I miss her so much! seth: In my first posting, I think I came off like a jerk and no one replied so I'll try again.
She and I never actually married but we cohabited for more than six years and had an eight-year friendship--we first met nine years ago and she left me eight weeks after she turned 30.
She's a beautiful woman and I lusted after her but honestly I thought she was my soulmate and loved her unconditionally. I wish I could go back in time and fix things because she has left for good with no hope for reconciliation.
I wish that I hadn't been smoking pot for the past year (I've since quite cold turkey) and had done more to get her to stay but we were both busy--I was working and going to grad. school on weekends and she was in her first year of teaching after finishing grad. school. Now, it seems she's used me for financial support during school (goodbye ten grand!) and has other plans for her future.
I miss her so much and I wish I could change things. I wasnt' that bad.... So I smoked pot. I thought I was giving her space to do all of the things she wanted to do: yoga, hanging out w/ her spinster girlfriends, volunteering in the community. Then she has the nerve to say I never wanted to do anything w/ her. Actually, I was trying to be supportive and really looked forward to her coming home every night.
I miss her so much. It's hard to accept the fact that she's not the person I thought she was. It's very hard to accept the fact that we were once the best of friends, always on each other's side (I once went to a bar to settle a score w/ a couple of guys who were bothering her, and got into some legal trouble)... And now she doesn't even give a sh-t about me, not at all. That hurts most of all.
She never wants to see me for the rest of her life. I'm so shocked. Now, it's been seven weeks but I'm still depressed. I'm working to improve myself and I'm moving fast but they say this kind of thing takes a year or two to get over...
I think about her all of the time.
Re:I miss her so much! overseas: The best thing you can do at this point is try to learn as much as you can, become a better person, and not repeat your mistakes. From your posting, it looks like you are making an effort at that.
She may have been sending you warning signals that you didn't pick up on, then at one point she decided enough was enough and went out. I'm just guessing.
Your story reminds me a bit of mine, except I'm coming at it from the other side! I got really tired of my husband's pot smoking, aloofness, lack of effort. But just to cut communication and move on like that is really unimaginable!
I hope you have friends and family who can support you. Remember, God is there and can comfort you!
Re:I miss her so much! justmenow: Well, the simple fact that you refer to the people who were important to her as her "spinster girlfriends" is a bit confrontational I think. These were her friends - did you respect that? What if she referred to your friends in a similar manner?
I don't know your situation, but with women, a lot of little things add up to big things. It could have been a combination of issues. Did you ever tell her that you looked forward to having her come home? With women, a little goes a long way.
No use looking back now - you need to move forward and fix your perceived problems for you, because YOU want to. Don't do it for her because you will get no satisfaction from that. Only resentment.
Sorry no one responded to you before - nothing personal. Sometimes posts just get lost.
Re:I miss her so much! seth: Thanks much for responding. Yes, she did leave without giving me warning or any chance for couples therapy--I would have done anything to work it out...
Yes, I was very affectionate and always told her how I felt--that I loved her and looked forward to her coming home. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving her space to hang out with her "spinster friends"--yes, that's a controversial label but it's very true because I'd have rather hung out w/ some more couples that we could relate to... Not that I wasn't as nice as possible to her friends--I liked to be included...
Okay, I smoked pot every day for seven months but at the same time I was working full-time to support both of us and going to graduate school on weekends. I should write a book on how to get dumped: (1) get a Masters degree, (2) get a better paying job.
But I'm off the pot now and I AM doing the things I should have done before--for me. That's good advice. In fact, that's just what SHE said as she walked out the door. "You need to do that for YOU," she said.
Still, I got to think her clinical depression and three antidepressants had something to do w/ it--she dumped me every spring for six years like clockwork. I remember she dumped my best friend for me six years ago--that was in the springtime too. It's like she's animal or something...
Thanks for the advice. I wish she'd have given me a second chance because it's not like I'm not willing to work hard and do what it takes to make things work out--we're not all perfect and things don't happen immediately.
But yeah, I'm trying to improve now for myself. Thanks! But God I miss that woman... I really pictured grandchildren w/ her and me being the "stupid" hapless husband... I regret everything I did (or did not do) to contribute to the demise of our relationship--but she's the one who left...
On the positive side, I used to be a very angry man. Always afraid that my beautiful woman and best friend would leave me, like she threatened every spring... I used to take that anger out on other drivers, anybody really. Now, I feel humbled and I'm trying to be nice to people and I'm truly amazed at the small acts of kindness other people have been showing me. I feel like I've aged ten years in the past two months... in a good way...
Re:I miss her so much! seth: Oh, one more thing. The warning signs you mentioned. She said as she left that "all the warning signs were there." She said it in a really exasperated tone like I was some kind of an idiot. I thought, "what am I, a psychic." I was frustrated that she talked to her "spinster" girlfriends but never discussed this with me. I mean she mentioned stuff, but she never gave me an ultimatum.
I was shocked--would have done anything... That's the difference between men and women--my mother told me that much...
Thanks,
