This is all very Familiar, but I have a question? onthemend: Hi, I am new. I just want to let all of you starting your "Journey through Hell" that it will get better. And yes, I did not believe that a year ago when all of this started for me.
My divorce will be final next week. Since this all began, I not only lost the person who I trusted more than anyone, but also my home, being able to see my children everyday, and the entire life I had worked so hard to make for my family. Like everyone else, first I just prayed for a heart attack to kill me in my sleep. I had nightmeres about my STBX and her 2 lovers. I cried without shame constantly. I lost about 25 pounds in 4 weeks. Then I became angry - at her for the affair, at me for not being able to hold a family together, at her lovers for stealing my life away from me. At her and they guy(s) for the pain my two small children had to deal with. Then I became numb. Then it slowly started to happen, each day I began to see things in myself that weren't so bad. She had accussed me for driving her into her affairs. Maybe it wasn't me, maybe some people have to justify mistakes by hurting others? Maybe guilt caused her to cut me down? Who knows. But I did learn that her stamp of approval is not needed for me to be the man I want to be for my children and myself.
The crazy thing is that now that I relize I can love my kids and myself and have begun to feel descent again, she seems worse than she was 6 months ago. Why? In November, she moved in with her now live in boyfriend, she was able to finish her schooling, get her degree, and her family paid her bills plus the rent on the place for her and her new guy. She has a brand new car too. I was ordered to pay 95% of the debt from the marriage by the court in our first mediation session (because I was employed and she was finishing school). I had no one to go home too anymore, and she her new relationship and my kids (kids half of the week).
Now I don't obsess over it anymore. I can be kind because that is how my children should see their father treat their mother. I am not afraid of seeing her or talking to her. Why does she seem so uncomfortable around me? She has what she told me she wanted when we seperated - her own life outside of me, more time for herself, the chance to make her own decissions without anyone else's input, and the chance to fall in love again (she told me she did not know if she was in love with me anymore, even though she did love me). I am just curious if anyone understands this? Sometimes things can still puzzle you even if they don't hurt you as much as they use to.
Re:This is all very Familiar, but I have a question? incoherentlonghorn: Welcome to OJAR,
It sounds like the last year has been a rough one. Glad to hear you are doing a little self analysis and learning that both of you have flaws. I also don't believe that you can drive someone to cheating, away yes, cheating no. Also, glad to hear you're putting the children first.
I was also finishing up school during our divorce and I must have been ripped because I got half of the debt and the assets are to be determined.
As for the s2bx she might be realizing that the grass is not always greener...but only those who know the whole story really know.
I was the leaver (no cheating) and it is still uncomfortable between us almost ten months later.
Hang in there,
LL
Re:This is all very Familiar, but I have a question? overseas: You know, it's interesting that most people who are about a year out of their divorce actually seem to think it was for the better, I mean, they start seeing the bright side, but it takes going through that "journey of hell" first to see it I guess!
I think there are often warning signs before a spouse cheats, and people often choose to ignore these pleas for attention or whatever. This is the crucial phase when work needs to be done, otherwise, after cheating, it becomes a lot harder to trust and rebuild. Maybe some people are just losers or chronic cheaters, but I think most people aren't like this. I think usually cheating is a symptom of a pretty bad relationship. That doesn't excuse it, but it helps put it into context.
Have you thought about whether you would have had a good relationship without the cheating? Or was everything peachy except for that?
Reading your post, along with many others' makes me SOOOO glad I don't have a house or kids with my STBX! Whew, much simpler separation!!!
