stickin to my decision jsurfer: Well I have been hiding out here in the shadows for a while now..I was getting help just by reading actually..but now I kind of need some advice..
Well my wife or stbx or whatever I should call her has been talking about divorce off and on for a few years now...we have been together for almost 10. I don't know what is wrong but she says I don't show any love. But how can you show love when you don't get any to begin with? I know I we got married to early. 21 both of us, but I think I did it because I kind of felt sorry for her when we were dating. Her father was very ill and they needed help. Well he died about 4 years ago, right before he passed away my first son was born..to make this shorter. We had no time to ourselves, not including mother in law living with us...so..now we have two boys. she has been talking about this for a while. usually after she is really wound up from B$!#ing at me about how I am a bad person, I don't show love, tattoos, my job, the way I try and raise the boys, how I am feeling...which is cool because she tells me how I feel right when I walk in the door after work. "Hi im home..." "oh your in a bad mood today!" exact words honest..
It's got to the point where I actually feel like I don't love this person anymore. All I care about is the boys.
now after I go away for about a week to surf and clear my head, I come home..the second I walk in the door before I even have a chance to say anything she says im in a bad mood!! What the hell? I try and talk to her and see how she has been and how the boys are but all she wants to do is tell me how I feel.
I finally told her I had enough, I don't love her and I don't want to be married anymore..well mom in law starts in on me. (did I mention she lives with us??)
Well she starts to cry and asking how she can make me love her again and how we should try and fix it...
after almost 3 years of her insane remarks and complaining and telling me we should divorce and find other people who love us..(one time was on new years eve by the way...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!) She wants to all of a sudden try to change and work, after I offered to go to counseling with her. She doesn't want to travel I offered that to I actually bought plane tickets for us to Europe for a week...I get..."I don't like french people" So I tell her no one does, but it will be nice.
Well my mother in law actually sat us down and talked to us..she blames my wife for this because she has been holding it over my head for so long that she shouldn't be suprised that I want to now..We live in Japan by the way that is why she lives with us.
Well I actually put my foot down and said I want one. I want to stand by my decision. I know my boys will get hurt but they are kids we can handle that together. I cried and went to bed...which is something i rarely do..cry. I don't understand why she is acting like it's such a suprise after all of the times she has held it over my head...I don't want to stay married to her, it's getting to the point where we will end up hating each other. I don't want to hate her.
But how can she just tell me that if she takes the boys that I can't see them. or if I take them she doesn't want to see them because she would have to see me. This is Japan and there is no such thing as joint custody or visitation. One parent gets the kids the other is expected to dissapear. I won't let that happen!!
Well I just needed to type and get this out. Thanks to all for listening. I have a feeling I might
be posting again soon
Re:stickin to my decision seth: I know what you mean about your "stbx" ruining a good time w/ a divorce discussion. Yours did it to you on New Years of all times. Actually, come to think of it, mine argued w/ me and pulled a little bit of that on me right before the turn of the Millenium on Dec. 31, 1999. What a jerk.
She also told me she wanted to leave when we were leaving a wedding party and another time when we were on vacation in Savanah, Ga. I mean, why ruin my damn vacation? You know what I mean? What's wrong w/ some people?
Re:stickin to my decision lucyloo: This is so sad. You' re all the way in Japan. Your wife doesn't get rule #1- be considerate to your loved ones. And rule #2 don't throw the word "divorce" out there unless you intend to get one.
May I take a stab at something here?
Wow. What a great solid, wonderful man. What a super nice thing he you have given- of yourself. Freely and willingly, your time, energy, money, support, love, future. You are a rare find. (I would love a man like you)
But, here's the deal-- knowing you married her at a time of great need, well, she cares about you and wants to return the favor. But How can she ever repay you?
And can she be sure you love her? Or did you just need to save the day?
If she has some insecurity, I bet she wonders these things. You simulatneously fill her with love and break her heart.
Also, she might wonder where she'd be without you- how things would have worked out, and most likely sees that they wouldn't ahve worked out as well.
If anything, you' re a keeper and she knows that. That's why now she is clinging to working it out.
You married her when she needed some security. You took her mother in. Gave her two sons to love. But I can see why she would have doubts... now that the grief is mostly behind her...she needs to know that you married her for the right reasons, and are glad you did. That you remain married to her for the right reasons- because you love her, not because you needed someone needy.
She married you because she needed what you offered- the safety, someone to count on when her world was upside down. BUt she wants to know that you married her because you think she's amazing, you admire how she handled it all, what a good mother she is, that her fmaily is your family. NO one wants to be a sympathy case, you know?
I totally relate to where you are coming from being fed up with her clamor about divorce as the white noise between you, even on new years eve. How inconsiderate. My husband said similar things to me. He and I are quite different, but, I got fed up with what I came to see was his negativity or scare tactics.
After a while I thought "Put your money where your mouth is. This is unfair, and you know it." Sometimes I think he just wanted to see what I'd put up with.
You two have boys now. And you live in a foreign country. It WILL hurt your boys, and I think it will hurt both of you too.
I don't beleive they deserve to loose either one of you.
I don't know your wife, or you, Maybe she wants independence since it seems like she went from her parents house to yours.... but that can be handled. In time you two can learn how to give personal space, and freedom to grow and change. She can have some independence and be married.
Hey, I'm not saying stay married. Maybe you're too far gone to go back to repairing anything or reinventing the marriage. But I wanted to say how your situation came acorss to me becasue I felt somehow that my words wouldn't be wasted on you.
Lucy
Re:stickin to my decision jsurfer: See I don't know if it can be fixed, we have ben trying...but it seems to work for only a week or two sometimes 3, then it's back to the way it was. I honestly think it would be easier for both of us to just go our seperate ways. I don't know maybe I am just giving up. It just gets old after a while you know? The silent treatment because I didn't buy the right kind of diapers, or made her upset because my mother in law saw a tattoo of mine and made a comment to her about it. The thing I think that is really wrong is that my wife or whatever I am supposed to call her is the only child and has never been away from mommy longer than 9 months for college. So she is kind of a spoiled brat. Actually not kind of..IS!!.
The other thing is she never went from her parents house to mine..her parents lived with us...only her mother now, she has never been away from mommy!!
I am getting fed up with the scare tactics and all of the other games that go on with her. I just don't see a way to try and work this out anymore...
Is it good for the kids to see the parents like this?? I don't think it would be.
Am I responsible to keep her happy 24-7?
Re:stickin to my decision jsurfer: See I don't know if it can be fixed, we have ben trying...but it seems to work for only a week or two sometimes 3, then it's back to the way it was. I honestly think it would be easier for both of us to just go our seperate ways. I don't know maybe I am just giving up. It just gets old after a while you know? The silent treatment because I didn't buy the right kind of diapers, or made her upset because my mother in law saw a tattoo of mine and made a comment to her about it. The thing I think that is really wrong is that my wife or whatever I am supposed to call her is the only child and has never been away from mommy longer than 9 months for college. So she is kind of a spoiled brat. Actually not kind of..IS!!.
The other thing is she never went from her parents house to mine..her parents lived with us...only her mother now, she has never been away from mommy!!
I am getting fed up with the scare tactics and all of the other games that go on with her. I just don't see a way to try and work this out anymore...
Is it good for the kids to see the parents like this?? I don't think it would be.
Am I responsible to keep her happy 24-7?
