Is it possible? missmylife: I need to know if it is possible to get divorced and stay friends. I know that sounds so childish, like you have to hate the other person. But the reason I ask is that I keep finding myself weakening when we have long good talks (that we should have had years ago) about the past and what should have been. We both know that there have been hurts that cannot be erased. But there is still that feeling that if I just go back we can make it work. This is the first I have ever moved out, usually just go for a drive or pack a bag and he can talk his way through it and put a band aid on it. I feel like the bad guy for being the one to say enough is enough. I found evidence in the TIFs that he has been searching for local women, when I gave him an ultimatum a month ago and we were giving it another 6 months, so what is the point in me trying when he's looking elsewhere. A part of me thinks that this is fate or whatever to finally give me the strength (anger) to do what should have been done years ago. I am reading "consious divorce" and it lists all the feelings that I have been having so I guess they must be normal. I just have to get it out.
Thanks for listening.
Re: Is it possible? 2good4this: This is a tough one...
I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years due to an affair on his part. When my anger subsides (which it does every so often) we will talk, first casually and then about past issues and what went wrong. I think we both wish things could have been different but this is the path we are on. The problem with keeping contact on a personal level is that usually one of the people have a deep longing to try and make things work. I have found that the more I talk to him, the more he makes me laugh, the more I miss him and the more longing I feel just to have things back the way they were. This is unrealistic and has caused me a great deal of pain. Think of it as a wound that starts to scab and will never heal completely unless you stop picking at it and just leave it alone. Also, not sure about your physical realtionship but we have a tendency to revisit things in that department and although at the time it seems like a great idea (especially after months of going without), I'm always left feeling empty afterwards.
Hope this helps.
Re: Is it possible? Fjord Girl: I don't know how many times I tried to establish some kind of contact with my ex-husband. When he left me I almost begged him not to disappear from my life and he promised we would stay friends. That didn't happen, I haven't seen him in a year and eight months and we have spoken on the phone 6 times, that's all. I tried, I wanted to talk to him again, he didn't. And I think it was for the better, every time I've spoken to him my world has crumbled.
My point here is, if you feel like every time you talk to your stbx things are going to get messy for you, then give yourself some time. We want to keep the person around because we can't live with the idea that they are gone, but the sooner we accept they are not a part of our life, the faster we will recover. Personally the no-contact with my ex-husband has helped me with the accepting process.
Distance is necessary, especially during the first phases of the divorce process. I don't know if you have children and I suppose that if you do, you have to stay in contact with your stbx, but don't try the buddy-buddy just yet. I know it's hard, but at least you won't feel like you've being given something to be taken away.
Re: Is it possible? So_Lost: My XW and I are phone friends. We have not seen eachother since we split, but we talk at least twice a week on the phone.
Re: Is it possible? Older Guy: My ex-wife and i split up more than a year ago and we still talk often and go out to lunch. I think that it depends of what you split in the first place. But it is possible to be "friends"
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