes to a psychologist to talk about everything and knows his dad loves him he still feels like his dad left him. I know how he feels since he did physically leave....and I am sick of hearing his dad say "I left you not him".....he thinks our son will get over the hurt one day but I really don't see that happening. I don't think their relationship will ever be the same. Anyone else been through this with their child?
Re: Do children heal? Freckles: [quote author=cheatedonagain link=topic=30551.msg303381#msg303381 date=1151089102">
My 8 year old son is ANGRY and SAD that his father left and lives with the OW and her children. He feels like he was replaced. Even though he goes to a psychologist to talk about everything and knows his dad loves him he still feels like his dad left him. I know how he feels since he did physically leave....and I am sick of hearing his dad say "I left you not him".....he thinks our son will get over the hurt one day but I really don't see that happening. I don't think their relationship will ever be the same. Anyone else been through this with their child?
[/quote">
Your EX is Wrong.
The Pain may Fade but Your Son will Never Forget what happened as long as he lives.
My Dad left my Mom when I was 10 or 11
I am 45 I have not Forgot.
(My 3 Sisters have Not Forgot)
When I am 99 years Old , I will STILL Rember That.
In Time it will Fade but it will NEVER be forgot that His Father Hurt YOU His Mom and Him(His Son)
AND The ONLY Thing His Fater can Do to Right this is DUMP his Current honey and Go back to You.
(Short of that , Nothing No Counseler can Change that)
Re: Do children heal? cheatedonagain: Thanks Freckles.
Thats what I thought also but since my parents are still together I haven't been through this and do not know how my son really feels. My ex has been through this with his parents and he says "I am fine so T will be fine too".....but he also asked my sons psychologist why T is having such a hard time dealing with this b/c when his parents split up he didn't care. I think he is mental. Obviously he isn't fine or he wouldn't have put his family through what he went through as a child!
Re: Do children heal? Chris: i think it's possible for children to heal. of course they will not forget the leaving, they will be more accepting of the situation. i think that as the parents heal the relationship (or what's left of it) , so will the kids. i guess it all depends on the age of the children. my daughter was 4 and she was very distraught over the situation, a lot of crying, resentment and sadness. she questioned me and her mother about what happened and we stayed positive with her so that she didn't feel it was because of her.
now she talks about her mommy and i, but references to times before the divorce and never the divorce itself. her mother is remarried and i believe that stable atmosphere has eased my daughter's anxiety over the divorce. children are very perceptive and feed off their parents emotions. it's a difficult time and hopefully as the parents' relationship grows into one of friendship/co-parenting, the child will heal and be more positive and have less resentment toward the situation.
Re: Do children heal? sheydp: Children DO heal. My parents split, and I thought it should have happened MUCH sooner. I think if your son feels he is replaced, it has more to do with how your ex (and maybe you?) talk about it to him. Kids will be hurt, and will take on themselves as much as possible (adults do this too) but if both parents allow them to talk it out and are super supportive and attentive to the child's needs, it DOES get better.
My middle child misses her daddy more than the other two. We both allow her to express that, and encourage special time for the two of them when she does. We have made it VERY clear that he didn't "leave us" but that he and I couldn't make it work. That we both love and want them, and that nothing could replace that love. Now... if your ex doesn't take the time to give quality attention (not spoiling - that actually makes them feel LESS secure) THAT probably has more to do with the abandonned feelings. Heck - kids feel abandonned when the parent is IN the home, too! (Unfortunately, mine did for a bit due to my over-computer-use for awhile when I was most hurting.)
Maybe instead of blaming him leaving, you two could talk to your son both together and apart to find out what parts of his dad's time or attention he could have to reassure himself... "dad USED to play games with me, now he only has time for HER" - listen to the first part, even though your heart wants to latch on to the second as justification for the anger and pain. Set up times for him and dad to play games... "dad USED to read me stories, now he doesn't live here anymore" - have dad and him with each their own copy, and he can turn pages while Dad reads over the phone... See what I mean? Find ways to encourage him to feel involved with his Dad, so he can see that it ISN'T that Dad left him... and look inside YOURSELF - and make sure you aren't encouraging that feeling subconsciously, because you feel it (heck - I feel it myself sometimes - how could he leave those beautiful girls - not want to spend every moment with them???) I know you are a good mom who would never ACTIVELY encourage any anger... but it IS in you, and you might be cuing things subconsciously (like a jaw clenching when the OW is mentioned, etc...) to encourage his anger at Dad... It would be NORMAL if you were, but maybe that is one way to help?
I am not saying this to slam you - AT ALL... I just know that the children are your priority, and you would do anything to help them!!!
Shey
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