Yes, I cried for you... Fjord Girl: P,
Our 7th Wedding Anniversary. I decided I was going to spend the day with some dignity and try not to let memories bring my spirits down. I fought tears several times and then on my way back from work I just couldn't hold them anymore. So I cried. I cried for what we could've been and will never be. I cried for the chances you didn't give me. I cried for all the humiliation you put me through. I cried because I felt lonely. I cried because I never thought my "fairy tale" would end like this.
How much longer am I going to cry? How many more stupid things will I do numb my pain? How many more masks will I put on to hide the way I feel? How many times will I lower myself for a moment of relief? Will I ever get the little self-esteem I had back? Will I ever be able to really get out there and conquer happiness? Because I do everything I can to go on and people see a strong woman who has accomplished so much, yet sometimes I feel like the same scared girl you left on a holiday season.
But I can't blame you anymore. This all will be over soon and then what reason will I have to complain? It's been too long... Too long... Too long... I feel years have passed. I feel tired, my body's tired, my spirit is tired, my heart is tired. I feel like I'm carrying the weight on the world on my shoulders sometimes and I know no one will take it off, that's my job. I can't carry your memories anymore, they're too heavy and I need to be light so I can continue.
I lied, I lied to everyone today. I said I was okay, but I'm not. I tried to numb myself with work, I tried to numb myself with friends, but the wound is still open. And I hate myself for it, for still giving you control of my emotions, for still crying for you, for still missing you sometimes. I wish I could hate you, I wish I could get angry, but all I do is cry. If one day you have to pay for all the tears I've cried, you'll be in eternal debt...
Yes, I cried for you. But you will never know it because, to you, I am nothing. Now I have to become something for myself, I know I'll get there. I just have to be patient, but most of all I have to live my life in a way I'll never have to regret things they way you probably will when one day you finally realize you really didn't have to hurt me so much to make me understand you just didn't love me anymore.
Re: Yes, I cried for you... CDNgurl: Hugs for you sweetie.
Re: Yes, I cried for you... 2good4this: The tears come even when we think we're done crying...mine are right now.
Re: Yes, I cried for you... LostTeacher: i know how hard it is to tell the truth to people...that you really are still sad. it's hard...they don't understand, they don't know how to help.
but sometimes you have to choose just one person you can tell the truth to. someone that understands that you have to let it out, and you don't expect them to have the best answer, but just to be there for you.
and don't feel bad about crying. i need to cry from time to time still, and i am almost 2 years in. it's hard to let go of the dream sometimes.
but i think it's when we let go of that failed dream that we open ourselves up to the new dreams waiting for us.
big hugs to make you feel better.
LT
