Just to be wanted.... Ciera: In most ways I am doing great. I like who I am. I have really developed a solid sense of self in the last few years. I am mostly happy. In the back of my mind I constantly struggle with the same thing over and over again. I am unwanted. Yes I know I have friends who care. but I am talking about wanted on a deeper level. My parents never wanted me, they abused me my entire childhood physically and verbally. They could care less I just moved across the country. My entire family pretty much went "well, bye have a good life".
My ex-husband only wanted me as far as he could take what he wanted from me. He didn't really care or really want ME. I've never known what it was to have someone really really care about me.
Every boyfriend I have had since plays out the exact same scenario. They think I'm so neat then when they have me something in them registers whatever it is in me that's broken. They stop wanting me.
A very large part of me is scared to death to ever be in another relationship because that same part of me is so sure that no matter who the new person is they will subconsciously recognize I'm broken and leave me too. They will stop wanting me.
I'm trying to do as my new tag says, get over it. Life just keeps reinforcing the lesson.
I just want to be wanted, really really wanted. I don't want to die without ever feeling secure in the knowledge that someone really really cared about me. That I was a huge part of someone's life. I don't mean in the way I am a mother or a friend. I mean in a different way. The way that I seem to be broken.
I would do near anything just to be wanted.
Re: Just to be wanted.... spooky: Not really sure what to tell you but I kind of know the feeling. I am proud that I have the position that allows me to be a major influence in a child's life, I'm glad I have friends and family (and it really sucks that yours isn't showing more caring) who care... But there's another way to be important to someone and have them be important to you in the same way that just can't quite be satisfied any other way.
Re: Just to be wanted.... Ciera: [quote author=spooky link=topic=32538.msg331575#msg331575 date=1154577573">
Not really sure what to tell you but I kind of know the feeling. I am proud that I have the position that allows me to be a major influence in a child's life, I'm glad I have friends and family (and it really sucks that yours isn't showing more caring) who care... But there's another way to be important to someone and have them be important to you in the same way that just can't quite be satisfied any other way.
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Thank you. It's nice to know that someone at least understands what I mean.
Re: Just to be wanted.... Ciera: The really sick thing is sometimes I am jealous of those of you who mourn the loss of having that at one time. At least then I would have memories, at least then I could say I had, at least I would not feel so broken.
Re: Just to be wanted.... trapped: [quote author=Bug <Snap> link=topic=32538.msg331607#msg331607 date=1154578861">
The really sick thing is sometimes I am jealous of those of you who mourn the loss of having that at one time. At least then I would have memories, at least then I could say I had, at least I would not feel so broken.
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WHat do you mean? Sorry, I just dont know your story. I can completely relate to your initial post though. I posted this on another thread but the other day I was watching a movie and the main character was crying while she said "Isnt there anybody that loves me?" I realized I felt that way too. I just want one person to love me... to be special and irreplaceable to just one person. I thought I had that but I was wrong.
Point being~~youre not alone in feeling like that.
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