Wallowing in it tonight... Irony: [color=navy">
OK so tonignt I'm feeling sorry for myself..
I've had this lousy Ramsay Hunt Syndrome for the past three weeks and it's been draining me physically and emotionally. It's a painful infection of the facial nerve brought on by shingles. The pain in my ear and my face are at times unbearable and I'm exhausted.
It's saturday night and I ain't got nobody.. (sounds like the song, I know) but I feel alone and isolated and don't know how to change things.. all want to do right now is to sleep until this pain goes away, yet I need to hold someone and be held.
Sad state of affairs for a grown man, I know, but that's exactly where I am.
When I get this far down the tubes, i start thinking of how stbxw screwed me royal here.. the promises broken, the lies, the abandonment.. it all comes over me in a tsunami of epoch proportions and I just can't shake it.
I want to go home, wherever that is at this point.. I need to be around people, yet there are none around and i havdn't the energy right now to go out and be among them.
My son is also isolated and bored.. he has a tough time making friends and is looking to me to be his entertainment.
I know it's not my responsibility to entertain him, and I don't feel very entertaining right now anyway.
Well, I'm rambling and I don't know where this is going.. I miss my late wife so much at times like this.. she was my best friend and never let me down.
Yeah, we had our share of problems, but we were comitted to one another and werer in it for the long haul... 25 years together and poof! She goes out for a ride one afternoon and never comes home.
The pain in my ear and in my face are almost debilitating at times,and the doc's say it will be a few more weeks.
Great!
I want to have a party.. I want to be with people.. I want to have meaningful dialog with adults.. I want to be validated..
(jeez I sound pathetic)
tomorrow will be better, I'm sure but tonight I am where I am.
iron man
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Re: Wallowing in it tonight... brokenbaby: I have often said that I want to go home. And could not figure out where that was. I realized that I didn't have a home because I was so unhappy and uncomfortable with myself I couldn't feel at home anywhere. Perhaps your illness and the severe pain :( is making you feel extremely far from yourself and what you know. So far that everything is overwhelming right now.
Let yourself wallow. But remember to be a bystander to yourself as well and hold yourself through it. It's okay to wallow. Just not okay to be stuck there.
PM if ya want. I really hope you feel better soon. :-*
Re: Wallowing in it tonight... MikeB: Wow... I really think brokenbaby said it perfectly...
Home is where the heart is.... and since your heart is (for now) somewhere you can't be (in the days when there was less pain, when there was someone close to you to hold and to be held by) - you feel homeless, so to speak...
I have come to experience that it is a very intuitive thing to say "I want to go home" when you feel lonely, when you feel loss. It is the loss of someone close, someone who offered you home. Home - what do we associate with this word?... Warmth, kindness, security, comfort, a sense of belonging there - love.
I have said "I want to go home" a lot in the days, weeks, months after the breakup... My ex and me even said it to each other - and then she said "but that home is gone... we can't go there"... and I replied "Don't say that. You know I will always love you and be there for you... I will always offer you kindness, warmth, comfort and love - you will always find home in my arms."
That is still true today... I don't know if she has found home again... but I'm sure she hasn't found a home with the kind of love, warmth and comfort I have to give...
I know it is probably not a great source of comfort.... but you are "home" for your son... I have never experienced that myself, so please forgive me if I'm being ignorant, but I think there can be no greater task and no greater source of confidence than knowing that you provide a good home for your kids...
Maybe you can (when the physical pain has lessened) do something with your son... be there for each other - hold each other - talk to each other - do something together - provide each other with a sense of belonging, of home...
I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain... and I hope you'll get better soon.
Take care,
-Mike
Re: Wallowing in it tonight... Irony:
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I know it is probably not a great source of comfort.... but you are "home" for your son... I have never experienced that myself, so please forgive me if I'm being ignorant, but I think there can be no greater task and no greater source of confidence than knowing that you provide a good home for your kids...
Maybe you can (when the physical pain has lessened) do something with your son... be there for each other - hold each other - talk to each other - do something together - provide each other with a sense of belonging, of home...
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My son IS a great source of comfort to me. We have a wonderful relationship and a great deal of love and respect for one another. I've tried ot make this place a home for him and he seems to be settling in nicely. We go places and do things together. We laugh hysterically at simple things at times and get to actually talk about things that matter.
That part is wonderful.. where things fall down is in my personal relationship arena... I had been married for 25 years to my late wife, and together married to stbxw for 3 whole years.. so almost all of my adult life I've been married.. I like being married. I like doing stuff together... cooking.. talking.. hugging and making love... planning for the future... and just plain adult talk. I'm so damn tired of waking up alone, but even that feeling is starting to fade.
So, all in all, I have so much to be grateful for, and I thank God fo those things every day.
I admit to needing to dwell on those things more and dwell less on what I don't have. I fully understand that this too shall pass, and that my situation may only be temporary, yet, while in the thick of it, the situation can become overwhelming and seemingly hopeless.
"Today I choose to make it a great day!"
iron man
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Re: Wallowing in it tonight... icwtsmnl: i used to say " i wanna go home" on a regular basis, even when i WAS home (in my own apartment), and whoever happened to hear me didn't understand my point. the point that you all just explained. and i foolishly thought I was the only one...
it gets better iron man. I don't know when. but it does. know that.
you say you want to have a party. why not do that? throw a party (regardless of holiday or reason) and invite your friends and/or family. and involve your son in the planning. it will be a great positive thing to focus on. having people around who love you and like you is just what you need. AND its actually selfless!
