Demons yella: To the demons...
I've been finally beaten down. I'm down to the point where there's nothing left of me. Down to where the only thing that exists now is the blood that runs through my own veins, the blood that now runs cold. I've given all that I can give and I can't give anymore. I've literally run myself to the ground. Totally numb now.
I can't take anymore of this. I can't stand the thought of another man coming into my life. I've lost my entire sense of self, and my entire sense of caring. It's been stripped from me completely, and I'm not sure if I did this, or if you did this. All I know is that there is nothing here. Nothing I want to give, nothing to take. Absolutely nothing. I've been defeated.
I didn't even feel this low or this defeated when M left, but here I am. All the hope I carried, all the strength I had, gone.
I used to believe that there was someone out there for me. I had that stupid dream that my prince was there, but I now know that all men are the enemy. They see my light, rob me of it, then leave me to find a way to relight it. But you know what? I let that happen. The dreams I had of living a happy life loving someone allowed me to drop my guard, and allowed my light to be taken.
I'm not the same person I was a few months ago, or even a week ago. I've become dark and unforgiving. This is who I am now, and this is who I'm going to be for the rest of my life. I just need to accept it now. It'll be easier than fighting against the tide. Fighting for something I was never meant to have. Nothing matters anymore.
Nothing...
I'm finished.
-K
Re: Demons icwtsmnl: Smiley, please call someone who loves you and cares about you. please don't stew in this by yourself. I am glad to give you my number to talk, although you don't know me all that much. You've been through so much and have given me encouragement, and I feel so awful that you feel this way. If you want to talk or vent, please let me know and I'll gladly give you my number. don't be alone in this. there are people who love you.
Re: Demons TeddyR: :( :( :(
When it comes to your dreams of meeting your Prince,maybe your putting too much pressure on yourself to find someone,quite possibly at a time too soon for you.I'm not familiar with what has transpired in your life up to now,but your post tells of a lost soul who has all but given up on Life,living and finding true Happiness.The pursuit of Happiness is just that a lot of times "a Pursuit".It sounds like you have undergone a relentless search and lost every ounce of faith in people.A Very Unhealthy Situation.There is someone out there for you and you can be sure that someone is searching for you also.The Where and When is a Question we all want answered right now,but understand it will be answered in time.
As for questioning "Did i do this" or did the other party,you will need to move past and learn to accept that what did happen happened,regardless.You may never find a conclusive answer to satisfy anyhow and or one you can face.Becomming unforgiving and feeling like this as the new you is maybe an easier,but deeply regretful approach.Not an approach one would normally chose to take,but in your situation,with current mindset it's one I suppose you'd naturally be pulled into.You need to consider those who are close around you now may not be able to deal with you any longer if you choose that path.If you think your on bottom now,you'll certainly be unreachable then.You don't need to accept the way things are now and you don't need to work against the tide.
I believe getting a little counseling learning to accept what has happened without taring yourself to bits over why or who was at fault will do wonders in your life.It will be far better than what is happening to you now.Your name (Smiley) alludes to a Bright,Happy Go Lucky Person who has positive impact on life and those around you.Get yourself back to where your a fighting force again and spread about your sunshine.Thats my two cents.I would sincerely hope that you reach out for some professional counseling to guide you during this time.
Re: Demons yella: There are so many people here who support me and who pull me back up when I get like this, and I appreciate that so much. I honestly can't explain it.
This past weekend was a tough one for me. Dealing with T and how he was acting took me back in time to when my marriage was ending. T is my ex in different skin, and before anyone harps on me, he already knows this because I already told him. In fact, everything I've written, or will write is stuff he's already read from me. It's no shock to him, and he won't be around to see it anyway. (I had to get that out) He's never, and has no intention of using this place for support. He came here to connect to me, and fool around. He's not a writer.
With that said, his actions affect ME! Everything he's ever said, and the way he treats his life affects me because it's what my ex did. They have the same characteristics. Which is why it's been so hard for me to let go of all of this. It's like living that part of my life all over again. A carbon copy.
I felt as if I could make a real change this time and help him, but he doesn't want it. But I'm also not at a point in my life right now where I have the ability to just let go and walk away. It's too emotional and too hard. I don't expect many people to understand that. In order for me to let go, I need to get angry, and this is my place to let it out. He knows this, so he knows to stay away. He doesn't want help, he doesn't want to get better, and he doesn't want to reach out... I do.
He's told me many times that he doesn't need me. Ok... fine...
This is MY time to get better, and MY time to heal. I can't support him anymore, I can't try to help anymore, and I can't afford to care about how he feels right now. I can't be a savior. I'm not ready to make nice.
If I say the wrong thing, you know I'll regret it, but this is something I'm going through. I'm the one trying to get help, and trying to get better.
I went to my session last night, confirmed the doctor's appointment, and talked a lot about what happened and what's going on inside my head. A few lights were turned on and I felt better when I left. Of course when I woke up this morning the reality hit, and I was low again, but not to the point of where I was.
I haven't totally given up hope, but I just don't have much of it right now. It's a luxury I can't afford at the moment. Yes, I've given up on men, but it's what I need right now. I need to give up. I don't need them.
I want to be strong, independent, and smart. That's my goal. Hopefully I can get there and actually stay there.
Re: Demons fkunone: [quote author=Smiley link=topic=31086.msg310258#msg310258 date=1152193242">
Yes, I've given up on men, but it's what I need right now. I need to give up. I don't need them.
[/quote">
Good. They can suck sometimes anyway.
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