actually sent icwtsmnl: It's not that I'm against talking, but I feel that putting my thoughts into an email would be a lot more successful. Talking about relationship issues directly with you is next to impossible most of the time. Hopefully you'll take the time to read it. If not, there's nothing I can do anymore.
I told you the other week how much I love you; how completely HAPPY i was when we're together, anywhere. Being next to you filled me with joy, excitment, contentment, hope --- I was in love. and i wrote in text message once that there is nothing that i wouldn't be happier doing with you. I also said that given a choice of activities/people, you were always my first choice. Unfortunately, I was not your first choice.
Before I begin the difficult part, I'm hoping you will consider this idea: you are extremely bright when it comes to business plans, strategy, etc., and I will almost always defer to your thoughts and opinions in those areas because that is your strength. MY strength is understanding below the surface of humans; why they act and think the way they do in dealing with other people. No, my ideas are not always right, but at the very least, they're strong possibilities. Please give me that.
First off, I want to thank you for deciding to talk to me again after the three weeks without communication. I know it was hard for you to do for a number of reasons. It gave me the chance to apologize to you, sincerely. But also, it allowed us to hang out again, fight again, and for me to finally see that these "magnified issues" were not my fault. The anger issues are not just mine. and I feel a world of difference and relief having realized it.
There is no doubt that I have faults. I have anger issues, I interrupt, I can be a control freak, and I have a hard time trusting. Some of these I am working on. Many months ago, when we first discussed my anger mgt, you asked, "Do you think I have anger mgt issues?", which was surprising to hear, but I answered, "yes, I think you do. But it manifests itself differently than mine". Your bringing it up leads me to believe that you think you do, too. The last 2 weekends we hung out, your anger issues were so unprovoked, exaggerated and "magnified", I thought I was on candid camera. I'm sure you don't see it this way. I made a very strong effort to stay calm during these arguments, and I think I did pretty well. I was not the one who got physical, I was not the one who yelled and name-called, and I didn't start any of the fights. I've replayed them all in my head; you were the one getting mad at something.
Your anger issues come out in your constant defensiveness. You angrily tell me to relax, when I haven't done or said a thing, and then use my reaction as more ammunition. It seems that you are literally looking for reasons to get mad at me, and I don't know why (actually, I have a guess, but that's way below). You said once that you feel like you're walking on eggshells with me; I feel the same exact way. I'm afraid to say or do anything because I know that you'll somehow find a way to take it negatively, and you'll accuse me and blame for me for anything and everything. again.
you can scream at me in the car, you can say "shut up. no one wants to hear what you have to say. you're so stupid. you're an idiot". I didn't say anything back. I sat there in silence, in shock. God forbid I said the same thing to you. There's such unfairness. I know now that it doesn't matter how calm I stay; you will always blame me.
I want be with someone who wants to share every aspect of his life with me and loves it when I ask questions. Who sees my questions (and my harmless looking around) as a sign of my interest, or a signal that i need reassurance, NOT as an implied accusation or attack. You agreed the other week to look under the surface and ask me why I'm asking a seemingly strange question, but you never even tried to do that. Its always immediate defensiveness and accusations right back at me. I don't want to be the target of your anger anymore.
cont'd...
Re: actually sent icwtsmnl: page 2...
As for my lack of trust, I can not improve this by myself. what foundation do I have to trust you? Some of your stories don't add up and you are never willing to calmly explain anything. You choose to get mad instead, and/or refuse to talk about it. Your promises are broken, you continue to play golf rather than take substantial action to sell the house, and you get extremely defensive most times that I ask anything about your ex or the house. It's a natural for someone to get less trusting when their questions are met with defensiveness and anger. You take me off your calendar and don't re-include me, even though you say you will; how can I build trust on these things? I've been open about everything you've ever asked and don't mind the questions. The sharing and openness is so one-sided.
It's clear you view this relationship as "I'm going to go about my life any way I want, and you don't mean enough to me to make me adjust anything. It's my life and you can take it or leave it". One of a hundred examples: I said let's go away for a weekend, and your response was first "ok, on a rainy weekend". like I'm not important enough to give up one day of golf? and then you replaced it with "ok, but I get to pick the weekend". everything had to be on your terms, ALWAYS. No flexibility, no compromises. and no, the the movie rental no longer counts as an example of your flexibility. You found a way to throw it back in my face repeatedly, instead of just getting an additional movie like any rational adult would do, and then "didn't want to watch or do anything". For you, there is no such thing as dealing with an issue and moving on. Everything after that point has to become a problem and an argument. You don't care about my feelings until I'm either in tears or have my pillow and bag in hand.
I understand that you have an internal struggle because you still weren't sure about a future with me (kids, issues, etc.), but its that mental lack of total commitment that worsens a situation. its no suprise that when people aren't committed to something, they find things to fuel their displeasure and create problems just to say, "see? look at how messed up that job/person/situation is. Here are my excuses to get out". and yes, despite your dismissal of this idea, I do think you get subconscious satisfaction from my rage, because then you can call me crazy, psycho, and can focus on how unstable I am. and not focus on your issues.
You told me once, before we ever even kissed, that your biggest fear is that you're not as smart as you think you are. (I know that sounds harsher than you meant it, but I understood). It's ok to feel that way, but you have to realize that it affects other aspects of your life. It makes you feel the need to protect yourself and your ego, and that comes in the form of defensiveness and non-openness. I can see you roll your eyes. You don't want to see anything I'm saying .
love is not a power struggle; it's wanting/trying to make the other person happy and emotionally safe. I don't see or feel that from you. I love you so much, but i dont want this unhealthiness anymore and it hurts way too much. :(
Re: actually sent icwtsmnl: you think you're so funny and charming. you're actually retarded and childish. do you not hear yourself? do you think acting the way you do "keeps you young"? you sound like an idiot.
I thought I was afraid to look at you because I'd be attracted to you again, but now I think it's not attraction I feel-- just habit and memories. This was stuff I USED TO want and love, not anymore. I don't actually want to kiss you anymore or lay next to you. you're just a selfish childish jerk, over and over and over again.
