New Kid Who's Dying Inside jrios29: First of all, even though this is my first time writing on this site, I've been reading since mid-May, and everyone here is an angel in disguise. I see the support and love you show one another, and it's so beautiful how everyone looks out for one another, and I hope I can add to that harmony. May Allah bless you all!
And now for the hard part. I am 25 year old who has been married for 7 years, been together for 8. We have 2 gorgeous and loving boys who are 6 & 2. We also found out in April that she was pregnant! :D And that is how I found out my wife had cheated on me and was addicited to cocaine. She called me at work, crying hysterically, saying I was going to leave her. I asked her why would I. She told me she found out she had clamydia from a sexual encounter with another female in January. I remember this because she had told me that she was going out to a gothic vampire club with her friends, and came home with a hickey. Her explanation was that one of the girls was drunk as hell, and just latched on that she had to punch the girl to get her off. I had my doubts, but gave her the benefit of the doubt. It turned out my "wife" had gotten so high and drunk that she decided to become adventurous, and perform sexual acts with this girl.
Needless to say, I died that day. I had turned a blind eye to a lot of her faults, such as she has no ambition in life, no motivation, overweight, lazy, etc. I ignored because I knew that there was something inside of her that I fell in love with, and still hoping to get back.
I did everything in the relationship... cooked, cleaned, took care of the babies, tried giving her everything her heart desired. She has never lifted a finger working in the 8 years we've been together. She never wanted to do anything, so she just sat home all day. The one thing I always said is that no one could be as loyal and faithful as her. That no longer exisists. I asked her what did I do to her that made her stray, she said I did nothing, that it was a very big mistake on her part and her part only. She tells me that I have been the perfect husband, and that she doesn't deserve me. I couldn't have been perfect, because I have been in plenty of compromising situations with very attractive ladies, but never put myself in a situation where I would violate my wife's faith in me in anyway shape or form. Why did she do this?
Then, after 5 days of me thinking that the one person that I thought would never betray me has, she says that the girl "raped" her. Her story didn't even change. She did stuff to the girl, and the girl did stuff to her. But now she was "forced" to do it. That made me decide to divorce her. How can you use one of the most horrific things that can happen to a person, and use it as a last ditch attempt to salvage your marriage????
Yesterday, I told her I am no longer in love with her, and I do not trust her whatsoever. I told her she has until Sept 2007, when I can actually file for divorce, to try her best to right the wrong she's done, but I also said even then, even if you are the perfect wife, it still may not change a thing. Since this whole this happened, she's been acting like June Cleaver, and I simply don't appreciate it. It took her to destroy my life in order to act like a wife???
I know what the result is going to be. I will not stay. I will always take care of my babies no matter what. I will always be there in every way a father can be there, but I can't do this anymore. I don't want a convieinant arrangement , I want to be in love. We both deserve that. I hope she finds happiness one day. She is going to therapy, and having real progress. I go with her next week. Even though she betrayed and lied to me, I still want the best for her. I just can't be the one to give it to her. I need advice. Maybe I am being too harsh...... maybe I am being too soft. I just don't know. There is one thing I do know, I am no longer in love with her, and when I cry, I cry for the love that has been lost, not the love that is. If I kinda rambled, I'm sorry, please reply for any clarification. There are just way too many emotions to deal with at the same time! I think in the past 45 days, I've gone through the 5 stages of grief 10 times, sometimes all in one day! lol! But I know I have a very hard road ahead, and I hope I can find support here. Thank you.
Re: New Kid Who's Dying Inside snkpack: I'm sorry that all this has happened to you, but I don't believe you're being harsh at all. She did things in the relationship that put the marriage at risk and I don't fault you one bit for changing the way you see her. It can't be helped but to view someone differently when they're doing things that repulse you.
I really hope that you can learn to love each other again, but I understand that sometimes relationships can be irrevocably damaged by the careless actions of one party.
I hope that you make the right decision for you. You're right, we all deserve to have a marriage based on love. I want that for myself very much. I hope you stick true to your values and continue to support her in her recovery. It sounds like you're doing everything that you should at this time for yourself.
Re: New Kid Who's Dying Inside confused101: Welcome to the Island of Misfit toys. Where boys and girls around the world come together because we don't fit in. Once in a while people find someone who wants them and will leave the island. Some of us here are going to be here for an extended stay. Keep posting!
Re: New Kid Who's Dying Inside Lumpy: It sounds like you have more than enough justification to want out of the marriage. That being said, don't give her false hope. It's cruel and unnecessary. If you want out, either you or her should leave. You already resent the efforts she is now making, what difference is waiting a year going to make? I only see this getting worse as eventually she will stop feeling guilty and eventually resent you for making her jump through hoops.
Re: New Kid Who's Dying Inside chaotic: [quote author=Lumpy link=topic=31100.msg309883#msg309883 date=1152128477">
It sounds like you have more than enough justification to want out of the marriage. That being said, don't give her false hope. It's cruel and unnecessary. If you want out, either you or her should leave. You already resent the efforts she is now making, what difference is waiting a year make? I only see this getting worse as eventually she will stop feeling guilty and eventually resent you for making her jump through hoops.
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I agree. You have every right and justification to feel the way you do. I would as would any number of members here.
But as Lumpy said, why wait a year before filing? Why tell her there is a chance? If you have made up your mind, then follow thru?
You may see a positive change in her that changes your mind....but how long will that change hold? Possibly forever, but far more likely it will be a temporary change. One that she will hold long enough for you to reconsider.
In my experience and from talking to others, a pattern of behavior is very difficult to change in a person. They may seem like an angel or like the perfect spouse while they are trying to impress you....but it does not take long for them to slip back into thier old self.
When I was betrayed by my XW, it took every ounce of energy I had to follow thru. I even asked her to come back, as if I had done something wrong. Like you I went thru every emotion and even made up a few. Now, I am glad of the decision I made.
Be strong.
Stick to your decisions.
Divorce is tough on kids, but living in an unhealthy environment is worse.
We are here so use us.
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