Refuse to Lose confused101: I haven't done one of these threads in a while, so lets start writing and see what comes out.
Ever feel like you're just fighting yourself and your feelings over someone else? I feel like I've been waging a war against being alone. I hate the word. I haven't really said it in any prior posts, and I don't use it around people I've talked to. I've been through the crappy divorce, and fought being alone due to fear of perceptions from myself and other people as a failure. Viewing myself as alone has basically been a view of myself as a failure. I know this is bad. I hate to lose, I hate to fail.
It has consumed me to a point where it's all I think about. How not to be alone. Changing everything about me has been a priority. Making contacts, friends. Hanging on in a relationship that has pretty much run its course. All because I hate being alone. So what does this do? It AMPLIFIES EVERYTHING. Everything I do is under my own microscope. Everyones words carry such a weight that they can bring me up or down in an instant. I'm 33 and I've put such intense pressure on myself because in my own mind I shouldn't be by myself.
I can't help what other people choose to do in their lives that may not include me in it. Whether it's someone wanting a divorce, or moving away to deal with personal issues, I can't help it. I want to feel like I have control over these things, but in reality there isn't a frikken thing I can do about it. All anything the pressure I have put on myself has done is bascially kept me in situations that have really just made me feel like dogsh*t.
I have to relieve the pressure. I have to wake up each day knowing life is what it is, and the people I've loved don't owe me a thing. I have to be ok with this. I have to be ok knowing that they missed out on a great guy, and live my life as I see fit. If someone else wants jump on the train with me in the future that's cool. But for me to jump on someone else's train has to be out of the question. That's how you get pushed off. I'd like to think that possibly someone would want to share the ride one day, and sharing is different. But to just totally jump on their bandwagon and leave mine behind is absurd...and the sad thing is it's exactly what I've been doing. That's why I've been sitting around waiting. Screw waiting. I've got better things to do.
So what's the answer? I live my life. I make my money and spend my money. I don't go around hoping the next person I meet will be "the one". They have to want ME. Me for who I am, not what I might be later, or what I can be to them if I change just enough. I refuse to live another day worrying about what someone thinks about me, and if they are going to run out the door or not. That's not love. Love is someone loving those quirks no matter what. Love is someone sticking by your side no matter what. I give that kind of love, and I'm not going to accept anything less from anyone.
I've been forgiving, understanding, faithful, patient, kind, complimentary, loving, affectionate and trusting. Just gave it away to people who have in return lied, cheated, misled both myself and themselves and ignored. So tonight I'll go to bed with a new direction and attitude. Not an attitude of being selfish or having anger, but new expectations for my life. This is my ride. I'll share it with the right someone, but if they can't give me what I give them then it will be a short ride for them. If I accept anything less, then I am cheating myself.
I've been cheating myself for so long now, and didn't even realize it.
I'm not sorry about how long this was...had to get some shiznit off my chest.
Re: Refuse to Lose confused101: Wow do I feel better lol.
Re: Refuse to Lose LostTeacher: there was a lot of truth spoken in those words.
i think a lot of us are afraid of the word "alone". we think it makes us weak, undesirable, unworthy. especially if the ex is with someone else. i know it's something i struggle with every day.
but being alone has helped me to realize that i need someone that loves me the way that i love back. it's not fair to me to be in a relationship where there are not similar needs and wants and desires.
being alone sucks sometimes. and other times it's wonderful. i have never lived a life where i can make my own decisions. where at the last minute i can decide to get take-out. where i can put off housework to go out with friends. where i can have a beer if i want. where i can cry, or talk to my mom whenever i want.
i need to not be looking too. the more i look for someone, the less i see. the more i am comfortable with myself, the more i will be comfortable with others. the more i get used to this feeling of alone, the more i will be ready for a new relationship.
those that get involved with the OW/OM too quickly don't take this time to heal. they don't take the time to find out what they need, and what they were missing in their relationship with you. my ex is with another woman, and just watching them and hearing about them at one event made me see that he hasn't changed. he still has all the old problems and feelings as before, he's just substitued me for someone else in that role.
thanks for this thread, it let me get a few things off of my chest that i didn't know i needed to get off it!
LT
Re: Refuse to Lose StillLearning: Amen to the both of you guys...........I feel much better reading your comments and feel that a lot of deep sole searching and healing has occurred. Gives me hope and everything you both say is true.
Thankyou :)
Re: Refuse to Lose Roseville: Rainking~
You know that the first step to getting past this is to admit it, and you just did. So, now you can get on the healing road. Healing yourself, your self esteem, your self worth.
J
Click More for the next page.
