separated and confused (long!) ostia: Hi all,
I'm pretty new to all this, and not sure what to think.
My husband informed me that he wanted some time apart to "think about things" almost 2 months ago. He told me that the deep connection he felt with me had been fading for some time, and that several months ago it just disappeared, although he still loved me "like a friend or a family member."
I was shocked, because although I knew that we had some issues in our relationship (amd I confess I'd even mentioned to him that I was afraid the marraige wouldn't work, and that I might eventually leave), I never dreamed that he would just end it without ever telling me what his issues were, or trying to work them out. The first I heard that he was seriously unhappy was when he asked for the separation.
Now, of course, I am full of remorse, and am haunted by what I might have done to drive him away. I've just been giving him space, and assuring him that I still love him and forgive him, and that I want things to work out between us. He has come around to some extent...he's calling me more frequently, and saying that he's very open to the idea of trying to "patch things up," but he still feels that he needs some time alone first.
My problem is that my trust in him is very damaged. Even if we do get back together, I feel that I'll always be wondering if he's realy happy, or if he's secretly planning to leave again. Also, he's already demonstrated that he's willing to throw the marriage away fairly lightly (and we've been together for 12 years, married for almost 4).
So I don't know what to do. I love him like I've never loved anyone else, and I feel that he's my soul mate, but at the same time there are things about him that I wonder if I'm ever going to be able to accept--for example, he doesn't like to go out and would rather work less and have less money, whereas I'm very social and I enjoy doing things like traveling and having a decent home, which cost money. He also spends way too much time on the internet, I think...it's his entire social life...which weirds me out a litle (apologies to any internet addicts out there!). It was conflicts over things like that brought us to where we are now.
So I guess I just don't know what to do...how long should I wait, how hard should I try to save the marriage, etc. We still talk on the phone regularly (he's moved in with his brother in another state), and often we'll end up talking for hours...not just about our relationship, but also about books we're reading, projects we're involved, what we're doing, etc. Strange.
I am trying to take things one day at a time, but it's so hard. I'm lonely, having trouble concentrating at work, and I've lost 10 pounds. The hardest thing of all is that I thought I knew him, but I never thought him capable of acting like this. There's also a part of me that feels that all this has little to do with me...he recently dropped out of graduate school, too, and he's making a rather sudden career change...and he's insinuated that he's wondering if maybe he just doesn't wnat to be married anymore...not to me, and not to anybody. He says he doesn't want the responsibility of a house, children (I've been talking about wanting one; were don't have any now), full-time job, etc. Then he turns around and says that maybe he just needs to be free for a little while & get it out of his system before he really settles down. If that's so, I wish he'd figured that out BEFORE he married me....
I don't know what to think or do. The emotional limbo is agonizing, but I feel that it's too early to know what the right thing to do is.
Anybody have any words of wisdom or sympathy? Should I try to save this marraige, or should I move on? :-[
Re: separated and confused (long!) notmyself: dear ostia,
first of all i am so sorry that you are now in this position. i have been there. same with me my husband blind sided me by saying he wanted to move out for a while. problems were there all along, but i thought we could deal with them. after he was gone for a while he wanted to reconcile, i decided at that time that i could not be with him. i would never be able to trust him again. there are still lingering questions of unfaithfullness. i felt so alone after he left, but i realized that i had felt just as alone when we were together. after he left i relished the phone calls, just like before he had left, conversations about nothing.... just the familiar comfort. i was having panic attacks when i hadn't heard from him or could not get in touch with him. you have a difficult decision to make. what to do next? you can wait him out, see what he decides, if and when he does and then proceed or you can decide now what is best for you. be kind to yourself right now. it is hard to think about what is best for just you, after thinking about the two of you for so long. it is difficult, but you will get through this. come here to for advice, to vent, to whatever..... you will get through this.
Re: separated and confused (long!) ostia: Congratulations on making a decision and moving on. It's so hard to know how much of wanting to stay with someone is just about habit, familiarity, and comfort, and how much is about really loving the person and believing that the realtionship could still be good.
Right now I'm just giving myself permission to not make a decision yet. I will need to move on within another month or two, for the sake of my mental health, but right now I think it's worth waiting (or maybe I'm crazy... :-/ )
Re: separated and confused (long!) paddington: Ostia......
I have not posted for a bit but your message really rang home with me. Everyone told me to do this, which I did not (but now wish I did): use this time to start thinking about what YOU want in a husband and in a lifelong partner. Does your husband have the skills to weather problems? Will he be there for you when the going gets tough? Does he meet YOUR emotional needs? Is he too selfish to be in a relationship? Or, does he just need space and are you comfortable in giving him that.
I was in the same position you were - blindsided, lonely, wanting to work things out with a husband who was "getting space" and "exploring his feelings." During that time, I was fixated on what he was potentially doing and thinking (which turned out to be not much) instead of getting my house in order, literally and emotionally. As a result, my husband's eventual decision to not work on the marriage (after only 1 month of counseling) left me in a much more abandoned and weaker state than had I been taking care of ME during that time.
No one but you can tell you whether your marriage is worth saving. Despite the advice of my parents, my friends and anyone with an ear, I thought my marriage was worth saving for months after it was clear that it was not. You need to do what feels best for you to move forward, whether that means cutting loose now or later. In any event, get a good counselor to support you through.
You may be willing to work (as I was), and that's great, but what he "should" do is irrelevant. He either works or he doesn't, that's all you have. As for when you know enough is enough, there's no rule. It's just what makes sense to you at the time. Now, it may make sense for you to try. After a certain amount of fruitless effort, it will make sense for you to quit trying. I did and, while it made no difference, feel proud of myself for the effort.
Also, as you get used to the idea of having your marriage end, you might not feel such a strong need to patch it up again. I think the shock of so big and final a change triggers a preservation reflex that makes you want to hold onto the status quo no matter how bad it may have become. I also think that shock passes, and that's when you hear people say how relieved they are, or that they feel sad but also sure it was all for the best.
Good luck to you!!
A stronger, better Paddington.
Re: separated and confused (long!) achingallover: Ostia - as I read you story, I am identifying all over the place! The responsilbity part - man, was that huge with my stbx. It has been SO huge for him this past year (since he began his personal therapy) that he told me around Thanksgiving he never wanted to have children - HELLO! That's new news to me! He wouldn't even get a DOG because it was "too much responsilbity". My stbx told me he "loved me like a sister". I wanted to shout to him "well, ya didnt' love me like a sister 3 weeks ago when we were on vaction, bucko!" I don't understand how he just flipped a trigger - and I never will. I considered this man my love, my soulmate. I saw why we got together in the first place, out of dysfunction, but the adult me was seeing him in a new light and "rechoosing" him as my life mate. Making plans with him. We just bought a house - first house we ever owned together. I was devistated when he told me he wanted a divorce. No couples therapy - nothing. I had been wanting to go all year - but her refused. I even told my friends, in really rough times - "I dont' know if we'll be able to make it" ...but it was thinking out loud - not WISHING it to happen (which is how he sees it). I totally get where you are at, except my stbx wants no possible reconcilliation. That's sort of where he is now - he's trying to figure out who he is - it's been a power struggle with him all year, so if he says he wants something, he will stick to it, whether he really wants it or not. We have been together for 10 years, married 8, and he is basically throwing "us" away because he's not interested in working with me. It's quite sick.
So, with that said, I want to tell ya, I echo what everyone else has said here, no one can tell you what to do in your situation. But, like everyone else, I want to encourage you to stay with you. Listen to your gut in this and try not to take the blame for everything that happened between you - becuase it's a 2 way street. I mean, it's important to take responsibility for your part - but not the whole thing! It wasn't all you. He is making these choices and there is nothing you can do about that. You didn't "drive" him away - he chose to go. Perhaps he will come back and get into couples therapy with you and want to work on it, but that is HIS decision and there is nothing you can do to sway him either way. He has to decide if it's worth it for him...just like YOU need to decide if it's worth it for YOU!!! Stay with you in this. You are so vulnerable and in so much pain right now, that I know it can be hard to sort all of this out. Don't feel like you have to be in a rush. If you aren't in personal therapy - get into it. It will help you sort this through, as I can imagine it is quite muddy to you right now.
"You may be willing to work (as I was), and that's great, but what he "should" do is irrelevant."
I second the motion! You can't focus on what you think he should do because you can't control that. You can only control what you do and what your decisions are. I totally feel where you are at. It's such a horrible place to be. Use this site to help you. Take it slow. See if you can sort one thing out at a time. Folks here have great things to say and are very supportive. We are all here for you and willing to help you process this in any way we can.
Hang in there, Ostia, you are doing the best you can - and it sounds like you are doing great! Remember, there is no manual for this - we all gotta feel our way though- but we've got each other to help!
Hugs-
Steph
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