Jealousy or Insecurity? Macaw_Lover: I know this is long, but please please I would be so grateful if you took the time to read.
I broke up with this guy it will be 2 years this Sept. We dated for 3 years. I have come to for the most part the realization that we just will never be. I'm 26 now and met him when I was 18. He had a gf at the time and I just said to myself "one day I will marry him". Well he broke up with his gf. She was very controlling. Tried to tell him not to hang out with his guy friends even because they would hang out with other girls. For a while he did this, because he said he loved her. Came a day where he couldn't do it anymore.
While we were dating he had a major fear of commitment. I didn't feel he was using me in fact this is a guy who waited 6 months before we slept together. From what I have found most guys wouldn't do that. We waited so long because previous to that I was cheated on and wanted to know a guy would stay around because they liked me. Not because I "put out". We never really had a normal relationship per say, not like how I wanted one to be because he always seemed to look at me like I was his ex and only going to do what she did.
There was one time he got extremely mad and didn't talk to me for a week because he was jealous of me talking to his friend’s roommate. What I was intending back fired. I wanted to show him that I wasn't controlling and that I didn't need him attached at the hip. We didn't talk for a week. That was the biggest fight we had the entire time together.
Last Dec. he called me out of the blue. We got together and he told me he always did love me and he was sorry he didn't show it. He was so afraid to even love someone again. I really wanted to believe what he was saying was true. But not sure if he meant it. He said he wanted us to try dating again. I was hesitant and said well if we didn't work for 3 years. I said we were never even truly committed. I mean he was the only one I was sleeping with as I was the only one he was with, so he says. So kind of committed I suppose, but not "technically words wise".
Well we hung out a few times, and then I ran into him at a bar. He was with a mutual friend of ours, however not so much my friend only because well we don't keep touch. We went back to my exs house and I was catching up with this friend. My ex went downstairs and anyways to make a long story short he went in his room. Thought he was just playing video games and here he was "waiting for me to come in there" and got pissed off because I didn't and was out talking to this other guy. He freaked out at me. Said sarcastically "It was SO great running into you tonight, I LOVE surprises". I asked him what is wrong what the hell did I do? He said why do you care what’s wrong. I was silent for a while, just confused. I finally said "Of course I care". He said took you long enough to say that! I said to him look I don't know what I did, but hey I’m sorry and said goodnight. I left and like the nice person I am I turned off some of the lights in his house and TV and locked his door behind me. I got in my car and he ran upstairs to look out the window and turned the outside light off. I just drove away.
Next day I called him left a message saying that I love him, part of me probably always will and that I hope you find the one who makes you happy, I obviously don't. I said have a happy life if I never speak to you again.
Re: Jealousy or Insecurity? Macaw_Lover: A few times he called and he would block his # so it came up private. I know it was him. I suppose he was hoping then I would pick up.
Well 2 weeks ago he called at 2am from a private # 1 min later text me which auto comes up his # and name then saying "Please call". I was sleeping....anyways this is so hard for me him coming back into my life and I just don't know why he does. Because it isn't for booty calls because when he does call he isn't begging me to come over so he can get laid.
Well last night I just up and called him, figuring to get his VM. He answered I went outside so I could hear and talk to him. We were talking a while.....I asked him how come we talk and get along great, then we fight then we talk. Why is that, he said I don't know. I said you keep coming back I said am I just that damn sexy. Then I said kidding that isn't it. He said oh how could that couldn't be it you are beautiful. He used to always say I was the pretty one out of the two of us. Then there were these guys that were in there 50s drinking beer out of a cooler out the back of there truck. I went over to say hey you having fun. They said ya, you want a beer and I said sure. Then this guy just grabs my phone and says hi and I personally HATE when someone passes there phone for me to talk to some stranger. I know he does to, this guy said come on up and have a beer. I took my phone back and said sorry about that. He said "That's messed up" and hung up the phone. WHY did he get so mad? My friend Jenny said that a guy who has no feelings at all wouldn't get so upset. I mean come on were not even together. Is this jealousy or what is it?
We talked more for hours.....he was going to watch a movie with his friend and he never did that. Talked till 4am and his phone went dead. In all honesty I told him I did love him still and missed him and said I really do enjoy talking to you, always have. He said ya I like talking to you to. I was a little buzzed and he asked if I was saying this because I was. I said no, he I think said he loves me to? But I don't know? Also I wanted to come over and he said he wasn't feeling well. So to me it doesn't sound like a guy that would say no if he just wanted sex? Not that he would have gotten it. But say if he wanted to try for it you would think he would say yes, come over.
What does this all mean? Is he just messing with my head because he can? Was that jealousy and if so why do you think he got that way? Do you think he just wants to keep his options open or is it possible he really might have feelings for me? HELP what do you guys think!
Re: Jealousy or Insecurity? baffled!: It sounds like this guy doesn't really know what he wants... from what I gather in your story it sounds like he needs you to satisfy some need in him - then when you show-up they aren't fullfilled... attention, compassion, etc.
He sounds confused above all else.
How do you feel about this guy - could you see yourself with someone who plays the victim so easily? Doesn't sound like a good scene to me.
I imagine that his self-esteem is shot and that he's using guilt and manipulation to get you to interact with him... is that what you want? You need to look at the situation and decide what you're after here, ya' know?
Re: Jealousy or Insecurity? newts: I would say that this mans loves the fact that no matter how badly he treats you, you just keep coming back for more.
He loves the fact that you love, adore and would do anything for him. The fact that he gets jealous doesn't mean that he has feelings of love for you (he obviously cares about you, I don't think in the way you deserve though) The jealous thing means he doesn't want a relationship with you, however, he doesn't want anybody else to steal you away from him either - who will adore him if you were gone?
I suggest you remain friends, no benefits and no talks about how you feel about him, it's inflating his ego - If he wanted something from you like a relationship, nothing would keep him away. Don't answer his middle of the night calls and make it clear that you enjoy your conversations, however, not while your asleep.
Macaw, you need to take control of this friendship, at the moment you are putty in his hands and if you keep encouraging him by answering his calls and been there everytime he falls down he will never be out of your life and you will never move on to somebody more derserving of your love and friendship.
Re: Jealousy or Insecurity? bluskygrl: [quote author=baffled! link=topic=33093.msg340327#msg340327 date=1155519515">
How do you feel about this guy - could you see yourself with someone who plays the victim so easily? Doesn't sound like a good scene to me.
[/quote">
Macaw.
First, I agree, sounds like he is high maintenance at best and very insecure. He sound like he is jealous and he does care, but I wodner if he got everything he wanted from you if it still wouldn't be enough.
Secondly, there is the part where you know you still have feelings for him and regardless of what he feels you need to resolve those.
I have absolutely no idea how to do that though. Something I am still
struggling with myself, but know I have to do before getting serious with anyone else.
Tell me if you figure out how to reach closure ....
Blu
