i thought i was over him, but he still makes me cry poppy: the obvious bust up of my marriage occured almost a year ago, aug 21. it was not pleasant and involved his stepsister. we enacted our own version of the war of the roses for three months afterwards, neither of us willing to leave the house. i broke down and left on nov 21.
the last time i spoke to him was the night before i left, confirming that he wanted me to leave. he did indeed want me to leave.
we have had some e-mail communication, and it has been ugly. i finally stopped responding to him altogether in february. i received a nasty e-mail in july regarding divorce matters that i read, but did not respond to.
over the fourth of july weekend i had to go to the ER, it was no big deal, but it was an ER visit. stbxh received a statement from the insurance company the other day (the divorce is not yet final). so he sent me an e-mail asking if i was all right. i ignored the e-mail for a couple days and then responded that if there was an outstanding bill that he can forward it to me. i made no mention of the nature of the visit or my condition.
i was pretty upset by the e-mail. i expect him to send me nasty e-mails about the divorce stuff. i was really sad to get the e-mail inquiring about my health. it made me think that he cares. but then, the only reason he even knows that is because we are still on the same insurance policy.
he responded again asking if i am ok. the real reason i did not respond with full disclosure is because there is no way i can do it without sounding like a low rent, victimized drama queen or a sarcastic shrew. i prefer the image i have crafted over the last couple months of a calm and collected girl who just doesn't give a shit.
as time goes by, i forget the bad and remember only the good. good that was hard for me to think of a year ago. i hate to be rude and ignore him (he still pays for my insurance!). but i don't want to be his friend. i can't be his friend. he stepped outside of the circle of trust. but i miss him.
should i ignore it? should i let him know i am fine? he says he is concerned. part of me wants to let that "concern" eat a hole in his stomach to match the one i have.
Re: i thought i was over him, but he still makes me cry baffled!: Yeah - it's such a tough call... I like that "disappeared" feeling when dealing with an ex - no contact... it's like they aren't entitled to that part of you anymore.
It's interesting that you mentioned you've created this "calm, cool, collected" image... maybe that's the key. If that is truly your goal - then just let him know. If you ignore him and don't fill him in, he's going to figure you're withholding information - something that will convince him he still has an effect on you. Would you tell someone at work? Or a casual friend? If you really want to be calm and cool - give him the information in a short blurb and go back to your regular routine... no biggie.
When I was dealing with the disappearing act - I figured I could get the other person to worry and think of me more often... quite the opposite of "disappearing". Eventually, I just figured that in order to move on I had to stop letting them effect me - or I them.
But I understand the satisfaction of dropping off the face of the earth - if you miss him it's nice to make sure that lousy feeling is reciprocated.
Either way - you're still doing your thing and he'll never have access to all the amazing and interesting things that take place in your life... and those far outweigh the few lines of text you throw him in an email.
Re: i thought i was over him, but he still makes me cry poppy: thanks, baffled.
but i have ignored him on EVERYTHING, to my own detriment, at times. i wouldn't even file a joint tax return with him, and then lost out on the refund, in the process.
he has done a few nice things that i have not acknowledged to him. i asked him to send me some of my computer software that i left behind. he must have been unable to find it because he went to best buy and bought brand new copies of the software that night and sent it to me overnight. i also had an ebay package sent there by mistake. i didn't even realize the error until it arrived with two labels on it. he had it sent overnight to me, at his own expense. i felt bitchy for not thanking him, but then i didn't want to soften to him. (my story is nearly as fucked up as yours, baffled!). he has never shown remorse for what he did, i feel like he deserves no niceties from me. but i still feel rude.
i know he doesn't miss me. i know he doesn't want me back. i can only imagine that the perversion that has been his life for the last year has finally penetrated his brain and he is acting like a human being again. maybe.
i'll think about it a little more. maybe i will tell him that i have survived in one piece.
Re: i thought i was over him, but he still makes me cry newts: It is a tuffy and if it was me I wouldn't respond, you and your health became none of his business when he forced you out of your home.
There is nothing wrong with still missing him - he once was your husband and even though he has been a complete ass to you, it's pretty hard to just switch off no matter how badly they treat you.
It's great that you are starting to remember the good that is a big step forward in the recovery period.
Re: i thought i was over him, but he still makes me cry trapped: Poppy
When I was in the hospital for 5 days in March while still living in Cali my ex did not come to see me.....it hurt like hell. He had just left me in February so it was all still so very fresh and raw. He called me there but it was only to express that he disapproved of the fact that I put the dogs with a sitter and that I shouldnt make crucial decisions like that without consulting with him. I could not even process how incredibly cold that was. Several weeks later after a joint bank statement came I realized he was not even in town at the time...he was off in Napa at a B&B. It then made sense why he only yelled at me about the dogs but did not make any attempt to go take them from me, something I had been concerned about during my entire stay there. I was devastated.
2 weeks ago I had to go to the hospital again for the weekend. Out of everyone in my life it was him who showed the most consideration...he called often and was very warm and kind. I think if we werent on different ends of the country he quite possibly would have even come to visit me.
Its hard to say which was worse~~the heartless way he acted in California or the kind way he acted just recently. Both seemed to rip my heart out but as I think about it more Ive concluded that the fact that he was acting like he cared and was showing such loving emotion towards me was harder to take in many ways. It clouded the clarity of our situation that took me so long to even obtain. It made me long for him so badly and reminded me of just what I miss so much. To hear him call me by one of my nicknames crushed me.
The reason I tell you all of this is to let you know that I completely understand why this is eating at you (not a hijack, I swear!). It sounds to me that if you let him know that you are well that you will feel like youre losing some of the control youve gained over yourself these past months. If you think thats whats going to happen then just dont tell him. The fact that your so torn over what to do here makes me think you already feel like youre losing the modicum of control over your emotions that took you so long to get.
SO if it turns out that you display what you feel are a bit of bad manners here is that really so terrible? Seems to me that if you come off a bit rude that its still nowhere near as rude as him leaving you for his stepsister. Let him think you are rude...you owe him nothing. I doubt Emily Post would use your reaction as a case study in rudeness.
HUGS.
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