any regrets totallyclueless: ok ok i know what u guys are going to say....don't think about what might have been.
but for those of us with regrets why not voice them here for the purpose of having intelligent people tell you that they are mostly unfounded?
mine is that i didn't give her the romance she needed...
Re:any regrets clambakesX: hi tc ... romance can be requested, you know ... and if someone wants something (e.g. romance is very important to one partner), s/he bears some responsibility for presenting that need in a way that's 1) understandable for the person s/he is requesting that from, 2) clear in terms of the weight of the need in the relationship, 3) broken up into concrete requests. "More romance, please!" is a tough expectation to meet. Easier is "Honey, romance does X, Y and Z for me and gives me the strength/energy to give you L, M and N. You could meet my need for romance by arranging 1 candlelight dinner per week, 2 moonlit walks on the beach per month, and figuring out a system of bringing me flowers that seems spontaneous."
Dunno if that's the kind of regret-deconstruction you're looking for ...
My regret is that I didn't pay attention to my gut feelings and avoid the relationship at the beginning (per my stomach) or get out of it much, much earlier.
Yesterday I was putting books on the new shelves I'd built the day before at my new place, and I found a book of poetry I'd given him while we were dating. Inside was a card, with a cheesy poem I'd written, of stuff I didn't believe or feel while I was writing it, but I knew it was what he expected and it was what I knew I *should* be feeling if I were in a romantic relationship. I brought the book back to him, apologized for the mix-up, and said I'd been tempted to destroy the card before returning the book. He read the card, and I said I was disgusted with myself for having written things I didn't feel.
At least, now I have the ability to be honest and to put my own feelings first. I've had a few interactions with someone who seems interested in me the same way Clambake was and seems to be hoping for more. I've been careful to be civil, no more, and to keep distance rather than rushing in to fulfill someone else's hopes, dreams and expectations with no regard for my own.
- M
Re:any regrets JustMe: [quote author=Medusa link=board=1;threadid=3078;start=0#msg24858 date=1085737155">
At least, now I have the ability to be honest and to put my own feelings first. I've had a few interactions with someone who seems interested in me the same way Clambake was and seems to be hoping for more. I've been careful to be civil, no more, and to keep distance rather than rushing in to fulfill someone else's hopes, dreams and expectations with no regard for my own.
- M
[/quote">
I like what you said.
Re:any regrets ChrisM: I regret not giving her the attention she needed, which was probably impossible, but I regret not trying. That's the one thing I wish I could change.
I tried after she left, but it was too late.
Re:any regrets ChristyM: Well, I agree with Chris to some extent, but in my case, my ex never voiced those wants/needs in time for me to do anything about them. He just waited until he was no longer happy and then split. I think it's a tall order to expect someone to be cognizant of their spouse's feelings all the time. I truly thought we were happy. Looking back now, we were complacent, but doesn't complacency run rampant in most marriages?
My only regret was begging and pleading with him to stay and work it out. I think I lost some of my self-respect during that time, but I guess we all do what we need to in order to survive that dark time.
Christy
Click More for the next page.
