Being tempted by an ex jerseygirl: Mike and I have been together for 7 months. I love him so much and I see us getting married one day.
Anyway, I am still friends with Jeff (an ex from a year ago). We ended on good terms and still maintain a friendship via phone (very random.. its not like we talk everyday or even every week or month). When we were dating it was a realization that we would be better off as friends, so to me we are just friends. Mike HATES it when people are friends with an ex - therefore he doesn't know about this friendship. He would be OK with me having a guy friend as long as it wasn't an ex.
OK.. heres my problem.... Jeff tells me the other day that he is still attracted to me and that he is waiting patiently for me to come back to him. The thing is... I don't see that kind of future with Jeff. BUT I CAN see myself remembering the initial sparks between us and the attraction we both had for each other. I am afraid that the physical attraction is coming back. How stupid am I?? I love Mike and don't want to hurt him but a part of my mind is telling me to go see Jeff to see if any real sparks are there. My heart feels torn today - not because Mike isn't the one for me (because I truly feel he was made for me), but why am I having these sudden thoughts about Jeff? The memories of my time with Jeff are so strong.
I know I'll probably get slammed for this, and thats OK because I feel so confused. I know everybody is going to say to stop communicating with Jeff immediately, but hasn't anyone had that unresolved feeling that there is still something there with an ex? Maybe I wasn't over Jeff as much as I thought I was.
This is HORRIBLE to say - but now I see why people have affairs. Not that I am going to do that, but I now see how tempting things can be. Your heart, mind, and memories start playing tricks on you. Maybe something is lacking in my relationship with Mike that was very strong in my relationship with Jeff.
Re: Being tempted by an ex icwtsmnl: don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. I'm telling you, only harm can come of this. you may see that there are still sparks between you and Jeff, but you already know from experience that you two are not meant to be. do not even put yourself in a position of temptation.
if you really love Mike and hope to marry him, stop talking to Jeff. its not fair to mike that you are still talking to a guy who you still possibly feel a spark for. furthermore, this "friendship" you have with Jeff is not just a friendship anymore.
stop talking to jeff and focus on mike. IF things don't work out with mike, THEN see if you want to give jeff another chance. do not think about doing it now. you will ruin everything with mike. he'll either find out, or you'll just torture yourself further. stop this thing now. completely.
Re: Being tempted by an ex sheydp: This IS why people have affairs... They allow things to get out of hand for the excitement of it. If you are with someone you are happy with, why would you even put yourself into temptations path by being around your ex? There will ALWAYS be people you are attracted to, other than your SO... maybe it is their mind, their body, the way they dance, SOMETHING... there will always be those moments. It is ok to feel attracted to someone else, it shows you recognize the good features in people.
The problem ISN'T that you are attracted to an ex. The problem is that you are willing to allow your mind (and sounds like maybe soon your body?) to dwell on and explore that attraction. The confusion you feel is between the attraction (which is normal) and the willingness to act on it. It is ok to feel it, NOT ok to "explore" that feeling - even in your re-living of memories (which are improved with time, I assure you - it wasn't as WONDERFUL as your memory will tell you - you will forget when bodies stuck together or he elbowed you, etc...).
If you are attracted to a new guy - will you spend time figuring that one out too? Will you see him alone, just to see where it might go? That is basically what you are saying - you are wanting to figure out what there is with him - how "over" him you are - that means you want to explore it. Instead, just admit you are attracted, but make yourself stop there. You can spend your whole life chasing the next attraction, or you can spend it strengthening a good bond.
Now - about maybe there is something missing or "less" in your current relationship... That is probably true. There will always be areas where SOMEONE can beat your current beau. Someone else maybe "understands" this or that about you more.... Someone will be better in bed… someone will play an instrument better, sing better, have prettier eyes… No one is perfect, so there will always be someone who has certain things better than your current guy – someone will beat him in this area or that – EVERY time. The key is… your guy is someone who OVERALL beats out other guys. Someone who (although not perfect in EVERY way) is generally the best for you that you have found. Will you be willing to risk that for someone who has ONE area better than him? Sure, the physical side was EXCELLENT with your ex – is it HORRIBLE with your current? If so, maybe you should work on it with him – there are ways to improve that. If not… (still can work on improving it, of course) but why risk the other wonderful parts just for that.
Looking at exes for ways to improve your relationship is fine – as long as you don’t expect your current to be the same as them, or always better them. You aren’t fair to either of you if you constantly compare them to the best you have ever had and expect them to beat that in every area. No one could. If you are looking for perfection, you will look forever. Sounds like you have as close to that as you can find with your current guy – why risk it by putting yourself in a dangerous situation with your ex?
Shey
Re: Being tempted by an ex jerseygirl: I don't think that it is me scoping out the next person that I am attracted to and then "seeing where it would go". Sure I see a cute guy out in public, I am certainly not going to act on it. With the ex there is that history, which separates my attraction with him vs attraction for just a random guy I see or meet. The history with Jeff and the thought of "what could have been" is what I am dealing with.
[quote"> and sounds like maybe soon your body?) [/quote">
Nope - not gonna do it. Thinking about Jeff is one thing, but becoming physcial with him while with Mike - no way, not gonna happen.
[quote"> your guy is someone who OVERALL beats out other guys. Someone who (although not perfect in EVERY way) is generally the best for you that you have found. Will you be willing to risk that for someone who has ONE area better than him?[/quote">
This is what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Re: Being tempted by an ex 2be: I agree with Shey. I think him admitting he still has feelings just opened up curiosity in you and that is natural. But I'd go with your original gut instinct that you two are just good friends.
People can be attracted to each other, but like Shey said... it is a matter of loving the person you're with and knowing that someone out there might be "better" in some areas, but that overall, the one you're with is the one.
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