Please help me get thru this night Roseville: I know that some of you know my story (married 10 years, together 15, 2 small children) Husband all of a sudden sprang it on me that he wanted a divorce on the day or so after Mother's Day. A month of horrible feirce heartbreaking conversations. One trip to the counsellor together and he tells me that I'm not worth the time...blah blah. Fast forward to last week, he was in a motorcycle accident and I've spent over a week taking care of his every need. Me and the kids are getting ready to leave for 2 weeks to go and spend some time with his parents 12 hours from home. He says that break will be good for us. Fast forward to tonight:
I thought I was being strong and was doing my best to just ride things out and not pressure him into talking about it, but tonight, I just couldn't. I know that we're going to be apart for longer than we ever have (never before in 15 years except for maybe a night or 2) Anyhow, I confided in him this evening that I just couldn't bare the heartache, stomachaches, sleepless nights, living in limbo, the depression, the not knowing if we're getting divorced or not. I can't live this way anymore, and even though he's told his mother that each time he starts to "come around" I push him even farther back by "trying to make him make a committment to me that he is not ready to make" WTF? We've been married for 10 years and have 2 babies and he can't make a commitment now? Well, I'd promised his mom that I would give it a rest and stop questioning, but with tomorrows trip coming up, I felt so compelled that I needed to know something before we took off on a 12 hour drive. Well, you guessed it - even after more than a week of being tight lipped about the subject - he told me to back off. He told me to quit pushing him and trying to make him say something he wasn't ready to say. He says that he is done talking about the subject. He says that he isn't trying to push me out of the house or anything, but he just can't commit anything to me - and he's not nice about it (if anyone could say something like that and be nice)
Trust me, I'm not crazy - but lately it has taken more and more for me to just be able to deal. I've been seeing a counselor, taking an anti-depressant, taking a "nerve pill" type sedative, taking a sleeping pill, and having 1-2 drinks (alcoholic) before I can even try to go to sleep at night. This man is killing me, but as a stay-at-home mom with 2 young children, I feel very trapped. I have to give up my entire way of life (which was fine until Mother's Day) and give up someone I've loved for 1/2 of my life. He won't talk to me tonight, and we're leaving about 10am in the morning. He says that he'll see me in 2 weeks.
Please help me get thru the night.
Jen
Re: Please help me get thru this night MikeB: jlw... I feel your pain. It pours from every word you write.
My heart goes out to you.
I don't know what he's thinkin' or how he feels... but from what you write - he sure is having a lot of nerve to do this to you! I mean - after 15 years and two kids... he at least ows you complete honesty... he ows it to you to tell you everything about how he feels, his reasons and everything when he's forcing you into such a messy situation.
He wanted to give up on 15 years himself... there's gotta be a strong reason for that... humans are habitual animals... and you would guess that if you can live with someone for 15 years that you feel comfortable...
So what the heck got him this far? What's going on inside his mind? Only he can know for sure...
Anyway... I know this won't really bring you comfort... but at least he's not leaving for sure and for good...
I think for this to have chance you really musn't push him (although I understand completely the desire to talk, to know... everything)... This is gonna be very hard for some time...
It's okay to take anti-depressants, sedatives... it's okay to have a crink or two before bedtime... but don't let it become a real habit... it will only hurt you and your familiy even more...
And don't mix alcohol and psychotropics...
We're here for you...
I hope your night won't be as bad as you think it will... talk to us or read a good book, watch a funny movie or something... I know this sounds cynical... but try!
-Mike
Re: Please help me get thru this night Roseville: MikeB,
Thank you. I have been completely assured that there is no other woman. He's told me, my parents, his parents, his friends, the counselor, and he has my name tatooed on his arm (not that that means anything) but I am just so confused as to what in the heck has gotten into him. You're right, he's not gone - we are here and living in the same house. We eat dinner together, watch tv, play with the kids.....everything that we used to do except for ANYTHING physical. Aside from the fact that I've had to care for his wounds on his arms and touch him that way, I've been instructed NOT to touch him. To back off and give him space. This is so hard to do. He has given me a couple of pecks on the lips and that's about it in a month.
I am just so hurt - and it is causing the kids to act up even more than a 2 & 4 year old already do. They have been truely getting under my skin and they are acting out unbelievably. They have been tearing the house to shreds and I've had to try every form of discipline that I can think of (time out, taking things away, spanking, and the famous does nothing for anyone YELLING!) I honestly am afraid that between my husband and the way my 2 kids are acting, I am going to have some sort of breakdown. I've been having anxiety attacks again, and it scares me. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe and my heart feels like it will explode. This on top of the undoubted ulcer my husband has given me this past few weeks.
I need help - serious help - I need help with my kids (which luckily I will get when I get to my in-laws - my mother in law is good with the kids) and I need answers from my husband. I need, I need. I'm sorry for babbling and crying - but I'm on my second fuzzy navel, and this last one is the "fuzziest" I've ever made! I just want some sort of answers so that maybe the kids, he, and I can hopefully all get back to normal.
Re: Please help me get thru this night worchid76: :-[
I am so very sorry about what is going on. I will give you my take. I think that he might be sure or he might be close to sure of the fact he is not staying together. He is not ready to come right out and say it though.
Just go on and do your thing as difficult as it may be. He might have a change of heart when he sees you are doing "well"
Re: Please help me get thru this night larry: we're here for you! i'm praying for you as i type this! you're going to get through it. i promise. God is holding you up as we speak and carrying you. do NOT give in or up!
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