Am I being Selfish????? Keepyaheadup: My post may be a little different b/c I'm the one considering leaving. We've been together for 8 years, married for 1 1/2, no kids. We met my second year of college - he lived in the town where my school was located, and we just clicked. I think a lot of it was due to the fact that we were so different from each other - we're definitely total opposites and that was exciting. But, even from the beginning, things just moved too fast, and we were essentially living together after only two months.
As shallow as it may sound, our biggest issues are money and career related. I have a bachelor's degree and am currently getting a graduate degree, but I had to threaten him in order for him to just get his high school diploma a couple of years ago. I really want him to do more with his life, but he is constantly looking for the easy way out - he jumps from job to job looking for the one where he has to do the least amount of work possible. Meanwhile, while I'm working full time and going to school full time, it kills me that he spends his time watching TV and playing video games. I want more out of life and he's just kinda coasting along. When I ask him what goals he has in life or where he sees himself in the future, it's like I'm speaking a foreign language. At 30, he's in the same place he was when he was 22. How can I want for him what he doesn't want for himself? I realize now that I've been living off promises. He's been promising to go back to school for the past 2 years, but it hasn't happened and never will. Now, he's talking about starting a business, but his words mean nothing to me now.
I have been the one taking care of everything financially since we've been together, and I'm tired. I pay the bills and balance the checkbook. I make sure the rent gets paid on time, the car payments are made...everything. My credit is shot b/c we had to put everything in my name. I've asked my family for money, I've cashed out stocks, I even cashed out my 401k to cover expenses. When we got married (I paid for the wedding), he had no job, and didn't have one for most of that year. The next day, I remember sitting in the middle of the floor and crying so hard b/c we thought we'd have to cancel the honeymoon b/c we had no money - my mom ended up giving it to us.
I think I'm agonizing over this so much b/c 1) I do love him and 2) I feel guilty b/c I feel he needs me. There is no one else, so that's not even a part of the equation. We've talked about this many many times over the past couple of years and nothing ever gets resolved. I'm trying to make a better life for us, but I can't do that by myself. Is it selfish of me to leave b/c of this?
Re: Am I being Selfish????? So_Lost: Sounds to me like you have yourself what we like to call a "Deadbeat" husband.
I think you have every right to want to leave, especially if you *know* he isnt going to change. You deserve to be happy, and have a good life. If he isn't going to give that to you, then you need to move on.
However, if you knew this stuff before, you should have not married him.
Either way, welcome to Ojar!
Re: Am I being Selfish????? chaotic: Its never an easy decision to leave. And dont think that you are the only one on this site that considered leaving for whatever the reason may be.
In my opinion, you are not wrong nor are you being selfish for considering leaving. It sounds as if you have been pushing him to better himself but he isnt. You are not his mother, but it seems to me that he is acting as if he is living with his parents.
My vote is that you need to have a long talk with him about his habits and your future together. If it comes down to it, leave. Let him live the life he chooses, but you do not have to be lowered to him.
9 years is a long time to be supporting someone that has no goals and drive in life. My ex had no real ambition in life and I never thought she would be the one to leave....But she left for someone else that has no real ambition in life, so I guess they fit together.
Re: Am I being Selfish????? jannette Garcia: I dont think you're being selfish at all. I dont blame you for wanting to be with someone who wants something out of life. Just let him know that he needs to get it together or he'll lose you. He's 30 years old and you're taking care of all the bills. That's not fair. YOu shouldnt have to empty your 401K, think of your future. Is not fair. Let him know what you want and if he decides he doesnt want to change, then walk.
Re: Am I being Selfish????? Keepyaheadup: I've known for a while that things weren't quite right, but I kept "hoping" that it would get better and work itself out. I realize that I have to accept responsibility too cause he wouldn't have been able to take advantage of the situation if I had not allowed him.
I'm so glad I found this site....it's time to wake up.
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