Is it all the other person's fault? katelyn: As I thumb through posts I am befuddled with women saying all men suck, and men saying all women suck. Hundreds of hateful posts about how awful/psycho the "stbx" is.
Does anyone ever reflect on whether or not they might actually share some responsibility in the demise of marriage/relationship? I have read a few posts that reflect this. But not many.
This is something I think about all the time but it's hard to put into words. I guess it's just sort of mathematical logic. The odds of the ex being completely wrong and us being completely right, hundreds of times over, is just not probable.
Every single divorced person I bump into is undyingly convinced their ex is, and I quote, "PSYCHO".
What are the odds of that being accurate?
I don't know... I see people all the time with this death clutch on their conviction of being "right", unwilling to budge all while watching their relationship crash and burn. Both parties are 150% convinced they have done "everything" and the other has done "nothing" but mistreated them. Each party has the exact same damn story. Wtf is wrong with this picture?
Are we all so in love with ourselves that we can't say "Wow, maybe I'm f-ing up here, even if -I- don't think I am! Maybe MY perception isn't the end of all perceptions on this earth."
I know that as soon as I'm being told I'm f-ing up - I IMMEDIATELY get defensive and will spend hours convincing whoever that I did nothing wrong. Why? Why not just listen to that person who has a complaint against you? Is it SO far fetched that you might be doing something wrong? Maybe not in your eyes but in theirs. Does their perception not count? Only yours?
Why... is it the worst thing in the world to come to terms with the fact that we aren't perfect? Why do we defend ourselves to the death of the relationship?
It is always the other that is wretched.
Re: Is it all the other person's fault? Chey: Katelyn that kind of realisation comes a LONG way down the road. I only recently admitted blame within my marriage, and it's been nearly 2 years since I left.
Initially I think we all need to justify what we've done to defend our actions or even to heal ourselves. We HAVE to hang on to the bad stuff so that we stay angry. Admitting fault means we're turning that anger on ourselves which is even more unproductive.
Eventually in time everyone will hopefully learn a few lessons, but there's a lot of raw / new emotions there. Hang around a bit and you'll see all those "man/woman" bashers will eventually quieten the anger. But for now it's what they need :)
Re: Is it all the other person's fault? katelyn: I quickly want to clarify I'm not aiming these thoughts towards this website. Something I've thought about for a long time mostly because of dealings I've had in real life.
Re: Is it all the other person's fault? Freckles: [quote author=katelyn link=topic=31001.msg308866#msg308866 date=1151944951">
As I thumb through posts I am befuddled with women saying all men suck, and men saying all women suck. Hundreds of hateful posts about how awful/psycho the "stbx" is.
Does anyone ever reflect on whether or not they might actually share some responsibility in the demise of marriage/relationship? I have read a few posts that reflect this. But not many.
This is something I think about all the time but it's hard to put into words. I guess it's just sort of mathematical logic. The odds of the ex being completely wrong and us being completely right, hundreds of times over, is just not probable.
Every single divorced person I bump into is undyingly convinced their ex is, and I quote, "PSYCHO".
What are the odds of that being accurate?
I don't know... I see people all the time with this death clutch on their conviction of being "right", unwilling to budge all while watching their relationship crash and burn. Both parties are 150% convinced they have done "everything" and the other has done "nothing" but mistreated them. Each party has the exact same damn story. Wtf is wrong with this picture?
Are we all so in love with ourselves that we can't say "Wow, maybe I'm f-ing up here, even if -I- don't think I am! Maybe MY perception isn't the end of all perceptions on this earth."
I know that as soon as I'm being told I'm f-ing up - I IMMEDIATELY get defensive and will spend hours convincing whoever that I did nothing wrong. Why? Why not just listen to that person who has a complaint against you? Is it SO far fetched that you might be doing something wrong? Maybe not in your eyes but in theirs. Does their perception not count? Only yours?
Why... is it the worst thing in the world to come to terms with the fact that we aren't perfect? Why do we defend ourselves to the death of the relationship?
It is always the other that is wretched.
[/quote">
Here are MY Faults in my Marrage(Everyone her knows my StbxWs and EXStepsons faults by now, if not you can read them)
My Faults:
1. I did not get back yard fence fixed between negbors fast enough.(Now it is up, but still needs work)
2. Did not get Dryer (Hose is not wired for Dryer) Now have Dryer still need Electric work done.
3. Wife wanted me to Sell Home or Get Loans on it and Move ANYWHERE but Here.(I said No,did try to get loan to have Peace but Credit is bad so they said no, I was so Happy)
4. I would not play Catch/Video games with Her Son.(Her Son is Four Letter Word Spewing, Attack if You say no, Police were here several times)
5. Her Son would ONLY eat Pre Processed Junk Food IE Hamburgers/Corndogs/Burretos
So I would Try to Buy a LOT of Food You have to Cook(To get back at Him for Cussing) Like *I* would Cook Fried Chicken and Mashed Potatoes and Biskets and Gravy *He would STARVE Himself before He would Eat Cooked Regular Food. I was mad so I would Try to Only have Cooked Food as much as I could.
6. I would NOT Drink Beer or POt at the End they Tried to get me to *Taste* It * I Got very Upset. And said There is No Way that THEY could make me Drink Beer or Smoke Pot, That I would Die First !
(Two Weeks before BIG Blowup)
7. Oh I would Not Buy Her son Ciggarets , I would Buy HER Cigarets.
Ultra Light 100s
She did not mind smoking them, But HE wanted Regular Full Flavor.
I Refused to buy them, She and He Got Mad.
8. She used her Whole Check on Beer and Pot. 100 Percent
Also Cigarets
I only would buy her Ciggertes sometimes. She was Mad sometimes I would Not give Her Money for Beer and Pot.
9. She was also mad I guess that I kept calling Police on Her Son when He would Flip Out and Attack Me. I Called Police on HER at BIG Blow up.
Afyter that I feel Marrage was over.
These are some of the things *I* did to the Marrage
So I Guess I was not Perfect
:)
Re: Is it all the other person's fault? fmtw2k: I took a lot of blame right at the beginning - if anything got very down on myself. One thing I have noticed, though, is as I am going through the 'anger' stage of this, I am finding myself thinking I really wasn't that much at fault and that he caused this. Now I know that is not entirely accurate and I know I am thinking that out of anger.
But right now I am thinking that... my faults were not bad enough to warrant a divorce, that some of his manipulative behavior caused me to do some of the things I am at fault for, and that I was always trying to work on improving myself - I never denied any of it. Now as I move through other stages this may change, but your question is one I have been asking myself a lot, too.
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