now what icwtsmnl: here i was, thinking "problem solved. I'm so happy. yay". and then I'm back into it with you. sure, i was glad that you gave this another chance, and for 2 weeks or so, i was thrilled, happy, content, hopeful, in love. but then this weekend......omg, what the hell was that?? sunday and monday are really making me think twice. sure, i wanted to punch you, BUT I DIDN'T. and i DIDN'T raise my voice. YOU were the one who lost control, and you still want to blame me. blame me for everything. and you won't admit to it (or anything) until I pick up my bag and pillow and walk towards the door. do you think i want to live like that the rest of my life??? I show the effort I'm making to stay calm and be normal, but it's ok for YOU to scream and yell and throw ME on the floor??? I let it go, figuring that it was payback for all I'd done to you. but now....I don't know. that showed me a side of you that I didn't know existed. Did you think that behavior was ok just because I did it in the past and you still took me back? did you think that you could do it and I'd always take you back? I'm f--king weak, that's why I didn't leave. because i didn't want to feel that pain that i've been feeling those 3 weeks that we were broken up. that was awful and i just want things to be good and somehow believe you when you say you want them to be good too. but it left an impression on me.
furthermore, i don't want to be with a guy who can't get his ass in gear and do the things he needs to get done. you have to fix this, you have to fix that....have you done any of it?? how long has it been?? oh, you "don't have time". really? but you have endless amounts of time to play golf. i don't see you moving out of that house. you're all talk. "the house will be on the market by end of july". OH REALLY?? f--king liar. yeah, no one likes household chores and repairs, BUT WE DO THEM. i don't want to be with a man who can't get anything done. who makes excuse after excuse after excuse and then has he nerve to get defensive and angry when he gets called out on it. I don't want to have to be the nagging wife. f--king DO something. you complain that paul doesn't do his share of the office projects?? well at least he gets stuff done at home. he doesn't like it, but he DOES it. i find that way more respectable than someone who can put together a great business plan and then pat himself on the back for it, but not get his personal affairs in order. i'm tired of your words. they mean nothing anymore.
maybe i'm falling out of love with you. some part of me really hopes so. because i think i know deep deep down that this couldn't last forever. if you were to propose to me next year, there's a real possibility i'd say yes and then cancel at the last minute. as much as i love the time we are together when we're not fighting, i think this isn't right. you are too self centered, defensive, blaming, offering empty promises. i hate that i'm in this position. i hate having to decide. i hate having to fear my misery if we break up AGAIN, permanently. do i stick it out until I get a new job so i don't have to see you every day? what do i do?? why can't someone give me the answers? pathetic as it sounds, I don't know how to make the decision on my own. i know everyone has their faults; am i just epxecting perfection? i didn't think so.
in the meantime, i don't know how to act towards you. do i be nice and continue to hang out and let you think things are fine? do i tell you my reservations and concerns and then listen to your defensve rant? ugh, the more i imagine it, the more i think "I have to get out of here. I can't live like this". but still, I'm stuck in this office with you.
Re: now what icwtsmnl: and you just walked into my office, complaining about your car lease bullsht. yeah it sux, but you know what, i don't care. and then when i said "i forgot the situation, remind me what happened", you rolled your eyes and looked away, like you always do. so you know what, i cared even less. and what do you care, its just another excuse for you to not do the other stuff you need to take care of. you have no time, remember?
so i just sat and nodded. and forced myself to throw out there "that's frustrating" to act like i cared. but how can i, when i feel like you dont care about me? like i'm just your sounding board for when things don't go your way. but when i need to complain or vent, you don't want to hear it.
could you see in my eyes and my general silence that i don't feel right about things? does that concern you? or do you just assume that whatever i'm thinking must be my own fault? cause you're an angel, you have no idea what you do wrong. or you'll never admit it. i just dont want to see you right now. if you feel put off and don't call me for a few days and go play golf all freaking weekend, go ahead. i don't want to deal.
