Here is my story gpiilani: So my story is a little different, but depressing none the less. I have been with my husband for 7 years, we have one daughter together and two from a previous relatinship. My husband was the most loving man most attenive man anyone could have ever asked for. In the beginning. About two years ago, his brother passed away, actually was murdered by my husbands younger brother. Ever since then, things have been terrible between us. My husband drank every night, stayed out till 2, 3, 4 am hanging out with friends, some women from work included. I couldnt handle it. It turned me into this needy, sad, depressed, angry crazy person. Always questioning, always wanting attention, feeling neglected and unloved. Which in turn made him hate to be around me. Lose - Lose situation for me....so, after two years of this...I finally made the biggest mistake of my life. One day while my husband was at work, I talked online to a stranger about meeting up for sex....never intended to, dont know his name, where he is from, what he looks like, just bored and wanted some attention. Well, my husband found out about it, little did I know he had the password to my email account. He saw everything. He left me two days later. He has been gone three months now, and says he doesnt love me the same and that he cant trust me. I know that I did something wrong, something terrible. Had I seen him doing that, I would have been pissed. But after a while, I would have chosen to keep my family and my marraige, the love we have for each other. He doesnt seem to want that anymore. He wont say whether he wants a divorce or he wants to get back together. But he is no longer home with us, We see him once a week, he calls daily though to talk to our daughter. (It seems like he forgot all about my older two girls though) We are pretty friendly and go out on family outings once in a while. But I feel like I am in this terrible limbo, I cant let go of him because I feel like there might be hope, but everytime I ask him anything about the situation....he stops calling and says all I ever want to do is argue. The last thing I want to do is argue, I want to fix things and make them right. I dont feel there is anyone else in his life, but who knows for sure. All he does is work and drink, I know he is an alcoholic now. He says he drinks to stop the pain of losing everything. But he hasnt! I am still here, his family is still here. Does this make sense to anyone???I am so confused....he acts so miserable without his family, but yet wont come home. I dont know if this is all an act, or he has some serious issues. I cant eat, cant sleep, dont want to do anything or go out because I am afraid he will find out and accuse me of cheating on him some more. Its like I am stuck in this terrible place that I cant get out of. Why cant I just be the one to say "enough already come home or get out" He still has the house key and half of his stuff is here. He gives me all of his money minus what he needs for rent and food. I just dont understand where this is going....I need closure. I need something to happen to help me get through this
Re: Here is my story chaotic: Wow. First welcome to Ojar.
You realize the pain and feeling of loss that he was going thru when he lost his brother. You probably also realize that he lost his brother to someone in his own family. There is not much you can do for someone dealing with something as traumatic. You can only be there when they need you and encourage them to seek counseling.
The problem lies in the fact that you tried to be there, then turned to something else. I understand that you did so out of frustration, but it does not make it any less painful. Then he found out about it the hard way. Almost like walking in on you with another person.
So from his stand point, He has lost his 2 brothers, one to death, one killed the other. This probably has torn his family apart. Now you betrayed him (not physically), but that is how he is seeing it, as a betrayal. He feels he cant trust you. It is quite obvious that he still cares for you and your family, he is just in a VERY confusing place right now.
If you truly want him back, you need to understand the circumstances from his point of view. You need to look at this from his eyes and figure out what he would want and need from you to help
Re: Here is my story gpiilani: Thank you for your opinion....it helps to hear it from someone who is not "on my side" so to speak....I realize what I did was wrong, but he wont even let me fix it....he wont listen to me, he wont believe me, I dont know how to deal with him. Maybe just leave him alone? But then I feel like I am abandoning him. Its like I am constantly trying to figure out what is right, and failing miserably at it.
Re: Here is my story chaotic: Therein lies the problem. If you try too hard, you will push him away. If you dont try enough, you will feel like you did not do enough.
He needs some space and time to figure out what is going on. He has SO many things running thru his head right now. On top of that, you are there trying very hard to right the wrong. But what you did is not the only thing he is dealing with right now, and nothing you do can change that.
Is he seeing a counselor about his brother's death? You might suggest that. You might also seek counseling for yourself. You have some things that you need to talk about i.e. the effects of your brother in law's death, your marriage, your relationship, etc. I am not trying to rub in your face, your actions. But you might benefit from talking to someone about what you did and why. They may also give you ideas that might help you communicate with your husband.
Communicate is the key word there. You need to be very careful not to push him too much nor badger him in any way. That will only serve to push him further.
Re: Here is my story Fendann: I will not repeat what has been said already by Chaotic, since he is absolutely correct. I will say, however, that you should take his words into consideration. Counseling will do both of you a world of good, regardless of the outcome of your relationship/marriage. He obviously has issues with his brother from what he did, and you have issues with your husband's issues. He does not know how to deal with it, and you do not know how to deal with that fact. Do not push, or it can only get worse.
What possesses someone to go online and find someone to mess around with, I will never know...I find that extremely disturbing....
We are here for you, however, so vent away!
That being said, I'm done....
No!.....So_Lost...Down boy! Down!
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