My two year story Peaceandquiet: I've thought about writing this post for a very long time now... where would I be when my time comes. Seeing so many others and how far they have come over the past two years, sometimes made me question myself, why have I not acheived more, gotten closer to someone, become the person that I want to be. I don't remember the exact date anymore. I don't remember what morning it was that I woke to the I want a divorce speech. I don't remember the day that I found out it was my best friend she had feelings for.. I don't remember the day that we sat down in front of the kids and told them that their lives would never be the same. It was around this time.. mid July. Seems like lifetimes ago but at the same time it seems like yesterday. 14 years of life wiped out in one day. Memories pushed out, happiness enveloped by hatred.. sadness.. emptiness. Fustration that the situation could not be handled, such pain with the realization that the life that I knew was coming to an end. I think even for a while afterwards i held in denial that it wasn't real.. and many nights i prayed to wake up from the nitemare. Even to this day I still think that there is that possibility to wake up.. for everyting to return as they once were. My heart still lives in that dream even though my mind still pushes me into the reality of what is. Many days I still find myself wandering looking for the memories of the past, trying so hard to hold them tight to my chest, not willing to let them go. I know I must and I know my life now will never be complete until that time. I have met and loved some incredible people in this two year journey.. many I have hurt because I still am not at peace with myself, and haven't been honest with myself. In this path that most of us are on we try so hard to push out the steps that we once took. Trying to drag the rake behind us, making it seem as though the past never occured...but it has.....and my heart still longs for the simple times of the past..living without questioning what the future holds but thinking that the present would never end... I would always walk through the doors and my wife and kids would be there waiting...waiting with the warmth that only a family can give. My family.
All of this combined has still propelled me farther than I ever thought possible, I became a person that never backed down from someone out of fear of hurt..but it has made me cold. It made me think for myself... but I would rather think of those I love. It made me pay attention to my needs.. but I wish they were the needs of others. I have said many times over in posts that divorce leaves a scar.. a scar that has been dragged across our bodies like none other.. I lost my father three years before my divorce.. a man of integrity.. a man that showed me nothing but love...the divorce still burns deeper.. and the scar seems longer and more painful. I would love to hear my fathers voice say just once more.."hey uglier than me".. but that will never happen. But the woman I once called my wife..my best friend.. still talks to me.. I still hear her voice.. and I still feel the pain. Yes it has lessend over the past two years and I have learned to control my emotions when I hear it...or the emotions have learned to control me. One day I know I will be free of it.. I know this because of how far I have come over the past two years. I remember that at one time my past life consumed every second of every day.. I remember asking all the questions of why, how and purpose.. that many of the new members to this board ask. I still come here because these people on this board have become my friends... many that don't even know it.. they are the people that type everyday that I connect with..even though my words may go unspoken.. I read and I feel. I shy away from trying to be to involved because of the memories that do exsist because of this board..most good and some painful. But what is life with out pain and joy. What becomes of us if we stop feeling for others...we become what has left us. I never intended to become that person and I sure as hell don't like that person. The defense we build up trying to protect that which has been hurt sometimes overpowers our real intentions.
So where am I now after two years..... I still don't know, but I do know that I am better than I was back then and I know I'm better than last month..last week and yesterday. We all heal different..its the nature of the cut that determines how soon we recover...but that scar will always remain.. and after two years I have learned to wear it better, learned not to cover it up, and over time I hope that I will be able to show it to more people without hiding behind fear of what caused it...and eventually.. move on with my life.
Peace
Re: My two year story RW1976: Well written post. Thanks for sharing what is going on with you two years after the day. I take solice in that fact that you say your not completley healed but each day gets better. I feel that everyday something has got to change but it doesn't, not yet. I am only one moth after my love left and it still hurts, but not as much as day one. Thanks,
RW
Re: My two year story yella: PQ -
I wasn't going to post to this, but screw it, I am.
As one of the people who has loved you, and who has felt the pain of loving you, I'm almost left speechless from this post. You and I both know that this divorce has been very tough on you, as mine has been on me, but for different reasons and different capacities.
I agree with what you said about you not being honest with yourself, and becoming cold. As one of the ones who has felt that from you, it helps to see you post something like this and see you make a full attempt at recognizing it. It softens the blow, and the heart as well. Kind of makes the time we shared feel less wasted. If you know what I'm saying.
Even with some of the regrets I hold (this isn't a backhanded compliment), I still care about you and about how you are. We're human, we're Ojarians, and it's what we do. It's what I do.
I want nothing more than for you to find peace within yourself, so you can finally be happy and healthy. I hope that one day soon the demons you hold, like many of us do, finally release the grip they have on your heart and your soul and you can breathe again. Really breathe.
You have a friend in me... even if it's just by a small thread.
Re: My two year story Peaceandquiet: Thanks and I know it took alot to post that......I would say more but then we would be hijacking seeing as we won the awards for it LOL
Re: My two year story yella: But...
It's YOUR thread, so would it REALLY be considered hijacking?
And yeah... that took a lot! ;) And it took me forever in Smiley time! ;) :P
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